Leaving a High Conflict Person

Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Leaving a High Conflict Person

by Randi Kreger

It's been tough. After many months or years, you see no alternative but to separate from your high conflict partner (HCP). The process of leaving an HCP is tougher than you may be used to. These guidelines, developed over the years by people who have separated, will help.

Make sure you're ready to leave. Some people leave impulsively. Later, they miss the person or feel guilty. If you've tried a variety of techniques designed for high conflict partners and they haven't worked, or you and your children are suffering, it's time to let go.

No take backs. Once they see you are really going to leave, HCPs usually back off from their abusive tactics. You may receive gifts, flowers, and all kinds of promises to change. Not buying in is tough, because everything in you will desperately want to believe them.

But restructuring a personality takes years. While people with borderline personality can get better, narcissists seldom do. Insist on therapy. You have issues you need to face too, and your own recovery to undertake.

To stay in reality, keep a notebook of all the reasons why you want to leave. List all the ways you've tried to change things, along with their results. Make a list of all the hurtful things your partner did and read it when you feel weak.

Avoid contact. Whether you reach out to your ex or vice versa, the results will be confusing and painful. If you contact them, you might find they've moved on. Don't invite contact or respond to it, no matter how curious you are or how validating you may think it might be.

Now is not the time to tell your ex you think they have a personality disorder. Don't write letters to their therapist or family. Don't tell your ex what to do or continue to try to fix them. It's over. Move on. If you feel guilty about leaving your partner, remember, your partner functioned without you before you met them--as did you.

Take care of yourself. You've been through an extremely stressful experience and you need time to heal. You're probably dropped the habit of caring for yourself, or have developed serious problems with depression--even traits of post traumatic stress disorder. Seek professional help if you haven't already.

Go for a walk. Go to a coffee shop and be open to conversation. If you have hobbies (especially creative and expressive ones) use this new-found time to pursue your interests. Look upon this as a great new beginning. Go back to school. Set some new goals. If you've learned unhealthy coping techniques, like drinking, seek help.

Isolation may be one of your biggest problems. Even if you don't feel like it, make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and reach out to supportive family members. Ask them for what you need. They may say you should have left long ago; on the other hand, they might tell you you're doing the wrong thing. Stay true to yourself. Be specific about what you need and don't need from them.

Continue therapy. Self-awareness is actually one of the "gifts" received from having been in an abusive situation. With enough work, you may actually come out of the experience as a stronger person.

Take time to process this journey. Even if the relationship was bad and you're happy about getting out, you may go through the stages of grief characterized by Dr. Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages don't happen overnight, and you will go back and forth between them. Give yourself time.

Whether you were together for a long time or a short, intense time, you had hopes and dreams. You thought this person was a soul mate and you're convinced you'll never find someone you'll love as much and who will love you. This isn't true. A new relationship may not be intense, but it will be more intimate.You need time to grieve both the loss of what was and what you hoped would be.

If you were married, anticipate a difficult, high conflict divorce. You need the booklet Splitting: Protecting Yourself When Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist by attorney Bill Eddy. (He also has a CD.) There simply is no better source.

Prepare for a distortion campaign. An abandoned partner may try retaliating and starting a "smear" campaign or distortion campaign. This consists of making false allegations or exaggerating the negative in things that may have happened years ago. If your partner degraded previous partners, assume the worst.

While you can't prevent this, you can do damage control. Quickly anticipate what your ex might say--think of old arguments and false accusations. Next, have short, informal chats with people who may be on the receiving end. Briefly mention they may hear things and ask them to talk to you to see if they're true.

If you are getting divorced and your spouse is making false accusations and gathering negative allies, you need to respond at once. See Splitting for a step-by-step process on what you must do to protect yourself and your children.

When you start dating again, be aware of red flags.of potentially abusive people. You know this person acted abusively. So why does it hurt so much now that they're gone? Why do you feel almost addicted to the other person, even missing all the drama and intensity of the relationship?

The reasons for this are complex. You brought certain issues into the relationship; so did they. The combination of trauma with intermittent good time creates a strong bond--an unhealthy one. You may be mistaking intensity for intimacy.

People who have patterns dating high conflict people may be trying to resolve issues stemming from important childhood relationships. Explore this with a therapist before getting into another relationship. This is critical.

People can be great at hiding their illness in the beginning of a relationship, but in retrospect, you will see that some early signs were there. Don't rush into any new relationships before you have fully processed the previous bad one.

In the end, you will be amazed that you even allowed yourself to stay in such a relationship, and even more amazed to find that you now have the inner strength and awareness to avoid repeating it in the future.

SOURCE

These posts are from 2 other women that have gained more courage than me.  I am personally in the keeping the peace mode because of recent transitions and current court case.  It seems that every time, I stand up for myself, my actions occupy the courts time and the real issues are still not heard.

Remember, I have been in my situation for 3 years and still have not been awarded proper child support because 42 hours of the judges time has been discussing the following facebook post I made after he refused to pay child support:

"A deadbeat parent is a person that willfully refuses to provide support even when they have the means to do so"
 

Please note my daughter is blocked from my facebook page because, I have made a post like this from time to time. (considering my circumstances, it has been minimal)

I never mentioned my ex, my situation, I just simply posted the definition. Each time I go to court the clock is ran discussing a post I made two years ago. 

 

After, I advised my daughter to "Keep the peace" while visiting her father.  I felt, I did the wrong thing and discussed it with her. She informed me she prefers to keep the peace at this time. 

 

The posts below, remind me of a recent incident where I gave in.  My only successful hearing so far has been my petition to relocate and the only reason it was a success was because my daughter was allowed to testify.  Unfortunately, my ex presented such a scathing report of me, I would be  afraid of my instability and abusiveness if I had believed it.  Of course the "Deadbeat Dad" post was brought up again, making court feel like I was stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and I was never going to escape that post.  It is funny how the judge assumes both parties are being unreasonable and lying and never considered the fact he was withholding child support. 

 

Back to the point.  In my agreement to move 350 miles away, I am to provide 100% of transportation once a month and he is to meet me halfway the other visit.  He lives in my hometown and most of family lives there so, it makes sense for me travel the full distance most of the time.  Our first scheduled visit,  I brought my daughter down.  The second scheduled visit, he was to meet halfway, but he postponed the visitation (arrangements he made directly with my daughter). The third scheduled visit he was supposed to meet halfway, since it was a postponement of the second.  Being the nice person I am, I made the mistake of offering to bring her down and provide 100% of the transportation if I could pick her up on noon on Sunday.  The drive is 6 1/2 hours and I wanted to get my daughter home at reasonable hour.  Our meeting time was 3pm at  the midway location about 3 1/2 hours from his home.

 

Needless to say this ended up being, one week of accusations, attorney consults, threats, etc. and I finally said fine, I will bring her down and pick her up whenever.  For me, I gave in because he wanted me to fight.  He wanted to cause me stress and feel he still had control.  My choosing not to fight, allowed me to win and saved my daughter from a car ride with him complaining about me the whole time. 

 

The one thing that does concern me, as the post below mentions "by not standing up, we are showing our children we can not protect them" I pray my actions have not given my daughter that message. 

Yes, she is forced to visit him and until she tells me she does not want to, I will not make that fight.

Yes, we had an incident where calling the police failed us. (details at: http://neveraccept.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-narcissistic-father.html)

Yes, family court has not proven to provide justice or protection.

But, my daughter has seen me, leave the situation, fight the battle and survive this ordeal.  My daughter has seen me stand up for her and do my best to protect her.  Most importantly, she is open and honest with me and we have worked together to cope with her visits and develop what works for us today.

 

I do admire these women in the posts below and I hope, I find the courage to stand up a little more each time I deal with him.  I hope my boundaries become strong and defined.

 

 

By Quinn Pierce October 9, 2013 26 Comments Read More →

Divorcing A Sociopath: Avoiding Conflict and Other Mistakes

by Quinn Pierce
For a long time, I tried to keep confrontations with my ex-husband to a minimum.  I always thought that I could avoid causing my boys any further harm by just ‘keeping the peace’.  I considered it a small price to pay if I had to tolerate inconveniences and insults in order to give my children a drama-less environment.

But, as is always the case when negotiating with a sociopath, the price was much higher than I ever imagined.

Good Intentions
I believed I was setting an example by taking the high road and not engaging my ex-husband in his game-playing antics.  Unfortunately, what I was doing was letting a bully set the rules and move the boundaries at will.

And while I thought I was helping my boys to feel safe and secure, I was acting in a way that made them think I could not protect them from their father.  If I couldn’t stand up to him when he tried to exert control and disrupt our lives with small, insignificant acts, how could I stand up to him if he did something really hurtful or scary?

I guess I didn’t realize that a sociopath will act the exact same way whether someone is nice or not.  It’s definitely true of my ex-husband.  The more accommodating and agreeable I am, the more he tries to take advantage of me and push past the boundaries I have set.  It seems as though his ultimate goal is always to have me engage in some type of drama, and so, he pushes until there is conflict, takes advantage of my conflict avoidance, or enjoys every second of his drama-filled arguments.

Unlikely Gifts
For me, it was something I had to figure out through experience, since it didn’t really register when anyone else shared this type of advice.  Which means it took a totally unexpected, and somewhat bizarre event, to show me just how misguided my judgment was when dealing with this man whose only consistent characteristic is spitefulness.

And that event occurred after I finally decided to reinstate a long forgotten rule of not allowing unexpected visits from my ex at my home.  Not long after my minor reprimand and reminder to him not to show up unannounced, I received two hate-filled emails from his new wife outlining every aspect of my life that she felt needed criticizing and judging.  Apparently, my life is just chock-full of reprehensible, despicable, and immoral behavior.  Actually, I was a bit jealous of the ‘me’ she described with such animosity; in reality, my life is not nearly as interesting or well planned.

Unexpected Response
It may not seem all that unusual for a new wife to despise an ex-wife, but I was very surprised by the email attack by this woman.  For one thing, I had probably spoken to her for a total of five minutes in the previous two years.  Secondly, I never gave as much thought to her as she obviously did to me, and I found it unsettling that she had such strong opinions of someone she hardly knew.  Lastly, I actually encouraged my boys to have a relationship with this woman.  Ok, maybe I couldn’t say the words “step mom” without feeling ill, but I figured the boys would need all the support they could get when visiting their father, so I was actually relieved when he met someone who had children the same ages as mine.

This may provide some insight as to how I missed the warning signs when I married my ex-husband in the first place, since twenty years later, I still seem to have this naïve streak that gets me into these predicaments.

Waiting For The Opportunity 
At any rate, I needed to talk to my boys about this strange turn of events. I knew they would be hearing some less-than-pleasant things said about me next time they visited their dad, and I wanted to let them know that, although I was disappointed by the disrespectful and cruel email attacks, I really didn’t care what she thought about me and they should just ignore anything they heard.

What this incident did, however, was far more significant than learning how much anger and hate a virtual stranger held toward me. It gave my boys an opportunity to unleash all the emotions they had held in for two years.

Following My Lead
Once those floodgates were opened, there was no turning back for my boys.  All of a sudden, I was hearing details of their visits that I never heard before.  And, my boys were starting to speak up for themselves when staying over at their father’s house.  What’s more, they became very protective of me and were no longer pretending everything was fine at my ex-husband’s home.

I was stunned by the transformation of my children.  I realized that they were just waiting for the opportunity to talk about what it was like visiting their father’s house.  I had actually prevented them from expressing their concerns, opinions, fears, etc, because what I had considered to be ‘keeping the peace’ had actually created an atmosphere that did not encourage the boys to speak their minds or share any negative experiences.

In Hindsight
In essence, by trying to prevent conflict and confrontation, I had caused more stress for my children.  I let a sociopath make and change the rules,-giving him his coveted control, while I appeared unable to protect the boys from his harmful behaviors.

I couldn’t believe the outcome of my actions were actually the complete opposite of what I had intended.  I guess I had continued a pattern of compliance from my marriage that I didn’t even realize was still happening.  It nearly broke my heart to learn this.

Better Late Than Never
It’s strange to think I am grateful for being verbally attacked by my ex-husband’s new wife, but I would say that I am.  She provided the catalyst to the events that would subsequently give my boys the opportunity to find their voices.

And I learned how important it is to maintain boundaries and not let the bully exert control.  I had become so used to avoiding arguments and conflicts that I didn’t recognize those situations that required me to stand up to my ex-husband.  He recognized that trait in me, and he took advantage of what he saw as an easy opportunity.

So, I am grateful.  I don’t know how long it might have taken me otherwise to figure out that my non-confrontational approach to my ex-husband was causing anxiety and stress for my children.
Who knows, maybe someday I’ll email her back and thank her for telling me what a horrible, controlling, vindictive person I am…then again, it was really a pain to have to change my email address after her unsolicited opinions of my character flaws began flooding my inbox, so maybe I’ll just call it even.

Posted in: Quinn Pierce, Recovery from a sociopath, Sociopaths and family, Uncategorized

26 Comments on "Divorcing A Sociopath: Avoiding Conflict and Other Mistakes"

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firebird says: 

October 15, 2013 at 10:21 am

Hi Quinn,
My story mirrors yours in a number of ways! It took me five years and a long protracted legal process to divorce my ex. Even though he had told me that he hated being married to me and hated the house and dealing with the kids, (and he hated our two cats! Seriously?), and he was madly in love with one of his young employees apparently, he would not leave the marriage and move out.

(To give you a visual that works: I once had to have a molar extracted. It was planted so deeply into my gum that the oral surgeon had to take a hammer, shatter it, pull out the pieces, and she did need to wedge her foot under the chair so she wouldn’t lose her balance as she yanked the pieces of tooth out. Getting rid of my s’path husband was kind of like that…)

I tried to keep my children from the center of the storm and did not set them against their father, in spite of my own explosive feelings. I followed the strong suggestions of my therapist, our marriage counselor, and my divorce attorney, family and friends who warned me to keep my children away from the conflict – to not say angry things about their father in front of them. They warned that if I did this, I would hurt my children. So I didn’t, even though he constantly denigrated me when the kids were with him and Brunhilda. We hear this from all kinds of divorce “professionals”, and technically, it seems like the right choice – however, as you illustrate in your post, it can make the normal person who is dealing with a sociopath seem weak and passive.

Our divorce culture acts as if both husband and wife are equally at fault. The behavior of the rational non-sociopath partner who is trying to keep body and soul together gets clumped in with that of the irrational and vengeful sociopath. So many times I heard this comment from clueless advisors: (“Can’t you two just work it out?”) Unless somebody has dealt with a sociopath, they have no idea that to deal with one is walking a tightrope. You don’t want to appear vicious and vengeful,(don’t show them your cards, and/or you get stereotyped as an angry witch) yet, you don’t want to appear weak because they’ll chew you (and your children) up and spit you out if you let down your guard.
When my children would come home from their father’s (and his new wife’s) house, they would be upset and I’d hear stories of their father’s disturbing behavior, and how the new wife was a smiling bully. Trying not to make the situation worse, I learned to listen to my kids. It was incredibly difficult to listen and not comment or bad mouth their father. But looking back, I’m glad that I did learn to listen.(To keep from exploding myself, I shared these stories with my therapist, and with trusted friends out of my kids’ earshot) Listening is a powerful tool, and it did prevent me from further contaminating my children with my own anger and fear. They did find their own voices. As young adults now, they ended all contact with their father and his disturbed wife.

Like you, I too received poisonous emails from his wife, and my ex signed them also. Unlike you, I took a legal action, and the result was a Civil Court trial. (it’s rare for a Defamation case like this to make it to trial, but during the course of 3 years, these curdling emails did catch the attention of different judges as they were passed around to determine if my case had merit. It was decided by the Court that my case did have merit, and, I did get to read the emails to a jury of six people.) I felt I didn’t have a choice, as my ex and his wife had intensified their harassment of me, because I required that he pay child support as required by law.

Sometimes, when the time is right, and the situation calls for a swift action, we can deflect powerful aggression back onto the aggressors. I think that’s called jujitsu. I didn’t “win” my case, but they no longer harass me, or my children, and the peace is blissful. But in order to expose the s’path, we have to choose the right time, get brave, and move prudently but directly way out of our comfort zone.
Lovefraud has done so much to bring information about sociopaths to the surface of our society, but in many ways our culture is still ignorant. My heart goes out to women who are trying to protect their children and themselves as they extricate themselves from toxic marriages to male sociopaths, and who have to listen to the “play nicely” patter of clueless people. Stay centered! Remember to listen to your children: The relationship of trust that you are developing with your children just by your listening now, will have far-reaching healing effects for the future as they become their own people. Listen and then take an action to draw the line. Find a good advisor who understands what you are dealing with. Follow your intuition. You have to learn to become a kind of warrior, but maybe you needed to learn how to become a warrior. I know I did.
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The Narcissistic Father

I found this post today and the image startled me.  It looks exactly like my daughter's father.

I have been struggling with how to teach my daughter to survive her dad.  It is a fine balance to advise your daughter on how to stay safe, not speak negatively about her father and not encourage behaviors that may harm her in the future. 

I am constantly questioning myself, "Am I doing the right thing?"

Please understand my daughter is a very mature 12 year old.  She often asks me if she could be my attorney because, she is the only one that can present the truth to the judge.

She lived in a home for 10 years where if her father was not attacking me, she considered it a special occasion and she count those days on her fingers.  ( I also struggle with the guilt of allowing my children to live that way so long, I wish, I left earlier instead of trying to keep peace at the expense of my children and myself.) 

Since the separation my daughter has experienced his rage, threats of suicide and has become his shoulder to cry on.  He takes her on tours of defaming me and gaining pity. He announces my instability to anyone that will listen.  She has witnessed people disown me and attack me and rally to her father's side.

Each time she tells me of these incidents I have told here the following ways to protect herself:

1. You should never lie but, it is best you say what your father wants to hear to avoid his rage. (Whoooa, I am telling my child to lie........but is better than her father calling her "a whore just like her mother" or throwing something at her.)  You may wonder why, I allow her to visit her father with such activity taking place.  I simply have no choice.  My daughter has called me in tears and terrified by his episodes.  One incident she was so afraid, I called the police.  The police came to his home and interviewed my daughter with her father present and her father convinced the officer she was upset because she was being disciplined for being disrespectful.  So, she can lie or face the rage.

2. Don't take it personally.  He often tells her she is overweight and out of shape.

3. Don't take up new activities with him.  If she said she wanted to skate, swim, sail, surf , etc. He would immediately start an Olympic training program for her because in his mind, if you are not the best at something, you should not be doing it.

4.  Never defend me.  It is not her fight.  She witnessed her father's rage with her siblings and their mother. It is just they way he is. 

5. Always invite a friend over if you can.  He is less likely to rage, if a friend is there.

6. Try to have fun doing something you would both enjoy.

I do however reinforce, these are actions to survive visits with her father.  They should not be used while dealing with anyone else and never ever let anyone else treat you this way.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing but the article below helps validate, I am not doing everything wrong.

  

How a Narcissistic Dad can Affect Your Life

Published on March 13, 2013 by Mark Banschick, M.D. in The Intelligent Divorce

 

 

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”. ~ T.S. Eliot

You used to think that by the time you were in your twenties and definitely by your thirties you’d have your act together – you’d be establishing a successful career, have your own place, be in a committed and stable relationship, visit the gym enough to have the body you always wanted and your social life would be vibrant.

But, you’re nowhere near where you thought you’d be, and the tiny boxes next to the list of achievements that you’d hoped to accomplish are still unchecked.
As your confidence deflates, you look back on your own upbringing, and think about your father – Mr Self-Assured. He seemed to have it all – charm, success, popularity and he never seemed to be plagued by self-doubt, unlike you. He was the hit of the party, knew everyone and made things happen. You couldn’t get enough of him.

How Kids Experience Narcissistic Traits:
Come to think of it, did his confidence border on arrogance? Is it possible that you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits? And if so, why is it important?
We take our families for granted – it’s natural that we do. Each family is a miniature sociological experiment, with its own set of unwritten rules, secrets, and nuanced behavioral patterns. We take our mom and dad for granted; like this must be what it’s like for everyone. Your dad may have been narcissistic, but you just assumed that all fathers were like him.
Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an out-right narcissist.

• Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.

• Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.

• Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.

• No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.

• Dad didn’t take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried to hurt them.

• Dad’s rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.

• Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.

• Dad wasn’t around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his own kids felt about him.

• Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t step into someone else’s shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.

• Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.

• You couldn’t really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.

When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as less so. This is why narcissitic traits are not synonomous with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The Heuristic Problem of Personality Classification:
Narcissism is not a dirty word, in fact, narcissistic traits are commonly found in most of us. There’s nothing disturbed about that. The other extreme is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a controversial, but often helpful label. For the record, our diagnostic categories are somewhat arbitrary and lack the veracity of harder medical diagnostic labels like a broken femur or glaucoma. These disorders are easier to document and study. Personality Disorders help us organize our thinking about an individual, but may fall far short of a truthful depiction of a whole complex person.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a person is narcissistic or merely has a healthy self regard. Narcissism isn’t about having high self-confidence; it’s a love for oneself that has morphed into a preoccupation. The term is based on Narcissus, the Greek mythological character who was so infatuated with himself, that it ultimately proved fatal.
Although it’s not actually fatal, narcissism can become so pathological that it satisfies the criteria, however faulty, of a personality disorder. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts… as indicated…. by the following”:

• wanting to be admired

• having a sense of entitlement

• being exploitative

• lacking empathy

• being envious

• arrogance

Another characteristic typical of narcissists is a disregard of personal boundaries. Narcissists don’t always acknowledge the need for boundaries which is coupled with their failure to realize that others do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat others, especially those that are close to him, as if they are there to fulfill his needs and expectations.
Now that you have a firm grasp on what a narcissistic father may be like, let’s take a look at how he might affect his kids. (We will get to narcissistic mothers another time.)
How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt his Son or Daughter:
Narcissistic parents often damage their children. For example, they may disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until they perform), and neglect to meet their children’s needs because their needs come first. Because image is so important to narcissists, they may demand perfection from their children. The child of a narcissist father can, in turn, feel a pressure ramp up their talents, looks, smarts or charisma. It can cost them if they fulfill their Dad's wishes - and it can cost them if they fail. No winning here.
In general, here‘s how a narcissistic father can affect a daughter or son.
• Daughters of narcissistic fathers often describe feeling “unsatiated” when it to comes to getting what they needed from their fathers. They never got enough and would have to compete with siblings for time with Dad. As a young child, Dad would comment on how beautiful you were. But as you grew older, he would rarely miss out on commenting on weight and attitude. You probably carry these concerns into adulthood, even if you found success. With a Dad like this, it's never enough. With men (or women), you often feel vulnerable and worried you’ll be dumped for someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissitic role are both natural ways to keep relationships safe; it's understanble and self protective.(But, you lose.)
A daughter needs her dad’s adoration; it validates her and helps her internalize her specialness. Healthy fathers give their girls that gift. You are special and deserve love, for being you.
• As the son of a narcissistic father you never feel that you can measure up. Dad was so competitive, that he even competed with you. (Or, didn’t pay attention to you one way or the other.) You may have accepted defeat - you’d never outdo your dad. Or, you may have worked hard to beat Dad at his own game just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. You somehow never feel good enough even when you do succeed, you still feel empty and second rate.
Just like girls need to be adored by their fathers to feel validated, boys also need their dad to believe in them. You may even become a narcissist yourself. This way you get Dad’s attention (after all imitation is the highest form of flattery); and you learn from your old man how to manipulate and use people.
So how do you survive a narcissist father?
Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind. And, so was Daddy.

• Get into a good therapy. You want to come to terms with dad for who he is, and how he hurt you. He' is your father after all, and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.

• His arrogance and constant need for ego stroking can be annoying. Accept Dad for who he is. If you put him into place in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable, but annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.

• Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”

• Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with their self righteousness. You are now and adult. Take care and take caution.

• Has your Dad affected your dating habits and choices? Some identify with their father by becoming arrogant themselves. Others are anxious in their attachments because they could never trust Dad’s undivided attention. Do you date narcissistic people yourself?

• Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.

• When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father and with others too.

• Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this backfire many times.

• Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. It may sound cheap, but if your father is narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of your life. He is your Dad, after all. Sometimes, it’s easier, and requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not under his roof anymore.

• Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance – and firmly impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for push back. Narcissistic people HATE criticism.

• Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t really inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant need of compliments, attention and validation. It is freeing.

Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There:
While it's hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach, a teacher, a therapist or a religious figure who really appreciated you. Maybe, your mother saved the day.

Take in the Good:
I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic father. Embrace that, while distancing yourself from the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing - internalize their good. And, there are good people to care about today - bring in this good as well.
Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don't have to be great to be good enough. That's an important healing.

Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy–Not True

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being “crazy”. That can mean anything–that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity.  Wherever you don’t fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us—even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist’s image of how he has molded you.  There’s the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.

Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.

Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don’t think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.

You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival–identifying with the aggressor.  Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you–the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided.
Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don’t come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

The Narcissist In Court

For all of you who are facing your Narcissist ex-spouse in court, here are a few pointers to help your side gain the advantage. Following that is some further advice from an attorney.   Used with permission from Sam Vaknin and the Archives of the Narcissism List[hr] The Narcissist In CourtA clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL pillar and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any cross-examination or deposition of a Narcissist. It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios which fit all the facts. It is very easy to break a narcissist - even a well trained and prepared one. Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds irresistible: Any statement or fact which seems to contradict his or her inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he or she possesses, any hint that he or she is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any positioning of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any intimation that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, or a victim. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he or she had no conscious intention of exposing. The narcissist will also react with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his or her entitlement. Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without question. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular "bloke". ANY insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist. ADD to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist: that he or she does not deserve the best treatment, that his or her needs are not everyone elses priority, that he or she is boring, that his or her needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he or she and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he or she will do what he is told, that his or her temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his or her inflated sense of self, etc. When approached in this manner, this will cause the narcissist to lose control the majority of the time. Remember, the narcissist believes that he or she is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ("you are not as intelligent as you think you are", "who is -really- behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "so, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older)... sorry, you are ...old" "what did you do in your life? did you study? do you have a degree? did you ever establish or run a business?" "would your children share your view that you are a good father?" "you were last seen with a Mrs. ... who is (suppressed grin) a domestic, stripper, receptionist... )" (in demeaning disbelief)) a narcissist will stand the chance of losing it. I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or during the deposition phase, etc. The following is from an attorney who learned about Narcissism prior to his divorce and was thereby able to have his attorney provoke the Narcissist to totally lose it on the stand: I am an attorney and have recently gone through and finished a divorce with my ex-Narcissist spouse. I also had my deposition taken (I have taken many myself. I hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic advice which should be no means conflict with whatever your attorney tells you. Not knowing which state you live in, it is impossible for me to offer any kind of specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me to do so anyway. I scored a perfect "100" in my deposition taken by my Narcissist-ex and lawyer. I adhered to the following rules: Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of attention will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It is a kind of narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their existence. Whether their lawyer believes their BS is irrelevant. There is an old reworked saying - "Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned". The lawyer may try to rattle you or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such attempts. Remain calm, cool and professional and answer all questions honestly and slowly. Give your lawyer time to object before you answer. Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even if you think an answer to a question will make you look foolish, silly, or anything else. Do not attempt to explain your answers to make them sound better. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble or tell stories. Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of a deposition is not to change anyone's mind. The purpose of a deposition is to "freeze" your testimony in writing so that any change or departure at trial can be used to hang you. That is why it is so important to tell the simple truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove yourself right or Narcissist wrong. Just remember - if you lie, you die! The time and place to deal with the Narcissist is in the courtroom. Let your lawyer do his job. Family law judges are disgustingly used to the lying and emotionality that goes along with divorces. You must at all costs wear the white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge that you are sneaky or vengeful. To summarize the most important advice: The real trick to beating a Narcissist in Court is twofold in nature. FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand is sublime. But, you must have ABSOLUTE, INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony. When confronted with the impeaching evidence, a Narcissist will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except the Narcissist) and will in general actively discredit themselves. SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle. If possible, your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the Narcissist to bring out and allow the Narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose self. It is often enough just to let the Narcissist be himself or herself. Emotionally-healthy individuals can generally see through the false self and discern the true motives of the Narcissist. Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law courts are generally not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are "no fault" divorce states, and even though judges are people and have emotions, generally they are interested in numbers and custody issues. Judges do tend to ignore all the drama, but if you can get a Narcissist to lie under oath and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on the witness' credibility with the judge. That is why it SO important for us to tell the truth at all times no matter how foolish we may think we look AND for us to conduct ourselves in a Calm, Rational and Dignified manner.

Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome

A great post from Domestic Violence No More

See links below:
http://domesticvnm.blogspot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Domestic-Violence-No-More/229151710456447

This explains the overwhelming feeling when I finally saw through the B.S. and kept asking myself, How did I get here?

After years of walking on eggshells trying not upset my husband, I lost myself.  Each day was about surviving the day and not upsetting him.  I lost ten years in this cycle.  If you find yourself living this way, Please seek help!  You will never please them and it will never get better! 

Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome

In narcissistic abuse the victim experiences extreme terror over and over again, often over many years. The behavior follows a sequence of events; first the tension gradually builds, the victim is then caught in an explosive exchange with the narcissist, this is then followed by calmness and feelings of being loved. Each time the process follows the same path of submission and reconciliation, which further consolidates the attachment between victim and victimized.

Faced with such madness, unable to take flight or fight, the victim is rendered helpless, and goes into a freeze/fright response. They are then apt to follow a typical post-traumatic response where they dissociate emotionally. They block out the pain (numbing), and they build a fantasy of fusion and symbiosis. This is Stockholm syndrome in action.

When a person has been subjected to narcissistic abuse, in effect they display many of the symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome that is also found in hostages or prisoners of war. Narcissists subject their victims to mental, emotional, and physical terror, a terror that must be denied if the individual is to survive the unrelenting onslaught of abuse. Trying to survive under these conditions, the victim is reduced to becoming pretty much like an infant that first comes into the world; that is, helpless and dependent on its survival from a main caregiver, which usually the infant’s mother.

So in the face of extreme danger, not just infants (but anybody in danger), turn to their nearest available source of comfort in order to regain a state of both psychological and physiologic rebalance. But, what happens when there is no source of comfort available, but only a cruel narcissistic abuser who threatens and beats their victim into the ground? Nature kicks in, that’s what happens, and the individual turns to inbuilt unconscious survival defense mechanisms, because if they did not, they would be annihilated by their own levels of negative arousal.

The victim of abuse unconsciously goes into a state of infantile regression. Where once they became obedient and clung on to the care-giver (mother), they repeat this behaviour by surrendering themselves obediently to their captor (trauma bonding, as seen in Stockholm syndrome) and organize their life completely around pleasing the captor. That way they survive in the war zone. This behaviour of negative reinforcement has been seen universally where ever people are held captive.

Part of the process of recovery comes from education and understanding narcissistic behavior, and being able to spot a narcissist when you meet them. It's a little difficult to avoid them entirely (family, boss, ex with children, etc); well, that is almost impossible because they are everywhere. They are usually very exciting in the beginning, the trick is to know what to look for so that you do not get sucked in as their Narcissistic Supply. 


Learn about your own process, recognize where your vulnerabilities lie in regard to any narcissist. It is my experience that victims have been groomed early, usually in childhood; this is not always by a parent, it could be a grandparent, teacher, sibling, friend, anybody in fact.

How amazing is the human being, nature wills us to survive in all its mysterious ways. When the time is right the individual will choose to deal with the abuse, and clear out the unconscious for recovery. Some have to wait until their abuser is dead, while others need to wait until they are safe and secure within a supportive setting. When the time is right, that is the time to start the journey back towards wholeness.





 

Help! I'm Divorcing a Narcissist (Repost)

Help! I'm Divorcing a Narcissist

The narcissist does not get over it already!

Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love         

There's a common concept that seems to run rampant in the community of divorce professionals. It is coined "high conflict couple" or "high conflict divorce." The thinking usually involves a belief that these difficult post-divorce custody battles displaying constant conflict are because both parents involved are just a bit crazy...or a lot crazy. Michael Friedman wrote an article for The American Journal of Family Therapy to discuss a closer look at this notion. He stated, "The concept has even entered into what might be called family court folk wisdom: we say that Mother Theresa does not marry Attila the Hun or that it takes two to tango."  While there is some truth that who we marry reflects our own emotional development, there is also a different and more complicated flavor involved when one is drawn into a narcissist's world.

For instance, Mark and Marcy married. They had two children. Mark continually emotionally abused Marcy throughout the marriage as well as the children. He had no emotional connection to the children and they were not attached to him. Marcy was the psychological parent and always has been. Then Marcy decides enough is enough and files for divorce. Mark cannot believe it. He cannot imagine why she would abandon him and ruin his life. He is not aware or conscious of his bad behavior and feels entitled. He has excuses for everything and blames others for his actions. He is the victim now and his abandonment issues are triggered. Mark is used to exploiting others to meet his own needs and he is appalled that his manipulation no longer works. He cannot be accountable. So, Mark will never let Marcy live this down. His avenue for re-gaining power now is in creating massive chaos in the divorce process and using the children as pawns. Why use the children? This is what is truly important to Marcy. So everything in the divorce becomes about him. "These are my children, this is my money, I want my parenting time." The mother and children are saying...what the? He was never involved before...he has been mean to us...he usually ignores us...he doesn't really even know us. What do we do now and what is this about? (This example can play out in either gender.)

The common thinking is that those adults with children, who divorce and continue to battle post divorce, must both have major psychological issues. After all, who would do this to the children? These are the cases that exhibit increased tension, post parenting difficulties, and often need child family investigators and parent coordinators to determine parenting time.
But, enter the condition of narcissism. What if you married a narcissist who is all about what is good for him or her, rather than what is in the best interest of the children? The narcissist makes unrealistic demands, is not emotionally connected to the children, may be emotionally abusive or worse, but will fight to the end to gain revenge or fight in the interest of his/her own needs. The fight may be economically based, or more likely what is known as a narcissistic injury. That person will never get over or forget that you filed for divorce or abandoned them, and will continue to make life difficult for you and the children. What do you do?

Most parents I have worked with over the years, who have married a narcissist and are in the process of divorce, find themselves having to take a strong stance to protect their kids. They find they have to be involved in post-divorce assessments and battles and then are at risk of being assessed themselves as just one of those crazy "high-conflict" couples. The danger here is that the children's best interest may not be served if narcissism is not understood in the case. It is true that one person who is narcissistic can unilaterally cause serious conflict that causes the other parent to go into defense mode to protect themselves and the children. Given that emotional abuse is difficult to prove and not taken seriously by the courts in most states, the war is on in these cases where one parent is causing havoc and the other is just trying to defend and protect. But does this mean they are both psychologically disturbed in some way? Not always.

To reiterate, if you marry a narcissist and then divorce that person, the narcissist will not forgive and forget. They do not move on easily. They cling to "how could you abandon me or do this to me" and the anger lingers for long periods of time, sometimes years and years. To imagine that one could process through an amicable divorce with a narcissist and stay friends and co-parent in a reasonable manner is not realistic with narcissists. They do things such as excessively disparage the other parent, resort to making up unfair and untrue allegations, and do not want to financially support the children because that somehow means to them that they are giving money to their ex-spouse. Their entitlement needs get in the way of fairly dividing property and money and in the end they do not think of what is best for the child or children. They think about what is best for them! "It is my parenting time!" "You cannot have sporting events on my time!" "Your mother (or father) is taking all my money."

Because narcissists do not have the capacity for empathy and emotionally tuning into the needs of others, the children's emotional needs are not realized. Thriving on constant conflict is the narcissist's way to stay connected and fight for his or her own rights rather than consider what works for the children. In fact, being oblivious to the needs of the children is usually observed.
My concern is first for the children in these families, then for the spouse who married the narcissist who is also being seen as a conflict designer. The helping professionals in divorce cases need continued education on this issue. Without a deeper understanding, we are losing the opportunity to truly assist families going through the life changing and emotionally wrenching experience of divorce. Narcissism is a disorder that wreaks havoc in these families. If this is you, make sure your attorney is well informed. There will need to be professionals involved to assist in how to deal with the narcissist parent. It is advised that the children attend therapy with a professional who understands the dynamics of narcissism and how that affects children. Some parenting plans that reflect a good understanding of narcissistic parenting will be needed.

Why one would marry a narcissist is a no-brainer. They can be charming, enticing, engaging and easily put on a show in the beginning of relationships. They are out there for you to fall in love with. You will only know the reality as you get to know them better over a period of time. But if you decide to divorce, reach out for some specialized assistance! You and your kids are worth it.

Related Articles

• Maternal Narcissism Survey: Is This Your Mom?
• Success Can Breed the Narcissism of "Tall Man Syndrome"
• Is Celebrity Behavior Making You a Narcissist?
• Don't be Passive When Divorcing High Conflict Partners
• Narcissism and Other Kinds of Hurt

Additional Resources:
Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/14391...
Audiobook: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/buy-the-book.php
Website: www.nevergoodenough.com and www.karylmcbridephd.com
Survey: Is This My Mom? Use this to assess if your parent has narcissistic traits. It is applicable for men as well. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/survey.php
Research: Interview You? http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/for-men.php
FB Parties for Adult Children of Narcissists: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride

Recognizing the Signs of Domestic Violence

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/28/recognizing-the-signs-of-domestic-violence/

By Donna M. White, LPCI, CACP

Domestic violence is a far too common occurrence. It does not discriminate and can happen at any time during a relationship. It takes place in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. It crosses all ethnic, social, and economic levels.
Signs of domestic violence often are overlooked, denied, or excused. The truth is that there is never an excuse. The only way to end domestic violence is to be aware.
Domestic violence can be more than physical abuse. It can include sexual and emotional abuse as well.

Physical abuse includes any type of abuse that causes physical harm or injury. Sexual abuse is any form of a sexual situation in which you are forced to participate in sexual activity that is unwanted, unsafe, or degrading. Emotional abuse diminishes self-worth and self-esteem. This is usually done in the form of verbal abuse – including name-calling, yelling, and shaming.
Abusers commonly use tactics to gain control over their victims. Abusers often may try to make their partner feel bad or “less than.” This tactic is used to make their partners stay. By engaging in behavior such as insulting, name-calling or other forms of humiliation, the abuser is able to diminish self-worth. Many victims start to believe the negativity and begin to feel they do not deserve anything else and no one else would want them.
An abuser may also take on the dominant role. This is often overlooked because it can be mistaken for “being in control” or “taking on responsibility.” This type of abuser will make all decisions and expect things to be done the way they want it without question or input.
The last thing an abuser wants is for their victim to realize that they could be okay without the abuser, or for others to point out that the relationship is unhealthy. While there are quite a few tactics to create this belief, an abuser may begin to isolate their partner from family and friends. In extreme cases, they may try to prevent their victim from going to work, school, or other outside activities.
Intimidation and threats also are commonly used. An abuser may threaten to hurt themselves, their partner or family. They may also use tactics such as destroying things, damaging personal possessions, harming pets, or any other intimidating gestures. Even when these threats are not physical, they should be taken very seriously because it is highly likely that they will escalate.
Abusers also are very good at minimizing their behaviors and placing the blame elsewhere. They will commonly make statements like “it wasn’t that bad,” “you’re making it bigger than it needs to be,” “if only you didn’t make me so mad,” or “I’m just having a bad day.” The truth is there is no excuse and no one is ever to blame for any form of abuse.
There are warning signs of abuse. If you are concerned about your relationship or the relationship of someone you care about, consider these signs:

• Having a partner with a bad temper, or one who is jealous or possessive
• Being overly eager to please the abuser
• Checking in with abusive partner frequently to outline daily activities or confirm prior plans
• Frequent injuries and claiming of “accidents”
• Inconsistent attendance at work, school, or other social activities
• Excessive clothing or accessories to hide signs of physical abuse
• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Limited access to friends, family, transportation, or money
• Depression or anxiety or other personality changes

If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs or others that may indicate abuse, talk to someone. If you are not sure if you are being abused, ask someone. If you have questions about someone being abused, ask them. You may save yourself as well as someone else.

APA: Fathers who batter their children's mothers can be expected to use abusive power and control techniques to control the children

9.26.2013 -http://batteredmotherscustody.blogspot.com/ 

Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force On Violence And The Family

ISSUES AND DILEMMAS IN FAMILY VIOLENCE

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Issue 5

WHEN PARENTS SEPARATE AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SHOULDN'T FATHERS HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT AS MOTHERS TO BE GRANTED PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF AND VISITATION RIGHTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN? Tensions exist between children's need for contact with their father and their need to be protected from the physical, sexual and psychological abuse that is common in families where there has been other forms of violence such as woman abuse.
Although most people believe that fathers should have equal access to their children after the termination of a relationship between the parents, the equal-access option is based on the assumption that the fathers will act in their children's best interests. However, that is a naive assumption in situations where family violence has occurred.

Fathers who batter their children's mothers can be expected to use abusive power and control techniques to control the children, too. In many of these families, prior to separation, the men were not actively involved in the raising of their children. To gain control after the marital separation, the fathers fight for the right to be involved. Often children who have been exposed to violence in the family are frightened to confront their father's negative or abusive behavior, and mothers cannot protect them. Sometimes the father tries to alienate the child from the mother by using money and other enticements, negative comments, or restricted access to the telephone during visitation with him. Other times, fathers may threaten or actually kidnap the child to punish the mother for leaving, or to try to force her to return.
Most people, including the battered woman herself, believe that when a woman leaves a violent man, she will remain the primary caretaker of their children. Family courts, however, may not consider the history of woman abuse relevant in awarding custody. Recent studies suggest that an abusive man is more likely than a nonviolent father to seek sole physical custody of his children and may be just as likely (or even more likely) to be awarded custody as the mother. Often fathers win physical custody because men generally have greater financial resources and can continue the court battles with more legal assistance over a longer period of time.
Family courts frequently minimize the harmful impact of children's witnessing violence between their parents and sometimes are reluctant to believe mothers. If the court ignores the history of violence as the context for the mother's behavior in a custody evaluation, she may appear hostile, uncooperative, or mentally unstable. For example, she may refuse to disclose her address, or may resist unsupervised visitation, especially if she thinks her child is in danger. Psychological evaluators who minimize the importance of violence against the mother, or pathologize her responses to it, may accuse her of alienating the children from the father and may recommend giving the father custody in spite of his history of violence.
Some professionals assume that accusations of physical or sexual abuse of children that arise during divorce or custody disputes are likely to be false, but the empirical research to date shows no such increase in false reporting at that time. In many instances, children are frightened about being alone with a father they have seen use violence towards their mother or a father who has abused them. Sometimes children make it clear to the court that they wish to remain with the mother because they are afraid of the father, but their wishes are ignored.
Research indicates that high levels of continued conflict between separated and divorced parents hinders children's normal development. Some practitioners now believe that it may be better for children's development to restrict the father's access to them and avoid continued danger to both mothers and the children.
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