Financial Strategies for Divorcing A Narcissist

ForbesWoman 

12/11/2012 @ 10:22AM |511 views    

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/12/11/financial-strategies-for-divorcing-a-narcissist/

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In recent years, the word “narcissist” has crept into the popular vernacular to mean someone who’s conceited and excessively self-involved. But even though self-confidence can be expressed in a way that makes a person condescending and obnoxious, narcissism is something more. It is a real psychological disorder above and beyond being someone who’s merely full of themselves.

At first, they can be appealing, these charismatic, powerful and financially successful men. It’s easy to be drawn to their grandness, their winning smiles and magnetic personalities–all the outward manifestations of their inner, all-consuming self-centeredness.
As one of my clients who used to be married to a narcissist told me, “These men are attractive because they work so very hard to be alluring.  They want you to like them and admire them.”
But it isn’t until you get to know him –possibly years later –that you realize how controlling, how manipulative, how truly self-important and ultimately dangerous a man like this can be.
“Once you ‘belong’ to him, he no longer needs to impress you, and that’s when he stops the act,” my client said.
Of course, a narcissist doesn’t know he has a problem. He thinks the problem is that everyone else doesn’t properly recognize how great he is.
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a true narcissist:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
So, what if you’re married to a narcissist? What happens if you decide you don’t want to be, anymore?
Divorce is complicated and difficult for anyone. But according to attorney Miles Mason of Miles Mason Family Law Group in Memphis, divorcing a narcissist “can be a living nightmare.” Mr. Mason states in no uncertain terms that you can not hope for an amicable divorce from a narcissistic husband:
Do not expect a narcissist spouse to be cooperative or go away quietly. During a divorce, narcissists can be manipulative and exploitive, feeling neurotically entitled to get whatever they want. Narcissists blame everyone else for their problems, and because they are so self-centered, even while bullying their spouses they often perceive themselves to be the victims. True narcissists believe they are above the law and feel that the rules do not apply to them, making them notoriously difficult to deal with. It is common during a divorce for narcissists to:

• refuse to provide financial information and documents
• refuse to negotiate
• refuse to listen to their own lawyer
• defy court orders
• use the children as pawns

Because they are so competitive, narcissists love the adversarial nature of the legal system and excel at manipulating it to their advantage.
Not surprisingly, abusive behavior is also a definite concern. Very often, narcissistic men are also abusers—and unlike other kinds of abusive partners, they feel no regret or remorse. In fact, they believe themselves to be the one who’s been wronged. While they may not be physically violent, narcissists can be exceedingly controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive spouses.
If you are contemplating a divorce from a narcissistic husband, here are three critical financial preparations you should make:
Have funds on hand.
Given the tactics a narcissistic husband will likely use, you’re going to have to plan for a long, drawn-out battle –and that means having a substantial war chest of cash at the ready.
You should also make sure you have good credit in your own name. If you don’t, it will be well worth the extra time required to get good credit established. You cannot be without your own credit card(s) in the future, and you may need to qualify for personal loans.
Get your financial paperwork together.
Because your narcissistic husband will likely try to thwart you at every turn and refuse to provide required documents, it is essential that you have paperwork in order before divorce proceedings get underway. You should obtain copies of all the financial and legal documents listed on our Financial Information Checklist. This is a long list, and you may have items to add to it. Allow yourself enough time to gather and copy all the documents you can. Do not keep the copies at home. Give them to a trusted friend or relative, or keep them in a safety deposit box that your husband can’t access and doesn’t know about.
Put together a top-notch divorce team.
You already know that you will need a skilled, experienced matrimonial/family law attorney to handle your divorce. Make sure you discreetly interview several before you make your choice. Make sure your attorney knows how domestic abuse factors into division of marital property in your state.
You will also want to hire a divorce financial planner. He or she will be the financial expert on your team, so be certain you find someone with training and experience in assessing the financial implications of various settlement scenarios, with the goal of achieving the best possible outcome for your financial security.
A qualified, compassionate therapist will be an invaluable part of your team, as well. Look for someone familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A narcissistic spouse will have zero empathy for you, or for your children. He will be vindictive and hurtful, and he’ll thrive on it. Get an emotional support system in place to keep you grounded.
With your money ready, your paperwork in order and your team assembled, you are ready to proceed.
Miles Mason has more good advice: Once divorce has been initiated, you should keep direct communication with a narcissistic husband to a fact-based, dispassionate minimum. “Email is one of the best methods of communicating with a narcissistic spouse since it gives each party time to think before responding,” he writes on his website. “Additionally, whatever the narcissist says to you is in writing, which may eliminate some of his /her abusive behavior since there would be concrete evidence that could be used in court.”
Divorcing a narcissist may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do. But if you plan ahead and get help when/where you need it, you will succeed.
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Jeff is the author of the new book, Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally – What Women Need To Know About Securing Their Financial Future Before, During, And After Divorce, which provides women going through the crisis of divorce with the tools they need to secure their financial future. What’s more, he is donating 50% of all profits to the Bedrock Divorce Fund for Abused Women, Inc., a 501(c)(3) nonprofit charity whose mission is to help abused women successfully and permanently leave their abusers.
That mission is accomplished by supporting other 501(c)(3) nonprofit organizations that provide short and intermediate-term housing and related services (counseling, childcare, job assistance, etc.) to female victims of domestic abuse and their children.
All articles/blog posts are for informational purposes only, and do not constitute legal advice. If you require legal advice, retain a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. The opinions expressed are solely those of the author, who is not an attorney.
For further information, please go to our website at: http://www.BedrockDivorce.com or email Jeff at: Landers@BedrockDivorce.com

How do the PTSD symptoms resulting from a Narcissist or Psychopath's abuse and bullying meet the criteria in DSM-IV?

A great post about recovery and the need for therapy from Abuse No More!

Abuse No More · 34,644 like this

http://www.facebook.com/DomesticViolenceKills

about an hour ago near Desert Ridge, AZ ·

• ‎~Tina H
  
  How do the PTSD symptoms resulting from a Narcissist or Psychopath's abuse and bullying meet the criteria in DSM-IV?
  
  A. The prolonged (chronic) negative stress resulting from dealing with a narcissist or psychopath has lead to threat of loss of job, career, health, livelihood, often also resulting in threat to marriage and family life. The family are the unseen victims.
  
  A.1.One of the key symptoms of prolonged negative stress is reactive depression; this causes the balance of the mind to be disturbed, leading first to thoughts of, then attempts at, and ultimately, suicide.
  
  A.2.The target of the narcissist or psychopath may be unaware that they are being exploited, and even when they do realize (there's usually a moment of enlightenment as the person realizes that the criticisms and tactics of control, etc are invalid) - victims often cannot bring themselves to believe they are dealing with a disordered personality who lacks a conscience and does not share the same moral values as themselves.
  
  Naivety is the great enemy. The target is bewildered, confused, frightened, angry - and after enlightenment, very angry.
  
  B.1. The target experiences regular intrusive violent visualizations and replays of events and conversations; often, the endings of these replays are altered in favour of the target.
  
  B.2. Sleeplessness, nightmares and replays are a common feature.
  
  B.3. The events are constantly relived; night-time and sleep do not bring relief as it becomes impossible to switch the brain off. Such sleep as is achieved is non-restorative and people wake up as tired, and often more tired, than when they went to bed.
  
  B.4. Fear, horror, chronic anxiety, and panic attacks are triggered by any reminder of the experience, e.g.receiving threatening letters or email from the narcissist or psychopath or their friends, their family or attorneys. Additionally postings on online boards or sites about the victim by the abuser (often to try to make the victim look like the abusive one!) can add to these triggers and health related issues tremendously.]
  
  B.5. Panic attacks, palpitations, sweating, trembling, vomitting, binge eating or forgetting to eat, ditto.
  
  Criteria B4 and B5 manifest themselves as immediate physical and mental paralysis in response to any reminder of the narcissist or prospect being forced to take action against the narcissist.
  
  C. Physical numbness (toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy). Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.
  
  C.1. The target tries harder and harder to avoid saying or doing anything which reminds them of the horror of the exploitation.
  
  C.2. Almost all Victims report impaired memory; this may be partly due to suppressing horrific memories, and partly due to damage to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory.
  
  C.3. the person becomes obsessed with resolving the experience which takes over their life, eclipsing and excluding almost every other interest.
  
  C.4. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; the person just wants to be on their own and solitude is sought.
  
  C.5. Emotional numbness, including inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love again.
  
  C.6. The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened career - usually with justification. Many targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health.
  
  D.1. Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings are worst early in the morning. Feelings of vulnerability may be heightened overnight.
  
  D.2. The person has an extremely short fuse and is often permanently irritated, especially by small insignificant events. The person frequently visualises a violent solution, e.g. arranging an accident for, or murdering the narcissist; the resultant feelings of guilt tend to hinder progress in recovery.
  
  D.3. Concentration is impaired to the point of precluding preparation for legal action, study, work, or search for work.
  
  D.4. The person is on constant alert because their fight or flight mechanism has become permanently activated.
  
  D.5. The person has become hypersensitized and now unwittingly and inappropriately perceives almost any remark as critical.
  
  E. Recovery from a narcissist experience is measured in years. Some people never fully recover. Long term and repeated damage by disordered persons become C-PTSD.
  F. For many, social life ceases and work becomes impossible. Many develop autoimmune diseases such as lupus, fibromyalgia, chronic pain or adrenal fatigue and even become totally disabled.
  
  THERAPY can and does help. But it takes a lot of time and work. The longer you wait to get help & treatment, the deeper the damage and the more difficult to heal or manage. Hang in there!
  
  Tim Field

Ways to hide your true income and assets during a divorce:

Today I went to court. It was my 3rd scheduled hearing for temporary support. My husband's attorney spent 30 minutes reviewing my mostly cheerful posts to tell the court, " I did not need support." The hearing ran late and Judge said it would have to be finished later this month.

I was left with no relief once again, after one year of asking for temporary support.   My legal fees have been driven by my ex's refusal to provide documents forcing me to subpoena multiple individual's and entities. 

My ex has also filed ridiculous motions that I was forced to respond to.

My lack of funds have been forced to prepare 95% of the financial documents presented in court. I have spent on average 40-80 hours a week since September preparing documents. It has been like putting together a puzzle with half the pieces missing. My time and efforts have limited my ability work caused extreme duress.

Today, I am past due on my rent, I don't have funds to cover utilities, doctor's visits, groceries, etc. Yet, my ex is out celebrating, feeling success at my denial of relief.

Below is the facebook post I wish the judge focused on. It is a list of some of the tactics he used to harm me and my children!

Take this as a warning whether you posts on facebook or negative or positive they will be used in court. It is best to post nothing at all!

40 Ways to hide your true income and assets during a divorce:

(The following works best if you start 1 year before filing)

1. Claim you are disabled and unable to work.
2. Remove your spouse from all accounts without their knowledge and allow them to deposit earnings in those accounts. The bank will not notify them they have been removed until they attempt a substantial withdrawal for attorney. (This gives you the benefit of stealing every last resource they have for attorney fees)
3. Destroy Stock Certificates
4. Pocket Cash Lease Payments (Added advantage you don’t have to pay income tax or sales tax)
5. Don’t report income for jobs worked
6. Don’t report income for commissions received
7. Claim ½ the income you deposit into your personal checking account and say the rest came from your mother. (Even if it didn’t, the other person’s time and resources will be depleted filing for subpoenas, entering every entry of your account.)
8. Cash check’s received for work, disposal of marital assets and commissions.
9. Only deposit what you need to pay bills in accounts.
10. Gain pity- tell people you love your spouse and hope to reconcile. Once you have their pity, you can tell them your spouse is an alcoholic whore that took every last penny you had.  (If people believe your lies, they just might assist you in harming your ex or at least help cover your back)
11. Go to Alanon meetings- It helps confirm your ex is an alcoholic.
12. Go to Church and ask people to pray for your Alcoholic ex so “they be saved and stop their wicked ways and return to their marriage.”
13. Alienate your ex personally and professionally- use 10-13 to damage their relationship with friends, tenants, employers and clients. This will hinder their ability to earn or borrow funds for their attorney.
 14. Lie to your attorney.  It will take months before they figure it out and in the mean time they will do everything in their power to hurt your ex. They may fire you in the end but you can always borrow more money from your mother for a new attorney.
15. Refuse discovery.
16. File a motion for protection due to discovery being harassing. (i.e. They are asking me to prove my disability and that hurt my feelings)
17. Submit incomplete discovery. You may submit bank statements but leave out all the canceled checks so income cannot be tracked.
18. Deny access to property. If ex tries to access property to verify work or assets. File a petition for protection with the court.
19. Call the police on them while they are at work even if you have no basis. This will cause damage to their work relationships because they will be forced to leave work and deal with it.
20. Provoke them behind the officer’s back- while your spouse is talking to officer, make rude gestures and laugh smugly – this might provoke them to behave irrationally.
21. Refuse to pay child support or pay late. This will cause financial hardship and as long as it is current when you enter court it really does not matter.
22. Use the child. Don’t tell your spouse where or who you live with and never bring child back on time. Make them worry about their child every time you visit with them.  This will make them appear paranoid and undermine their creditability.
23. Don’t pay property taxes.  The county cannot do anything until they are 3 years past due and the debt will devalue property.
24. Don’t pay true sales tax.  Income may be verified via sales tax. The department of revenue does not question if taxes are reduced. They are only flagged if payment is missing.
25. Submit corporate return balance sheets with all zeros entered. This may get you in trouble with the IRS but, it takes years for them to act and the divorce will be over by then.
26. File joint returns even though you are separated and claim your ex’s child from another marriage even if they did not live with you.
27. File electronic joint returns. This way you don’t have to actually forge ex’s name and they will not get refund they were counting on to pay attorney fees.
28. Remove ex as officer on all corporations on state filings.
29. File S corp election making you 100% shareholder without ex’s knowledge.
30. Don’t pay hospital or medical bills.  The stress you cause with actions above may cause your ex physical illness. If past medical bills are outstanding they won’t be able to seek treatment. This may limit their strength and ability needed to uncover your lies.
31. Increase legal expenses. Easy as refusing discovery, filing irrelevant petitions, requests for custody, etc.
32. Liquidate Assets- prior to filing have frequent garage sales and sell everything you can on craigslist. (Bonus sell things that ex holds dearly like their family remains or jewelry. Your ex will be so distraught by the loss they will forget to ask for any funds of the sale.)
33. Take personal assets from ex prior to filing such as engagement rings, cameras, electronics. Don’t leave them anything they could sell and use for attorney fees.
34. Present crap in court. Focus on ex’s facebook posts at a hearing for temporary support rather than defending your liquidation and manipulation of assets. Focus on the fact your ex has a new lover and don't mention you have been cohabitating with an intimate lover, slept with your ex's friends, and business associates. The hearing will run out of time and your ex will receive no relief.
35. Use PO Box. Have all mail go to PO Box where ex may not access to limit her knowledge of everything mentioned above.
36. Change computer password so they may not access any financial records.
37. Forge their name- the state will not prosecute a spouse for forging another spouses name unless it is on a warranty deed, mortgage or check. Corporate documents, covenants not sue, tax returns are fair game.
38. Play with the corporate books by entering income as loan’s from shareholder to reduce income.
39. Stalk your ex. Make them afraid to go out in public and defend themselves.
40. Threaten your ex, their family and friends.  If you do this right, their family and friends will be so afraid for your ex, they will tell them to settle.