Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may
recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by
Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Beginning
with a description of how bonds form between victim and abuser, the
article continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and
offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.
Introduction
People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and
reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they’ve
thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe
psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their
symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar
Disorder recently told me “I can’t believe I thought I could change the
weather through mental telepathy!” A common reaction is “I can’t
believe I did that!”
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked
individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive
relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as
“I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why,
but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”.
Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend
and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are
even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness
their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the
situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make
sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a
bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named
Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party
has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women
and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with
dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude
considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for
over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they
supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel
who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors
were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became
engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense
fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had
“bonded” emotionally with their captors.
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known
as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the publicity, the emotional “bonding”
with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized
many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner,
or abusive situations such as:
- Abused Children
- Battered/Abused Women
- Prisoners of War
- Cult Members
- Incest Victims
- Criminal Hostage Situations
- Concentration Camp Prisoners
- Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is
actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.
The “Stockholm Syndrome” reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations
is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no
longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime
situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On
the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing
“Stockholm Syndrome” will not be very cooperative during rescue or
criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long
recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges,
bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even
physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a
violent assault.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and
interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife,
boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which
the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
It’s important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as
they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome
is understood, it’s easier to understand why victims support, love,
and even defend their abusers and controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is
no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to
varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features
will be present:
- Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
- Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
- Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors
- Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
- Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
- Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t occur in every hostage or abusive
situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing
patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and
wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women
picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot.
As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and
other factors are certainly involved.
It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that
serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These
four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive
relationships:
- The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or
psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out
the threat.
- The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
- Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
- The perceived inability to escape the situation
By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm
Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage
situations. Looking at each situation:
If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may
recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by
Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Beginning
with a description of how bonds form between victim and abuser, the
article continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and
offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.
Photo by Vectorportal -
http://flic.kr/p/8Rts3N
Article Contents
- Introduction
- Perceived Threat to One’s Physical/Psychological Survival
- The “Small Kindness” Perception
- Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
- Perceived Inability to Escape
- Is There Something Else Involved?
- Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
- Family and Friends of the Victim
- Final Thoughts
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Perceived Threat to One’s Physical/Psychological Survival
The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or
witnessed methods. Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten
your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence
leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the
threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The
abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.
Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will
never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in
the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are
often offered such as “I know people who can make others disappear”.
Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or
controller — how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in
the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that
revenge is possible if they leave.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat.
Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the
highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be
the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of
the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we
will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The “Small Kindness” Perception
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope —
a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller
shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the
abuser’s benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a
positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations,
letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as
allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to
strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.
In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually
provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as
not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and
may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are
often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the
partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse
in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally
become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an
opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the
victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn’t happen, that
“small kindness” is interpreted as a positive sign.
Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a “soft
side”. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share
information about their past — how they were mistreated, abused,
neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller
may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser)
may also be a “victim”. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we
often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with
“I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he’s troubled. He had a rough
childhood!” Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or
acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, it’s almost always
after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission
is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality
disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal
responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and
even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now
even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk
food — now known as the “Twinkie Defense”. While it may be true that
the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for
his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact,
prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While “sad stories” are
always included in their apologies — after the abusive/controlling
event — their behavior never changes! Keep in mind: once you become
hardened to the “sad stories”, they will simply try another approach. I
know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say
“I’m beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!”
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense
they are always “walking on eggshells” — fearful of saying or doing
anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their
survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser’s perspective.
They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways
they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life
that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then
most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an
abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on
our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. We become
preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the
abuser/controller.
Taking the abuser’s perspective as a survival technique can become so
intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to
help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who
would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and
manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the
victim has with supportive people in the community is met with
accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on
their family — fearing family contact will cause additional violence
and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and
friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off
communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller,
supportive others are now viewed as “causing trouble” and must be
avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with
restraining orders if they continue to “interfere” or try to help the
victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they
have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to
minimize contact with situations that might make them a target of
additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from
Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations —
the victim quickly realizes it’s safer if Mom stops calling. If simply
telling Mom to stop calling doesn’t work, for his or her own safety the
victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and
demand that she stop calling.
In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim
may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive
situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim
may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or
battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be
removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the
relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the
abuser, the children are at fault — they complained about the situation,
they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put
the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a
danger to the victim’s safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome,
allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim
stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment
for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns,
it’s easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic
relationships, the belief that one can’t escape is also very common.
Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part
relationships — locked together by mutual financial issues/assets,
mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common
situations:
- Controlling partners have increased the financial
obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner
can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their
partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later
claiming they can’t pay alimony or child support due to their large car
payments.
- The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital
relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has
an income that is “under the table” or maintained through legally
questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being
investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller
then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their
business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
- The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to
take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business
rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the
victim’s personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a
peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the
Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victim’s
support such as “I’ll see that you lose your job” or “I’ll have your
automobile burned”.
- Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with
severe guilt — threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The victim
hears “I’ll kill myself in front of the children”, “I’ll set myself on
fire in the front yard”, or “Our children won’t have a father/mother if
you leave me!”
- In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also
experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological
energy. The victim may feel “burned out” and too depressed to leave.
Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency
by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name,
and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave. In
clinical practice I’ve heard “I’d leave but I can’t even get money out
of the savings account! I don’t know the PIN number.”
- In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling
individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a
change in their life situation. When parents are going through a
divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the
controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be
attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive
living away from home on a college campus.
In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome
there is a daily preoccupation with “trouble”. Trouble is any
individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that
may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or
abuser. To survive, “trouble” is to be avoided at all costs. The victim
must control situations that produce trouble. That may include
avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create
“trouble” in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family
and friends; they are only avoiding “trouble”! The victim also cleans
the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics,
and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to
avoid “trouble”. In this situation, children who are noisy become
“trouble”. Loved ones and friends are sources of “trouble” for the
victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement
professionals are painfully aware of the situation — making a domestic
dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours. Called by
neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon
arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and
threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for
domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will
retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they
offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the
abuser, 3) they don’t bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and
4) they don’t personally apologize for the situation — as though it
was their fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and
abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser
after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to
see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to
someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.
Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response — Yes! Throughout history, people have found
themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range
from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing
participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have
developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One
way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as “cognitive
dissonance”. As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases
for just about everything.
“Cognitive Dissonance” explains how and why people change their ideas
and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy,
positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce
information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have
two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from
others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally
uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or
difficult situation — few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt
to reduce the dissonance — the fact that our cognitions don’t match,
agree, or make sense when combined. “Cognitive Dissonance” can be
reduced by adding new cognitions — adding new thoughts and attitudes.
Some examples:
- Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple
health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions
(thoughts/feelings) such as 1) “I’m smoking less than ten years ago”, 2)
“I’m smoking low-tar cigarettes”, 3) “Those statistics are made up by
the cancer industry conspiracy”, or 4) “Something’s got to get you
anyway!” These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and
actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
- You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a
gallon. You justify the expense and related issues with 1) “It’s great
on trips” (you take one trip per year), 2) “I can use it to haul stuff”
(one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) “You can carry a lot of people
in it” (95% of your trips are driver-only).
- Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You can’t
leave due to the finances, children, or other factors. Through cognitive
dissonance, you begin telling yourself “He only hits me open-handed”
and “He’s had a lot of stress at work.”
Leon Festinger first coined the term “Cognitive Dissonance”. He
had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up their homes,
incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages
from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood.
As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved
by flying saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to
be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world
came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing
they were foolish after all that personal and emotional investment —
they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood
and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the
prophecy. The moral: the more you invest (income, job, home, time,
effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we
invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with “I’ll get them
next time”. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost
unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that
investment.
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is
difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals
of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all
produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a
bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in
love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being
stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in
an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a
strong bonding — even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls
in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club.
Struggling to survive on a deserted island — you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment
in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the
abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try
telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they
should now enroll in the National Guard! Several types of investments
keep us in the bad relationship:
Emotional Investment
We’ve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much
that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.
Social Investment
We’ve got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.
Family Investments
If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the
relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.
Financial Investment
In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a
complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship,
waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make
their departure and detachment easier.
Lifestyle Investment
Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an
investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current
lifestyle.
Intimacy Investment
We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have
experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem
in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to
spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail
using intimacy is often found in these situations.
In many cases, it’s not simply our feelings for an individual that
keep us in an unhealthy relationship — it’s often the amount of
investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of
the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered
by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is “You just
don’t understand!”
Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of “Stockholm Syndrome” and “cognitive dissonance”
produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only
acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim
feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In
long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed
“all their eggs in one basket”. The relationship now decides their
level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a
threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and
existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive
nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive
dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends
become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.
Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop
on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this
attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a
threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what
we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to
irritate us, embarrass us, or drive us to drink. What might have begun
as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive
situation. They are trying to survive. Their personality is developing
the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower
their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes
and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these
attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of
our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional
the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to
survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a
relationship work. Once they decide it doesn’t work and can’t be fixed,
they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to
return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.
Family and Friends of the Victim
When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a ‘Loser’
or controlling/abusive individual, the situation becomes emotionally
painful and socially difficult for the family
While each situation is different, some general guidelines to consider are:
- Your loved one, the “victim” of the Loser/Abuser, has probably
been given a choice — the relationship or the family. This choice is
made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present in
abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will
result in severe personal and social consequences, the family always
comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows in their heart the
family will always love them and accept their return — whenever the
return happens.
- Remember, the more you pressure the “victim” of the Loser/Abuser,
the more you prove their point. Your loved one is being told the family
is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship. Pressure in the form
of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence
against you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with “You see!
They just want to get you by yourself so they can tell you bad things
about me!” Increasing your contacts is viewed as “putting pressure” on
their relationship — not being lovingly concerned.
- Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving,
may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may
prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally.
Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls.
In a short time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the
contact will produce in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talks — the
longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, you want to
get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
- The 1980′s song, “Hold on Loosely”, may be the key to a good family
and friend approach. Holding on too tightly produces more pressure.
When the victim is out of the home, it’s often best to establish
predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just
for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening
than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as
“checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine,
leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don’t discuss the
relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings
it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact,
remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly
remind the controller that family and loved ones are nearby and
haven’t disappeared.
- Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one
— holidays, special occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and
brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at
“traditional” times — holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. — are
not as threatening to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide
information, but not questions, are also not as threatening. An example
might be a simple card reading “Just a note to let you know that your
brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart
commercial any day now. Love, Mom and Dad”. This approach allows the
victim to recognize that the family is there — waiting in the wings if
needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as
the contacts are on a traditional and expected basis. It’s also hard to
be angry about brother’s new job without looking ridiculous. Also,
don’t invent holidays or send a reminder that it’s Sigmund Freud’s
birthday. That’s suspicious…even in my family.
- Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s
important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication
channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail.
Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The
goal is to maintain contact while your loved one is involved in the
controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the goal is contact, not
pressure.
- Don’t feel the victim’s behavior is against the family or friends.
It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be
very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their
relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse,
threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness
is actually self-protection in the relationship — an attempt to avoid
“trouble”.
- The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of
their behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their
situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by
their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less
contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or
situations that are emotionally painful.
- Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about
their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the
door opens, don’t jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and
simply offer support such as “You know your family is behind any
decision you need to make and at any time you make it.” They may be
exploring what support is available but may not be ready to call in the
troops just yet. Many victims use an “exit plan” that may take months
or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this
point, not yet ready for an exit.
- We can get messages to people in two ways — the pipeline and the
grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly.
This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers
monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is
still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved
one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive
individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few
people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a
message through that contact person, a message that voices our
understanding and support. We don’t send insults (“Bill is such a jerk!)
or put-downs (“If he doesn’t get out of this relationship he’ll end up
crazy!) — we send messages of love and support. We send “I hope she/he
(victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support
them.” Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding
that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Don’t talk with a
grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and
then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how
the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to
the victim when we can’t. It’s another way of letting them know we’re
supporting them, just waiting to help if and when needed.
- Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling
support in the community. A family consultation with a mental health
professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally
complex or there is a significant danger of harm.
- As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or
abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become
angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind fills with a variety
of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the
controller/abuser with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any
aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional
difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an
opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
- In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may
still provide some financial, insurance, or other support. When we
receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and resentment
tells us to cut off their support. I’ve heard “If she’s going to date
that jerk, it’s not going to be in a car I’m paying for!” and “If he’s
choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out of college and flip
hamburgers!” Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved one
more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we’re aggressive
by threatening, withdrawing support, or pressuring — we become the
threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually moves the
victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an
“ordeal” they experience, the more bonding takes place, as noted with
both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
- As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and
cognitive dissonance may also be active when our loved one is involved
in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some situations, the
abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are
punished if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article
deals with individual relationships, the family guidelines may also be
helpful in controlling-group situations.
Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking
an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son,
daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive
partner, looking for ways to understand and help.
If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing
partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many
factors involved. If their relationship is in the “dating” phase, they
may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has
continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan
before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further
complicate their ability to leave the situation. When the victim
decides to end the unhappy relationship, it’s important that they view
loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding — not as a source
of pressure, guilt, or aggression.
This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and
attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and
friends. Separately, I’ve outlined recommendations for detaching from a
Loser or controlling/abusive individual, but clearly, there are more
victims in this situation.
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/4/
