How one mother copes

One reader of Lovefraud.com was married to a narcissist, which is similar to a sociopath. She has been able to raise her children to be normal, even though they see their father frequently. Here are her tips:

“Associate as little as possible with the ex, preferably by e-mail and keep it all business. The children will recognize what you are doing by the time they are pre-teens. You need not say a thing.
Compliment your child daily, even over the phone when they are visiting with their father. Ask questions about their day and how they feel and what their opinions are on different subjects and issues. Let them be HEARD; the narcissist will never really hear their sweet voices. Hug them and display closeness by holding hands, smiling, laughing and joking with them.
Criticize when necessary, but only in private. Make sure they know it is the action you do not care for, but you still love them, no matter what, period, and SAY this to them. Praise them in public and not just for their accomplishments, but just for them being who and what they are. Soften your tone and voice, they need to hear kind words and thoughtful manners to wash away the strident harshness of their father’s cruel, acerbic and almost always critical voice.
Let them know, in the most non-offensive way, that you do not approve of their father’s actions, as they are disrespectful to others. Make sure they SEE YOU behaving in a loving, accepting and respectful way to all others. Let them see you being kind frequently, no matter how small the kindness. Show them how to do the right thing under all circumstances and to be kind, no matter what. Teach them that all they can truly control is themselves and live this one (especially) by example!
Tell them each day that you love them, and I mean every day. Admire their accomplishments, encourage them to be frank, open, honest and to speak their minds, even to their father. Assure them that you are 100% behind them at all times. Teach them not to be afraid of this man or anyone else, and that they are worthy of the love they receive from you and others.
Lastly, when the time is right, let them watch you and include them often in a loving relationship with a normal man. They will discern what is right and what is narcissistic behavior.”

Other mothers who are co-parenting with sociopaths have found that their children are very perceptive. Kids can see through the sociopath’s façade to his “meanness.” Sometimes they see the evil before adults do.

K.I.S.S. And Tell: Fight a Sociopath and Win!

Sad but true and effective when dealing with family court!

FROM:
http://coparentingwithsociopath.blogspot.com/2012/11/kiss-and-tell-fight-sociopath-and-win.html

K.I.S.S. And Tell: Fight a Sociopath and Win!

 

I have to laugh every time I check my analytic's page. Especially the keyword phrases that people use when searching for information on co parenting with a sociopath. Don't misunderstand- I'm not laughing AT them. I am laughing at the absurdity of the fact that ANY of us are having to learn how to co-parent with a bonafide sociopath. Unbelievable.

That being said, I have personally been put through the ringer trying to figure out how to convince a judge that my ex is a sociopath. You would think that a psychiatrist testifying to the fact would be enough. NOT.

I have worn the search engines out looking for information about how to beat one in court, how to win against them, how to protect my child from one, how to testify against one, how to explain ASPD to your attorney, and how to co-parent with one. The answers are hard to find.

Here is what I HAVE figured out about winning a battle against a sociopath: It is possible and it isn't that hard. I have developed a theory I call K.I.S.S and Tell. So, far it has been working for me. Here is how it works:

K.I.S.S. stands for Keep it Simple, Stupid. Sociopathy is hard to explain to someone who has never lived with it. The traits are not. Predicting the impact on a child isn't hard either.

Q: How do we tell a judge a sociopath is bad for a child? (Again, laughing... it is sooo wrong we should have to do this, duh!)

 A: Tell him about morality as a predictor for future criminality and values as an ability to instruct and inspire the child in preparation for becoming an asset to the community BUT don't throw a label onto your ex.

After all, aside from the abuse and neglect that our children must suffer now, our biggest concern is the impact a sociopath will have on their future. (I am not minimizing abuse and neglect, but I am avoiding it. Bringing this up in family court is an almost guaranteed way for a mother to lose custody- even if the sociopath admits to it and even if you can prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.)

If you run into court saying your ex is a sociopath and he tries to make you look crazy, then the judge WILL think you are crazy. The ex will snicker and laugh and say, “see, I told you she was nuts!” Emotionally detach yourself from your case. If you focus instead on proving a pattern of behaviors and painting a picture for how this will impact your child, you will come across as grounded. Judges like grounded.

I highly recommend the book “Teaching Right from Wrong – 40 Things You Can Do To Raise A Moral Child” by Arthur Dobrin. It is all about how to raise an ethical child- which a sociopath knows NOTHING about. It is also a valuable blueprint for telling a judge what your child needs and how you can do it better than a sociopath.

So, try to keep your case simple. Complicated equals confusion. Sociopaths thrive on confusion.

… and tell. What is a sociopath's ONLY FEAR? The truth being revealed. Do tell about what has happened in your life and the hell that your child is going through. BUT be clear that you can separate the past from the future. The reality is that in the current court environment, you WILL be forced to co parent with the sociopath. If you suggest anything less you run the risk of losing your child to the sociopath completely.

I used to keep my mouth shut about the abuse. I was embarrassed. Now, I tell every chance I get. Once people hear it they start noticing things on their own. The sociopath hates it, which triggers his issues and causes him to make a fool out of himself. I made the mental shift from victim to survivor and people are starting to see through his act. Me telling has caused him to sabotage himself. He is not winning anymore.

I believe in K.I.S.S. And Tell because I tried it the other way and I LOST. Then I learned that I was not alone. Thousands of mothers and children go through this very thing. The more outraged against the injustice we become- the harder we fight to reveal the truth – the tighter the noose around our neck gets. In this way, we mothers have a LOT to learn from corrupt father's rights groups and perhaps from sociopaths as well.

Posted by Samantha Gray at 9:00 AM