Amazing Reminder

A wonderful reminder of how children witness abuse and how those experiences stay with them a life time.  Fortunately this amazing man has taken those experiences and used his life to make things for others. I appreciate his comments about the shame someone feels when they are abused.

When I was a child, I often witnessed my father abuse my mother. Often, I would step in between them and ask him to stop.  I watched the same cycle repeat with my mother's future husbands and my father's future wife.  I vowed never to allow anyone to treat me that way.

When, I was 17, I called the police on my father after an altercation with my step mother. (Funny how I am still unable to identify my father as an abuser)  He disappeared for a couple a years and I was left with the responsibility of being my brother and sister's guardian and the relationship with my father was never really mended. 

Years later, I found myself in the same place as my mother and my 10 year old daughter was stepping in the middle. My abuser was different than my father.  He did not stop, he would tell my daughter to shut up, tell her it was all her fault, call her a whore just like her mother or throw something at her. It was wake up call that it was time to leave.

As the time has gone by since my escape. I have asked my daughter if she remembers bad times we experienced while living with her father. Her response was quite surprising.

"Mommy, I don't remember everyday, I only remember one year, you and dad did not fight on my birthday, once you dad went I field trip with me, and I love cheap Mexican food because we went there once and dad did not yell at you"

My daughter remembers those few moments of peace as a special occasion and the daily rage as normal..............And that is why a move forward.

I never point out what her father did to me, she is too young to deal with it.  Just as I can not identify my father as an abuser. She can not identify her father as an abuser. 

I can however explain to my daughter that no one should ever abuse her.  That she is a person and her feeling, dreams and desires are real and valid.  I can live today and demand respect from everyone that is apart of my life and I can easily discard those who harm me. 

Fortunately today, I am in an incredible relationship with a man that truly respects me and my children. She not only witnesses kindness and respect, she receives it.



http://www.upworthy.com/a-brave-fan-asks-patrick-stewart-a-question-he-doesnt-usually-get-and-is-given-a-beautiful-answer

Kind words are always appreciated!

Today is a little easier.

Today is a little easier.  I began my final separation 3 years ago today.  Since that time, I underwent constant attacks, a never ending smear campaign, I was cut off from all assets, my business and said good bye to life long friends and family.

I have spent 2 years in a court battle trying to protect my daughter, myself and my assets and the battle continues today.  His ability to manipulate the courts has cost me time and money. Each hearing his attorney would run the clock cross examining me about ridiculous accusations of my
un-stability, attempted suicide, wasteful spending, harassment and how I abused him.

Last month the court finally saw through the madness when my daughter was allowed to testify.  I have tried my best to shield my children from this and never considered allowing my children to be subjected to the asinine system known as "Family Court".  The courts have been used as tool by my ex to further his abuse, ridicule me publically and drain my resources.  I was fortunate my new attorney recognized the tactics after reading transcripts from the previous hearings and called it quickly. He refused to play "Groundhog Day" and did not waste time defending me. Instead, he allowed my daughter to testify. 

We were in court for my "Emergency Petition to Relocate". My daughter asked me to testify several times but, I told her no.  Her final request she explained to me that her father had a very good attorney and her father was determined to never let me leave the area with her. He had alienated me from most of the public with his aggressive smear campaign and I was struggling financially,  and socially. He would even smear my name with my daughter's friends parents, causing her to be alienated when she was in my care.  He continued to maintain control and would not let go.

My daughter, did not speak one ill word about either parent.  She simply told the judge, she wanted to live with me in a town three hundred miles from where she lived her whole life. Her positive attitude and the maturity of my 12 year old daughter demonstrated to the judge, in the midst of the insanity of all the divorce proceedings, someone was parenting correctly.  The judge granted me permission to move even after he heard the ridiculous lies about me. 

Today, I am living 300 miles from my ex.  He still uses visitation, child support and my daughters basic needs to provoke me. Fortunately, I can turn my head and look the other direction.  My daughter and I have settled into a peaceful routine.  She has friends and they are allowed to visit, she attends a school and no one knows of her parents divorce and she finally has found her peace in the madness.

I am getting stronger by the minute.  I am reconnecting with the person, I once was, before he entered my life.  I am still working towards my final hearing and obtaining what is rightfully mine. Sometimes, I consider walking away from everything I built over the last 13 years but, today he withholds basic necessities from my daughter to provoke me. Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever change. So, I have no choice but to move forward and fight for what my daughter rightly deserves. Hopefully then, I will be able to provide for my daughter, he will no longer have control.



***"Groundhog Day -  Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, an arrogant and egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman who, during a hated assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, finds himself in a time loop, repeating the same day again and again.

Recovery From A Sociopath: Establishing Healthy Boundaries

by Quinn Pierce



“But, I don’t understand, what does he do?”

And this is usually where the conversation falls apart.

There is no easy way to describe the behavior that sends me and my children into a post-traumatic tail-spin.

How do you explain to someone that you can just feel when someone is angry or disappointed with you?  Or, what it’s like when just being around someone makes you feel self-conscious, insecure…small.

Obstacles on the Healing Path

When I’m faced with this type of skepticism, I have two reactions: frustration that I have to try to convince people that the abuse, and subsequently, the post-traumatic stresses are real and jealousy that the person asking the question can remain so blissfully unaware of the evil around them.

Of course, it could be that others choose to live in denial of this evil, but that does not help my children or me heal. Regardless of the reasons for their disbelief, the outcome is the same: they are blocking my way on this healing path.  If I pull over to engage in such conversations at every turn, I will inevitably suffer some damage to my mental health and well-being.  So, instead, I choose to go around them and watch as other people’s opinions and uninformed advice fade in the rear-view mirror.

Mixed Messages

Over the past few years, some friends and family members have continued to profess their support of my decision and denounce my ex-husbands behaviors, but at the same time, have continued to interact with him on a social level.  This was extremely confusing and hurtful to me for a long time.  But I have learned that not many people are capable of taking a stance on a situation, because they do not want to be alienated or put in the uncomfortable position of letting someone know how they really feel.  Sociopaths seem to know this and use it to their advantage.

Usually, I hear the excuse that I didn’t reach out to anyone, or I never talked about the situation while my ex-husband did.  This tendency to remain private about my situation has been interpreted as a sign of guilt and/or remorse over my decisions.  The most irritating excuse family members use is ‘doing what’s best for the children’.  They don’t want my children to feel left out or upset, so they continue their relationship with my ex so that they can continue to include my boys.  For some reason, the people who claim to support me feel they know what’s best for my children, even if it’s the exact opposite of what I have explained is best for my children.

For a long time, this was very confusing to my boys.  They know their father is harmful, but people that I have taught them to trust are continuing to interact with him.  I didn’t have the strength at first to fight so many different battles as I tried to protect my sons from their dad, but eventually, it all came into focus and I finally made a clear and final statement about what I expected and what I would allow when it came to interaction with my children.  That definitive boundary-setting exercise quickly showed me who I needed to avoid on my new path.  Sadly, my ‘no contact’ list grows longer every week.

Identifying Healthy Relationships

The truth is, no matter how you present yourself to the world, it will be overshadowed by how a rejected sociopathic partner presents you to the world.  The trick is finding those who see through the jaded version and saying goodbye to the others, no matter how much it hurts.  And it does hurt to learn you can’t rely on or trust certain people you were once very close with.

But it makes my parenting role much easier.  I am no longer sending mixed signals to my children.  I am teaching them it is not ok to make excuses for others; just because someone says they love you, doesn’t mean they can ignore your feelings to make themselves feel better.  And most important, I am showing them how to respect themselves and not allow people into their lives who don’t respect them.

By setting this example, I am taking steps to make myself stronger, too.  I should not have to explain how someone abused me.  I should not have to try to convince someone that my decisions were best for my children.  And I should not have to continue asking for support and respect from people who have claimed to give me both.

I didn’t realize, until recently, that the continued action of trying to explain, convince, excuse, rationalize, and all the other futile efforts to maintain relationships with my so-called supporters causes me a great deal of anxiety and attacks my self-esteem.

Taking Control of My Own Emotional Healing

I’m so very tired of feeling like I’m being dismissed from a conversation before I finish speaking.  Every time I allow people to do this to me, I am giving them permission to doubt or belittle my experience and lessen my value in the relationship.  So, ultimately, I am recreating abusive and unhealthy relationships all around me.

Which leads me to wonder: Why do I keep allowing this to happen?

I’m sure the answer has something to do with my own insecurity and all the practice I had during my marriage to a psychologically and emotionally abusive sociopath.  And the only way I can see to make the changes I need to be healthy is to practice these new boundaries and remind myself that I want to set an example for my boys.

So, now I will use these triggers as a guide.  If someone asks me to explain the situation I was in so that they can ‘understand’ why it was abusive, this is not someone who deserves my respect, because they are not respecting me.  Never again will I engage in relaying the intimate details of my life for someone else’s verification or entertainment.

The Real Question

What someone does to hurt another person should not be the question from someone who cares about you.

The question should be: What can I do to support you as you heal?

http://www.lovefraud.com

Narcissists Are Not Accountable

I found this site and it reminds me of my ex.  He would often say "My only mistake in life was being born"

Who me? I didn’t do it!  

Published on August 19, 2013 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love       

Lack of accountability is a pet peeve for sure, and also a common problem with narcissists. Although there are many disturbing factors in the personality of a narcissist, this one is tough to deal with in any relationship. It’s hard to understand. What is so difficult about owning up to mistakes when we’re wrong?

Have you ever met a perfect person who has never made a mistake? How about a perfect parent or a perfect family? I don’t think so. We all make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from each one. Every failure becomes a significant stepping-stone for huge growth leaps in life if that is your worldview and you allow it to happen. 

See All Stories In

How to Spot a Narcissist

Welcome to the contradictory universe of narcissism.

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But, being accountable is difficult for a fragile self-esteem. For the narcissist, who has not developed a solid sense of self, and is emotionally stuck at a six-year old level, confrontation does not work well. In fact, when confronted, it is typical to see a six-year old temper tantrum that we call narcissistic rage.

Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others. This is their way to make themselves feel bigger and better. Jealousy is common but they project it to say others are jealous of them. It makes your head spin. For those raised by narcissistic parents, it is truly crazy making.

Is this generational as some say? Can we really divide it into Gen X, baby boomer, millennial or others? Is the definition of narcissism really so shallow that it is just about “image” and people thinking they are “all that?” No. From my research and clinical experience, I find narcissism to be a deep disorder that causes great harm in relationships and can be found in any generation or age group. Of course being image oriented and “all about me” is a part of it, but the cornerstone of narcissism is lack of empathy. This is what causes harm to children, crimes against others, lack of accountability, and makes the disorder difficult to treat in therapy. It’s also why children raised by narcissists usually have little luck confronting their parents about childhood harm or problems in their upbringing. The true narcissist will not hear it. They can’t be accountable or provide empathy. They instead deny, say they don’t remember, or make you the one who is wrong for approaching the subject.

Really, who cares if some one wants to be image oriented or all about themselves if they have empathy? They might be annoying to be around or grandiose in their thinking, but if they have empathy and can care about others… this is not narcissism.

Let’s get to the heart of the matter and not discount the true significance of narcissistic behavior. If someone thinks they are hot stuff or are overly concerned about how they appear to others, that’s their problem. Who cares? What I care about is how narcissism hurts children. That’s where it all begins and then unwittingly gets passed from one generation to another. This is where the real harm lies. We see it in every age group and every generation. I call it the “legacy of distorted love.”
If relationships and good parenting matter, then empathy and deep care for others is important. Accountability must be practiced. Being human and growing from our many mistakes is what builds the foundation to a solid sense of self. Every generation can benefit in this journey.

Additional Resources
Website: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com
Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book
Book Audio:http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book
Workshop: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Virtual Workshop. Online workshop in the privacy of your own home, complete with video presentations and homework assignments: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/workshop-overview-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride
Daughter Intensives: One on one sessions with Dr. McBride. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/daughter-intensives
“Is this your Mom?” Survey: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom
Shop online: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/shop-online
Meet up recovery groups: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/meetup-groups

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG TO GET OVER A PATHOLOGICAL PARTNER?

 

by Peace

Relationships with psychopaths take an unusually long time to recover from. Survivors often find themselves frustrated because they haven't healed as fast as they'd like. They also end up dealing with friends & therapists who give them judgmental advice about how it's "time to move on".

 Whether you were in a long-term marriage or a quick summer fling, the recovery process will be the same when it comes to a psychopathic encounter. It takes at least 18-24 months to get your heart back in a good place, and even after that, you might have tough days. I certainly do!

 The important thing here is to stop blaming yourself. Stop wishing it would go faster. Stop thinking that the psychopath somehow "wins" if you're still hurting. They are out of the picture now. This journey is about you. If you come to peace with the extended timeline, you'll find this experience a lot more pleasant. You can settle in, make some friends, and get cozy with this whole recovery thing.

 

 So why is it taking so long?

 

 You were in love

Yes, it was manufactured love. Yes, your personality was mirrored and your dreams manipulated. But you were in love. It's the strongest human emotion & bond in the world, and you felt it with all your heart. It is always painful to lose someone you loved - someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life.  

 The human spirit must heal from these love losses. Regardless of your abuser's intentions, your love was still very real. It will take a great deal of time and hope to pull yourself out of the standard post-breakup depression.

 

 You were in desperate love
Here's where we branch off from regular breakups. Psychopaths manufacture desperation & desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life. 

 In the idealization phase, they showered you with attention, gifts, letters, and compliments. Unlike most honeymoon phases, they actually pretended to be exactly like you in every way. Everything you did was perfect to them. This put you on Cloud 9, preparing you for the identity erosion.

 

 You began to pick up on all sorts of hints that you might be replaced at any time. This encouraged your racing thoughts, ensuring that this person was on your mind every second of the day. This unhinged, unpredictable lifestyle is what psychopaths hope to create with their lies, gas-lighting, and triangulation.

 

 By keeping them on your mind at all times, you fall into a state of desperate love. This is unhealthy, and not a sign that the person you feel so strongly about is actually worthy of your love. Your mind convinces you that if you feel so powerfully, then they must be the only person who will ever make you feel that way. And when you lose that person, your world completely falls apart. You enter a state of panic & devastation.

 

 

 The Chemical Reaction
Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval.
By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place your self worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person's opinion on you.

 

Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain - dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good. 

 Like a drug, the psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.

 Triangulation
There are thousands of support groups for survivors of infidelity. It leaves long-lasting insecurities and feelings of never being good enough. It leaves you constantly comparing yourself to others. That pain alone takes many people out there years to recover from.
Now compare that to the psychopath's triangulation. Not only do they cheat on you - they happily wave it in your face. They brag about it, trying to prove how happy they are with your replacement. They carry none of the usual shame & guilt that comes with cheating. They are thrilled to be posting pictures and telling their friends how happy they are. 

 I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally damaging this is after once being the target of their idealization. The triangulation alone will take so much time to heal from.

 

 You have encountered pure evil
Everything you once understood about people did not apply to this person. During the relationship, you tried to be compassionate, easy-going, and forgiving. You never could have known that the person you loved was actively using these things against you. It just doesn't make any sense. No typical person is ready to expect that, and so we spend our time projecting a normal human conscience onto them, trying to explain away their inexplicable behavior. 

 But once we discover psychopathy, sociopathy, or narcissism, that's when everything starts to change. We begin to feel disgusted - horrified that we let this darkness into our lives. Everything clicks and falls into place. All of the "accidental" or "insensitive" behavior finally makes sense.

 

 You try to explain this to friends and family members - no one really seems to get it. This is why validation matters. When you come together with others who have experienced the same thing as you, you discover you were not crazy. You were not alone in this inhuman experience.

 

 It takes a great deal of time to come to terms with this personality disorder. You end up having to let go of your past understanding of human nature, and building it back up from scratch. You realize that people are not always inherently good. You begin to feel paranoid, hyper-vigialant, and anxious. The healing process is about learning to balance this new state of awareness with your once trusting spirit.

 

 Your spirit is deeply wounded
After the eventual abandonment, most survivors end up feeling a kind of emptiness that cannot even be described as depression. It's like your spirit has completely gone away. You feel numb to everything and everyone around you. The things that once made you happy now make you feel absolutely nothing at all. You worry that your encounter with this monster has destroyed your ability to empathize, feel and care. 

 I believe this is what takes the longest time to recover from. It feels hopeless at first, but your spirit is always with you. Damaged, for sure, but never gone. As you begin to discover self-respect & boundaries, it slowly starts to find its voice again. It feels safe opening up, peeking out randomly to say hello. You will find yourself grateful to be crying again, happy that your emotions seem to be returning. This is great, and it will start to become more and more consistent.

 

 Ultimately, you will leave this experience with an unexpected wisdom about the people around you. Your spirit will return stronger than ever before, refusing to be treated that way again. You may encounter toxic people throughout your life, but you won't let them stay for very long. You don't have time for mind games & manipulation. You seek out kind, honest, and compassionate individuals. You know you deserve nothing less.

 

 This new found strength is the greatest gift of the psychopathic experience. And it is worth every second of the recovery process, because it will serve you for the rest of your life.

If you're worried that your recovery process is taking too long, please stop worrying. You've been through hell and back - there is no quick fix for that. And what's more, when all is said and done, these few years will be some of the most important years of your life.

from this fantastic site

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/08/why-does-it-take-so-long-to-get-over.html

Personality Disorders and Litigation

How Personality Disorders Drive Family Court Litigation
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
© 2007 Bill Eddy

I was first exposed to the concept of personality disorders in 1980 when I was in training as a therapist at the San Diego Child Guidance Clinic at Children’s Hospital. The DSM-III had just come out and Axis II of the five diagnostic categories required the therapist to diagnose the presence or absence of a personality disorder. (The current DSM-IV uses the same approach.) I quickly learned (often the hard way) that the presenting problems on Axis I (e.g. depression, substance abuse) were simply replaced by new ones, if an underlying personality disorder was not addressed in therapy.

Now that I have completed several years as a family law attorney, I have frequently witnessed the same underlying issues in hotly contested family court litigation — yet these remain undiagnosed and, therefore, misunderstood. As those with personality disorders generally view relationships from a rigid and adversarial perspective, it is inevitable that a large number end up in the adversarial process of court. Since more flexible and cost-conscious people nowadays are resolving their divorces in mediation, attorney-assisted negotiation, or just by themselves, those cases remaining in litigation may be increasingly driven by personality disorders.

The Nature of a Personality Disorder
Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress (for example fear of abandonment), which causes self-sabotaging behavior (such as seeking others who fear abandonment), which causes significant problems (such as rage at any perceived hint of abandonment) — in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. However, it is usually after you spend some time together — or observe them in a crisis — that the underlying distress reaches the surface.

As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce (over 80% are recovering significantly after 2 years), people with personality disorders grew up very distressed. It is the long duration of their dysfunction (since adolescence or early adulthood) which meets the criteria of a personality disorder.

Usually they developed their personality style as a way of coping with childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment, an emotionally lacking household, or simply their biological predisposition. While this personality style may have been an effective adaptation in their “family of origin,” in adulthood it is counter-productive. The person remains stuck repeating a narrow range of interpersonal behaviors to attempt to avoid this distress.

A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship — such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away — they just change venue.

Personality Disorders Appearing in Family Court
Probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — more commonly seen in women (now 2008 research indicates BPD is equally men and women). BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse — or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse — or attorney).

Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, which can appear similar to BPD, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger (such as in domestic violence or murder, for example the San Diego case of Betty Broderick). Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment.

Histrionic Personality Disorder also appears in family court, and may have similarities to BPD but with less anger and more chaos. Anti-social Personality Disorder includes an extreme disregard for the rules of society and very little empathy. (A large part of the prison population may have Anti-social Personality Disorder.)

Dependent Personality Disorder is common, but usually is preoccupied with helplessness and passivity, and is rarely the aggressor in court — but often marries a more aggressive spouse, sometimes with a personality disorder.


Cognitive Distortions and False Statement
Because of their history of distress, those with personality disorders perceive the world as a much more threatening place than most people do. Therefore, their perceptions of other people’s behavior is often distorted — and in some cases delusional. Their world view is generally adversarial, so they often see all people as either allies or enemies in it. Their thinking is often dominated by cognitive distortions, such as: all-or-nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, personalization of benign events, minimization of the positive and maximization of the negative. They may form very inaccurate beliefs about the other person, but cling rigidly to those beliefs when they are challenged — because being challenged is usually perceived as a threat.

People with personality disorders also appear more likely to make false statements. Because of the thought process of a personality disorder, the person experiences interpersonal rejection or confrontation much more deeply than most people. Therefore the person has great difficulty healing and may remain stuck in the denial stage, the depression stage, or the anger stage of grief — avoiding acceptance by trying to change or control the other person.

Lying may be justified in their eyes — possibly to bring a reconciliation. (This can be quite convoluted, like the former wife who alleged child sexual abuse so that her ex-husband’s new wife would divorce him and he would return to her — or so she seemed to believe.) Or lying may be justified as a punishment in their eyes. Just as we have seen that an angry spouse may kill the other spouse, it is not surprising that many angry spouses lie under oath. There is rarely any consequence for this, as family court judges often believe the truth cannot be known — or that both are lying.

Projection
Just as an active alcoholic or addict blames others for their substance abuse, those with personality disorders are often preoccupied with other people’s behavior while avoiding any examination of their own behavior. Just as a movie projector throws a large image on a screen from a hidden booth, those with personality disorders project their internal conflicts onto their daily interactions — usually without knowing it. All the world is a stage — including court.

It is not uncommon in family court declarations for one with a personality disorder to claim the other party has characteristics which are really their own (“he’s manipulative and falsely charming” or “she’s hiding information and delaying the process”), and do not fit the other party. Spousal abusers claim the other is being abusive. Liars claim the other is lying. (One man who knew he was diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder claimed his wife also had an NPD simply because she liked to shop.)

How Family Court Fits Personality Disorders
Family Court is perfectly suited to the fantasies of someone with a personality disorder: There is an all-powerful person (the judge) who will punish or control the other spouse. The focus of the court process is perceived as fixing blame — and many with personality disorders are experts at blame. There is a professional ally who will champion their cause (their attorney — or if no attorney, the judge). A case is properly prepared by gathering statements from allies — family, friends, and professionals. (Seeking to gain the allegiance of the children is automatic — they too are seen as either allies or enemies. A simple admonition will not stop this.) Generally, those with personality disorders are highly skilled at — and invested in — the adversarial process.

Those with personality disorders often have an intensity that convinces inexperienced professionals — counselors and attorneys — that what they say is true. Their charm, desperation, and drive can reach a high level in this very emotional, bonding process with the professional. Yet this intensity is a characteristic of a personality disorder, and is completely independent from the accuracy of their claims.

What Can Be Done
Judges, attorneys, and family court counselors need to be trained in identifying personality disorders and how to treat them. Mostly, a corrective on-going relationship is needed — preferably with a counselor. However, they usually must be ordered into this because their belief systems include a life-time of denial and avoidance of self-reflection.

Family Code Section 3190 (California) allows the court to order up to one year of counseling for parents, if: “(1) The dispute between the parents or between a parent and the child poses a substantial danger to the best interest of the child. [or] (2)The counseling is in the best interest of the child.” Even short-term counseling can help.

Therapists, in addition to being supportive, need to help clients challenge their own thinking: about their own role in the dispute; about the accuracy of their view of the other party; and about their high expectations of the court. Further, therapists should never form clinical opinions or write declarations about parties they haven’t interviewed.

Likewise, attorneys need to also challenge their clients’ thinking and not accept their declarations at face value. More time should be spent educating them to focus on negotiating solutions, rather than escalating blame. The court should make greater use of sanctions under Family Code Section 271 for parties and attorneys who refuse to negotiate and unnecessarily escalate the conflict and costs of litigation.

The court must realize that the parties are often not equally at fault. One or both parties may have a personality disorder, but that does not necessarily mean both are offenders (violent, manipulative, or lying). A non-offending, dependent spouse may truly need the court’s assistance in dealing with the offender. The court should not be neutralized by mutual allegations without looking deeper. Otherwise, because of their personality style, the most offending party is often able to continue their offender behavior — either by matching the other’s true allegations for a neutral outcome, or by being the most skilled at briefly looking good and thereby receiving the court’s endorsement.

The court is in a unique position to motivate needed change in personal behavior. In highly contested cases, counseling or consequences should be ordered. Professionals and parties must work together to fully diagnose and treat each person’s underlying problems, rather than allowing the parties (and their advocates) to become absorbed in an endless adversarial process. Because their largest issues are internal, they will never be resolved in court.

http://incra.info/parenting-time/child-custody-battles/high-conflict-parties/personality-disorders-and-litigation

The Parent Without a Conscience

 http://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?252-The-Parent-Without-a-Conscience

 

by

mummy to my son

Published on 07-11-2013 12:23 PM

10 Comments

The following "qualities" of a typical psychopathic parent come from my own experience and from reading many of your posts (survivors who also have to expose their children to a psychopath) here on the forum.

They know their own tricks and how to play them on the kids.
In other words if he love-bombed you, he can do it to your children, and then suddenly discard them as well. The extra bonus for a psychopathic-parent is that he can repeat this for a very long time and the child has no way of going NC, if the child gets as far as understanding what is going on then hard work has been done (mostly by the caring parent sometimes with the help of a good therapist).

They have a power-over relationship with the child.
In other words whereas in a normal relationship people influence each other, with a psychopathic-parent he exercises his power over his children and feels entitled to this - plus the psychopath has 'a legal right' to this, the law does not distinguish between types of relationships.

They will never co-parent with you, they will counter-parent.
In other words, he will make it his top priority to undo your parenting efforts with the children and make you fail as a parent. Not only is this a horribly tough battle for the caring parent (and a very long one), it is a nice 'hobby' for the psychopathic-parent, it is thrilling to see how (sometimes with very little effort) he can undo your hard work and make you suffer.

They will use the children as weapons regardless of the consequences for them.
Children are "remote controls" for a psychopathic-parent, he can use these at will to set off some drama for you and them, he can push the button and enjoy the show. Any clever psychopath will know his children (or you) well enough to know which buttons to push. Here you can make it more difficult for him if - in time (a long time) - he is excluded from the kids' activities as much as possible and gets more clueless about what they like and how their life with you is.

They do not love their children, but will demand love in return.
And even when the children do adore their psychopathic-dad it will still not be enough, it never is. It will not be enough to appease him, not enough to trust the children and not enough to be there for them. On the other hand, any lack of complete adoration from the children will give him the 'right' to retaliate against you.

They will use their children at will to prove themselves to a new partner.
But sadly this also means that after totally discarding his own children and treating them as strangers, the psychopath will then be able to 'prove' to his new partner what an evil person you are and put the OW in a triangle with you that you never wanted. You get her anger (as do the children at times) and he gets her devotion and overflowing pity. Very rarely (not, in my experience) does he actually show himself to be proud of his children even though he sees himself as the best ever dad.

They will see custody as a battle they should 'win', never as a serious responsibility.
This makes these horrible custody battles so bitter because he does not really have anything to lose, if he gets custody he can still have OW take care of the children or even drop them on you (after winning of course) because he knows you care and will care for them when he does not.

They will stick to their right of being in touch with you, using the children as an excuse.
This means that he gets this power of going totally NC with you at times when you really need him for important decisions in the lives of the kids, and then he will bother you day and night if he feels like it (or feels that you might be weak for whatever reason) using the children and his right to be their father when it is convenient to him.

To say it with a quote (from Indie Mom whose posts mean a lot to me):

Co-parenting with a psychopath is a special kind of hell.

_{This article was originally published in forum thread: The Parent Without a Conscience started by mummy to my son View original post}