Recognizing the Signs of Domestic Violence

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/28/recognizing-the-signs-of-domestic-violence/

By Donna M. White, LPCI, CACP

Domestic violence is a far too common occurrence. It does not discriminate and can happen at any time during a relationship. It takes place in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. It crosses all ethnic, social, and economic levels.
Signs of domestic violence often are overlooked, denied, or excused. The truth is that there is never an excuse. The only way to end domestic violence is to be aware.
Domestic violence can be more than physical abuse. It can include sexual and emotional abuse as well.

Physical abuse includes any type of abuse that causes physical harm or injury. Sexual abuse is any form of a sexual situation in which you are forced to participate in sexual activity that is unwanted, unsafe, or degrading. Emotional abuse diminishes self-worth and self-esteem. This is usually done in the form of verbal abuse – including name-calling, yelling, and shaming.
Abusers commonly use tactics to gain control over their victims. Abusers often may try to make their partner feel bad or “less than.” This tactic is used to make their partners stay. By engaging in behavior such as insulting, name-calling or other forms of humiliation, the abuser is able to diminish self-worth. Many victims start to believe the negativity and begin to feel they do not deserve anything else and no one else would want them.
An abuser may also take on the dominant role. This is often overlooked because it can be mistaken for “being in control” or “taking on responsibility.” This type of abuser will make all decisions and expect things to be done the way they want it without question or input.
The last thing an abuser wants is for their victim to realize that they could be okay without the abuser, or for others to point out that the relationship is unhealthy. While there are quite a few tactics to create this belief, an abuser may begin to isolate their partner from family and friends. In extreme cases, they may try to prevent their victim from going to work, school, or other outside activities.
Intimidation and threats also are commonly used. An abuser may threaten to hurt themselves, their partner or family. They may also use tactics such as destroying things, damaging personal possessions, harming pets, or any other intimidating gestures. Even when these threats are not physical, they should be taken very seriously because it is highly likely that they will escalate.
Abusers also are very good at minimizing their behaviors and placing the blame elsewhere. They will commonly make statements like “it wasn’t that bad,” “you’re making it bigger than it needs to be,” “if only you didn’t make me so mad,” or “I’m just having a bad day.” The truth is there is no excuse and no one is ever to blame for any form of abuse.
There are warning signs of abuse. If you are concerned about your relationship or the relationship of someone you care about, consider these signs:

• Having a partner with a bad temper, or one who is jealous or possessive
• Being overly eager to please the abuser
• Checking in with abusive partner frequently to outline daily activities or confirm prior plans
• Frequent injuries and claiming of “accidents”
• Inconsistent attendance at work, school, or other social activities
• Excessive clothing or accessories to hide signs of physical abuse
• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Limited access to friends, family, transportation, or money
• Depression or anxiety or other personality changes

If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs or others that may indicate abuse, talk to someone. If you are not sure if you are being abused, ask someone. If you have questions about someone being abused, ask them. You may save yourself as well as someone else.

APA: Fathers who batter their children's mothers can be expected to use abusive power and control techniques to control the children

9.26.2013 -http://batteredmotherscustody.blogspot.com/ 

Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force On Violence And The Family

ISSUES AND DILEMMAS IN FAMILY VIOLENCE

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Issue 5

WHEN PARENTS SEPARATE AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SHOULDN'T FATHERS HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT AS MOTHERS TO BE GRANTED PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF AND VISITATION RIGHTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN? Tensions exist between children's need for contact with their father and their need to be protected from the physical, sexual and psychological abuse that is common in families where there has been other forms of violence such as woman abuse.
Although most people believe that fathers should have equal access to their children after the termination of a relationship between the parents, the equal-access option is based on the assumption that the fathers will act in their children's best interests. However, that is a naive assumption in situations where family violence has occurred.

Fathers who batter their children's mothers can be expected to use abusive power and control techniques to control the children, too. In many of these families, prior to separation, the men were not actively involved in the raising of their children. To gain control after the marital separation, the fathers fight for the right to be involved. Often children who have been exposed to violence in the family are frightened to confront their father's negative or abusive behavior, and mothers cannot protect them. Sometimes the father tries to alienate the child from the mother by using money and other enticements, negative comments, or restricted access to the telephone during visitation with him. Other times, fathers may threaten or actually kidnap the child to punish the mother for leaving, or to try to force her to return.
Most people, including the battered woman herself, believe that when a woman leaves a violent man, she will remain the primary caretaker of their children. Family courts, however, may not consider the history of woman abuse relevant in awarding custody. Recent studies suggest that an abusive man is more likely than a nonviolent father to seek sole physical custody of his children and may be just as likely (or even more likely) to be awarded custody as the mother. Often fathers win physical custody because men generally have greater financial resources and can continue the court battles with more legal assistance over a longer period of time.
Family courts frequently minimize the harmful impact of children's witnessing violence between their parents and sometimes are reluctant to believe mothers. If the court ignores the history of violence as the context for the mother's behavior in a custody evaluation, she may appear hostile, uncooperative, or mentally unstable. For example, she may refuse to disclose her address, or may resist unsupervised visitation, especially if she thinks her child is in danger. Psychological evaluators who minimize the importance of violence against the mother, or pathologize her responses to it, may accuse her of alienating the children from the father and may recommend giving the father custody in spite of his history of violence.
Some professionals assume that accusations of physical or sexual abuse of children that arise during divorce or custody disputes are likely to be false, but the empirical research to date shows no such increase in false reporting at that time. In many instances, children are frightened about being alone with a father they have seen use violence towards their mother or a father who has abused them. Sometimes children make it clear to the court that they wish to remain with the mother because they are afraid of the father, but their wishes are ignored.
Research indicates that high levels of continued conflict between separated and divorced parents hinders children's normal development. Some practitioners now believe that it may be better for children's development to restrict the father's access to them and avoid continued danger to both mothers and the children.
Table of Contents

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Amazing Reminder

A wonderful reminder of how children witness abuse and how those experiences stay with them a life time.  Fortunately this amazing man has taken those experiences and used his life to make things for others. I appreciate his comments about the shame someone feels when they are abused.

When I was a child, I often witnessed my father abuse my mother. Often, I would step in between them and ask him to stop.  I watched the same cycle repeat with my mother's future husbands and my father's future wife.  I vowed never to allow anyone to treat me that way.

When, I was 17, I called the police on my father after an altercation with my step mother. (Funny how I am still unable to identify my father as an abuser)  He disappeared for a couple a years and I was left with the responsibility of being my brother and sister's guardian and the relationship with my father was never really mended. 

Years later, I found myself in the same place as my mother and my 10 year old daughter was stepping in the middle. My abuser was different than my father.  He did not stop, he would tell my daughter to shut up, tell her it was all her fault, call her a whore just like her mother or throw something at her. It was wake up call that it was time to leave.

As the time has gone by since my escape. I have asked my daughter if she remembers bad times we experienced while living with her father. Her response was quite surprising.

"Mommy, I don't remember everyday, I only remember one year, you and dad did not fight on my birthday, once you dad went I field trip with me, and I love cheap Mexican food because we went there once and dad did not yell at you"

My daughter remembers those few moments of peace as a special occasion and the daily rage as normal..............And that is why a move forward.

I never point out what her father did to me, she is too young to deal with it.  Just as I can not identify my father as an abuser. She can not identify her father as an abuser. 

I can however explain to my daughter that no one should ever abuse her.  That she is a person and her feeling, dreams and desires are real and valid.  I can live today and demand respect from everyone that is apart of my life and I can easily discard those who harm me. 

Fortunately today, I am in an incredible relationship with a man that truly respects me and my children. She not only witnesses kindness and respect, she receives it.



http://www.upworthy.com/a-brave-fan-asks-patrick-stewart-a-question-he-doesnt-usually-get-and-is-given-a-beautiful-answer

Kind words are always appreciated!

Today is a little easier.

Today is a little easier.  I began my final separation 3 years ago today.  Since that time, I underwent constant attacks, a never ending smear campaign, I was cut off from all assets, my business and said good bye to life long friends and family.

I have spent 2 years in a court battle trying to protect my daughter, myself and my assets and the battle continues today.  His ability to manipulate the courts has cost me time and money. Each hearing his attorney would run the clock cross examining me about ridiculous accusations of my
un-stability, attempted suicide, wasteful spending, harassment and how I abused him.

Last month the court finally saw through the madness when my daughter was allowed to testify.  I have tried my best to shield my children from this and never considered allowing my children to be subjected to the asinine system known as "Family Court".  The courts have been used as tool by my ex to further his abuse, ridicule me publically and drain my resources.  I was fortunate my new attorney recognized the tactics after reading transcripts from the previous hearings and called it quickly. He refused to play "Groundhog Day" and did not waste time defending me. Instead, he allowed my daughter to testify. 

We were in court for my "Emergency Petition to Relocate". My daughter asked me to testify several times but, I told her no.  Her final request she explained to me that her father had a very good attorney and her father was determined to never let me leave the area with her. He had alienated me from most of the public with his aggressive smear campaign and I was struggling financially,  and socially. He would even smear my name with my daughter's friends parents, causing her to be alienated when she was in my care.  He continued to maintain control and would not let go.

My daughter, did not speak one ill word about either parent.  She simply told the judge, she wanted to live with me in a town three hundred miles from where she lived her whole life. Her positive attitude and the maturity of my 12 year old daughter demonstrated to the judge, in the midst of the insanity of all the divorce proceedings, someone was parenting correctly.  The judge granted me permission to move even after he heard the ridiculous lies about me. 

Today, I am living 300 miles from my ex.  He still uses visitation, child support and my daughters basic needs to provoke me. Fortunately, I can turn my head and look the other direction.  My daughter and I have settled into a peaceful routine.  She has friends and they are allowed to visit, she attends a school and no one knows of her parents divorce and she finally has found her peace in the madness.

I am getting stronger by the minute.  I am reconnecting with the person, I once was, before he entered my life.  I am still working towards my final hearing and obtaining what is rightfully mine. Sometimes, I consider walking away from everything I built over the last 13 years but, today he withholds basic necessities from my daughter to provoke me. Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever change. So, I have no choice but to move forward and fight for what my daughter rightly deserves. Hopefully then, I will be able to provide for my daughter, he will no longer have control.



***"Groundhog Day -  Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, an arrogant and egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman who, during a hated assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, finds himself in a time loop, repeating the same day again and again.

Recovery From A Sociopath: Establishing Healthy Boundaries

by Quinn Pierce



“But, I don’t understand, what does he do?”

And this is usually where the conversation falls apart.

There is no easy way to describe the behavior that sends me and my children into a post-traumatic tail-spin.

How do you explain to someone that you can just feel when someone is angry or disappointed with you?  Or, what it’s like when just being around someone makes you feel self-conscious, insecure…small.

Obstacles on the Healing Path

When I’m faced with this type of skepticism, I have two reactions: frustration that I have to try to convince people that the abuse, and subsequently, the post-traumatic stresses are real and jealousy that the person asking the question can remain so blissfully unaware of the evil around them.

Of course, it could be that others choose to live in denial of this evil, but that does not help my children or me heal. Regardless of the reasons for their disbelief, the outcome is the same: they are blocking my way on this healing path.  If I pull over to engage in such conversations at every turn, I will inevitably suffer some damage to my mental health and well-being.  So, instead, I choose to go around them and watch as other people’s opinions and uninformed advice fade in the rear-view mirror.

Mixed Messages

Over the past few years, some friends and family members have continued to profess their support of my decision and denounce my ex-husbands behaviors, but at the same time, have continued to interact with him on a social level.  This was extremely confusing and hurtful to me for a long time.  But I have learned that not many people are capable of taking a stance on a situation, because they do not want to be alienated or put in the uncomfortable position of letting someone know how they really feel.  Sociopaths seem to know this and use it to their advantage.

Usually, I hear the excuse that I didn’t reach out to anyone, or I never talked about the situation while my ex-husband did.  This tendency to remain private about my situation has been interpreted as a sign of guilt and/or remorse over my decisions.  The most irritating excuse family members use is ‘doing what’s best for the children’.  They don’t want my children to feel left out or upset, so they continue their relationship with my ex so that they can continue to include my boys.  For some reason, the people who claim to support me feel they know what’s best for my children, even if it’s the exact opposite of what I have explained is best for my children.

For a long time, this was very confusing to my boys.  They know their father is harmful, but people that I have taught them to trust are continuing to interact with him.  I didn’t have the strength at first to fight so many different battles as I tried to protect my sons from their dad, but eventually, it all came into focus and I finally made a clear and final statement about what I expected and what I would allow when it came to interaction with my children.  That definitive boundary-setting exercise quickly showed me who I needed to avoid on my new path.  Sadly, my ‘no contact’ list grows longer every week.

Identifying Healthy Relationships

The truth is, no matter how you present yourself to the world, it will be overshadowed by how a rejected sociopathic partner presents you to the world.  The trick is finding those who see through the jaded version and saying goodbye to the others, no matter how much it hurts.  And it does hurt to learn you can’t rely on or trust certain people you were once very close with.

But it makes my parenting role much easier.  I am no longer sending mixed signals to my children.  I am teaching them it is not ok to make excuses for others; just because someone says they love you, doesn’t mean they can ignore your feelings to make themselves feel better.  And most important, I am showing them how to respect themselves and not allow people into their lives who don’t respect them.

By setting this example, I am taking steps to make myself stronger, too.  I should not have to explain how someone abused me.  I should not have to try to convince someone that my decisions were best for my children.  And I should not have to continue asking for support and respect from people who have claimed to give me both.

I didn’t realize, until recently, that the continued action of trying to explain, convince, excuse, rationalize, and all the other futile efforts to maintain relationships with my so-called supporters causes me a great deal of anxiety and attacks my self-esteem.

Taking Control of My Own Emotional Healing

I’m so very tired of feeling like I’m being dismissed from a conversation before I finish speaking.  Every time I allow people to do this to me, I am giving them permission to doubt or belittle my experience and lessen my value in the relationship.  So, ultimately, I am recreating abusive and unhealthy relationships all around me.

Which leads me to wonder: Why do I keep allowing this to happen?

I’m sure the answer has something to do with my own insecurity and all the practice I had during my marriage to a psychologically and emotionally abusive sociopath.  And the only way I can see to make the changes I need to be healthy is to practice these new boundaries and remind myself that I want to set an example for my boys.

So, now I will use these triggers as a guide.  If someone asks me to explain the situation I was in so that they can ‘understand’ why it was abusive, this is not someone who deserves my respect, because they are not respecting me.  Never again will I engage in relaying the intimate details of my life for someone else’s verification or entertainment.

The Real Question

What someone does to hurt another person should not be the question from someone who cares about you.

The question should be: What can I do to support you as you heal?

http://www.lovefraud.com

Narcissists Are Not Accountable

I found this site and it reminds me of my ex.  He would often say "My only mistake in life was being born"

Who me? I didn’t do it!  

Published on August 19, 2013 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love       

Lack of accountability is a pet peeve for sure, and also a common problem with narcissists. Although there are many disturbing factors in the personality of a narcissist, this one is tough to deal with in any relationship. It’s hard to understand. What is so difficult about owning up to mistakes when we’re wrong?

Have you ever met a perfect person who has never made a mistake? How about a perfect parent or a perfect family? I don’t think so. We all make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from each one. Every failure becomes a significant stepping-stone for huge growth leaps in life if that is your worldview and you allow it to happen. 

See All Stories In

How to Spot a Narcissist

Welcome to the contradictory universe of narcissism.

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But, being accountable is difficult for a fragile self-esteem. For the narcissist, who has not developed a solid sense of self, and is emotionally stuck at a six-year old level, confrontation does not work well. In fact, when confronted, it is typical to see a six-year old temper tantrum that we call narcissistic rage.

Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others. This is their way to make themselves feel bigger and better. Jealousy is common but they project it to say others are jealous of them. It makes your head spin. For those raised by narcissistic parents, it is truly crazy making.

Is this generational as some say? Can we really divide it into Gen X, baby boomer, millennial or others? Is the definition of narcissism really so shallow that it is just about “image” and people thinking they are “all that?” No. From my research and clinical experience, I find narcissism to be a deep disorder that causes great harm in relationships and can be found in any generation or age group. Of course being image oriented and “all about me” is a part of it, but the cornerstone of narcissism is lack of empathy. This is what causes harm to children, crimes against others, lack of accountability, and makes the disorder difficult to treat in therapy. It’s also why children raised by narcissists usually have little luck confronting their parents about childhood harm or problems in their upbringing. The true narcissist will not hear it. They can’t be accountable or provide empathy. They instead deny, say they don’t remember, or make you the one who is wrong for approaching the subject.

Really, who cares if some one wants to be image oriented or all about themselves if they have empathy? They might be annoying to be around or grandiose in their thinking, but if they have empathy and can care about others… this is not narcissism.

Let’s get to the heart of the matter and not discount the true significance of narcissistic behavior. If someone thinks they are hot stuff or are overly concerned about how they appear to others, that’s their problem. Who cares? What I care about is how narcissism hurts children. That’s where it all begins and then unwittingly gets passed from one generation to another. This is where the real harm lies. We see it in every age group and every generation. I call it the “legacy of distorted love.”
If relationships and good parenting matter, then empathy and deep care for others is important. Accountability must be practiced. Being human and growing from our many mistakes is what builds the foundation to a solid sense of self. Every generation can benefit in this journey.

Additional Resources
Website: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com
Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book
Book Audio:http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book
Workshop: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Virtual Workshop. Online workshop in the privacy of your own home, complete with video presentations and homework assignments: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/workshop-overview-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride
Daughter Intensives: One on one sessions with Dr. McBride. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/daughter-intensives
“Is this your Mom?” Survey: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom
Shop online: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/shop-online
Meet up recovery groups: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/meetup-groups

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG TO GET OVER A PATHOLOGICAL PARTNER?

 

by Peace

Relationships with psychopaths take an unusually long time to recover from. Survivors often find themselves frustrated because they haven't healed as fast as they'd like. They also end up dealing with friends & therapists who give them judgmental advice about how it's "time to move on".

 Whether you were in a long-term marriage or a quick summer fling, the recovery process will be the same when it comes to a psychopathic encounter. It takes at least 18-24 months to get your heart back in a good place, and even after that, you might have tough days. I certainly do!

 The important thing here is to stop blaming yourself. Stop wishing it would go faster. Stop thinking that the psychopath somehow "wins" if you're still hurting. They are out of the picture now. This journey is about you. If you come to peace with the extended timeline, you'll find this experience a lot more pleasant. You can settle in, make some friends, and get cozy with this whole recovery thing.

 

 So why is it taking so long?

 

 You were in love

Yes, it was manufactured love. Yes, your personality was mirrored and your dreams manipulated. But you were in love. It's the strongest human emotion & bond in the world, and you felt it with all your heart. It is always painful to lose someone you loved - someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life.  

 The human spirit must heal from these love losses. Regardless of your abuser's intentions, your love was still very real. It will take a great deal of time and hope to pull yourself out of the standard post-breakup depression.

 

 You were in desperate love
Here's where we branch off from regular breakups. Psychopaths manufacture desperation & desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life. 

 In the idealization phase, they showered you with attention, gifts, letters, and compliments. Unlike most honeymoon phases, they actually pretended to be exactly like you in every way. Everything you did was perfect to them. This put you on Cloud 9, preparing you for the identity erosion.

 

 You began to pick up on all sorts of hints that you might be replaced at any time. This encouraged your racing thoughts, ensuring that this person was on your mind every second of the day. This unhinged, unpredictable lifestyle is what psychopaths hope to create with their lies, gas-lighting, and triangulation.

 

 By keeping them on your mind at all times, you fall into a state of desperate love. This is unhealthy, and not a sign that the person you feel so strongly about is actually worthy of your love. Your mind convinces you that if you feel so powerfully, then they must be the only person who will ever make you feel that way. And when you lose that person, your world completely falls apart. You enter a state of panic & devastation.

 

 

 The Chemical Reaction
Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval.
By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place your self worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person's opinion on you.

 

Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain - dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good. 

 Like a drug, the psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.

 Triangulation
There are thousands of support groups for survivors of infidelity. It leaves long-lasting insecurities and feelings of never being good enough. It leaves you constantly comparing yourself to others. That pain alone takes many people out there years to recover from.
Now compare that to the psychopath's triangulation. Not only do they cheat on you - they happily wave it in your face. They brag about it, trying to prove how happy they are with your replacement. They carry none of the usual shame & guilt that comes with cheating. They are thrilled to be posting pictures and telling their friends how happy they are. 

 I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally damaging this is after once being the target of their idealization. The triangulation alone will take so much time to heal from.

 

 You have encountered pure evil
Everything you once understood about people did not apply to this person. During the relationship, you tried to be compassionate, easy-going, and forgiving. You never could have known that the person you loved was actively using these things against you. It just doesn't make any sense. No typical person is ready to expect that, and so we spend our time projecting a normal human conscience onto them, trying to explain away their inexplicable behavior. 

 But once we discover psychopathy, sociopathy, or narcissism, that's when everything starts to change. We begin to feel disgusted - horrified that we let this darkness into our lives. Everything clicks and falls into place. All of the "accidental" or "insensitive" behavior finally makes sense.

 

 You try to explain this to friends and family members - no one really seems to get it. This is why validation matters. When you come together with others who have experienced the same thing as you, you discover you were not crazy. You were not alone in this inhuman experience.

 

 It takes a great deal of time to come to terms with this personality disorder. You end up having to let go of your past understanding of human nature, and building it back up from scratch. You realize that people are not always inherently good. You begin to feel paranoid, hyper-vigialant, and anxious. The healing process is about learning to balance this new state of awareness with your once trusting spirit.

 

 Your spirit is deeply wounded
After the eventual abandonment, most survivors end up feeling a kind of emptiness that cannot even be described as depression. It's like your spirit has completely gone away. You feel numb to everything and everyone around you. The things that once made you happy now make you feel absolutely nothing at all. You worry that your encounter with this monster has destroyed your ability to empathize, feel and care. 

 I believe this is what takes the longest time to recover from. It feels hopeless at first, but your spirit is always with you. Damaged, for sure, but never gone. As you begin to discover self-respect & boundaries, it slowly starts to find its voice again. It feels safe opening up, peeking out randomly to say hello. You will find yourself grateful to be crying again, happy that your emotions seem to be returning. This is great, and it will start to become more and more consistent.

 

 Ultimately, you will leave this experience with an unexpected wisdom about the people around you. Your spirit will return stronger than ever before, refusing to be treated that way again. You may encounter toxic people throughout your life, but you won't let them stay for very long. You don't have time for mind games & manipulation. You seek out kind, honest, and compassionate individuals. You know you deserve nothing less.

 

 This new found strength is the greatest gift of the psychopathic experience. And it is worth every second of the recovery process, because it will serve you for the rest of your life.

If you're worried that your recovery process is taking too long, please stop worrying. You've been through hell and back - there is no quick fix for that. And what's more, when all is said and done, these few years will be some of the most important years of your life.

from this fantastic site

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/08/why-does-it-take-so-long-to-get-over.html