Can People with Personality Disorders Have Healthy Relationships?

Stop Walking on Eggshells

When someone in your life has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.

by Randi Kreger

Compare your high conflict relationship to the test

Published on September 5, 2012 by Randi Kreger in Stop Walking on Eggshells

I wrote something sparked by a comment someone made about not knowing what a normal relationship is, and thought I would share it here. A "high conflict person" means someone with BPD/NPD who is not the conventional help-seeking kind, but the high functioning, abusive kind. A high conflict relationship relationship" means you and the person who has traits of BPD/NPD.
What is a “Normal” Relationship?
Graham: I don’t know what normal is. You mean my wife is not supposed to rage at me in front of the kids, criticize and degrade me, spend all of our money and then some, love me, hate me, need drama, live crisis to crisis, threaten suicide, control everything, blame me for everything wrong in her/our life, and put me and our kids in no-win situations? That was all I knew for over a decade.  I just wondered which partner in other relationships who was the blamer and rager and which one was like me.

You may not know what normal is. You may have grown up in households with unhealthy models—sometimes even abuse. So before talk about the high conflict relationship, let’s take a look at what defines a healthy relationship and compare and contrast it with your current relationship. Of course, no relationship is perfect. But it’s helpful to know where you stand and what you’re shooting for.
Traits of Healthy Relationships
A list of what makes for a good relationship could be quite lengthy and might differ from couple to couple. But here are some characteristics mentioned over and over by marital therapists. Ask yourself what’s important to you and whether or not your current relationship meets your needs on a scale of 0 (not there at all) to 5 (high).  This isn’t a quiz; just something for you to think about as you look at the whole relationship.
___Respect for Each Other: In a healthy relationship, couples need to make compromises. But neither partner should ask the other one to change things about themselves central to who they are or what they want out of life. Respect is also about treating each other in the way you’d like to be treated, even when you’re angry and frustrated. Other signs of respect include caring about the things that are important to your mate and recognizing that differences are OK.
___Support and Empathy: In a healthy relationship, partners are there for each other with warmth and affection through both good times and bad. Even when their opinions differ, supportive spouses try to see things from their partner’s point of view. Without keeping track on paper and pencil, people in workable marriages attempt to be there equally for each other. Otherwise, partners can get burned out.
___Communication and Sharing: Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. The ability to share your thoughts, feelings and desires in an open and honest way are essential to the level of intimacy and connectedness the two of you share. People are not born knowing how to best communicate and send the right non-verbal signals. It’s a skill that can be learned like any other—if the two people are willing to learn.
___Mutual Trust, Honesty, and Fidelity: Honesty leads to trust, which leads to feelings of safety, probably the most important ingredients in a happy marriage. Trust paves the way for the confidence to share your feelings, emotions, and self with someone else. When someone lies to us, it erodes trust and drives a wedge between the two people in the relationship. Because trust provides the foundation for nearly all relationships, the bond is threatened.
___Enjoying Time Together and Time Apart: Couples also need space for other friends, their own interests, and private time alone. This shouldn’t be threatening to well-adjusted partners—after all, they’ll want some time to themselves, too. When people don’t have enough of their own space, they begin to feel trapped and suffocated. HCPS tend to be enmeshed.
___Fairness/Equality: Relationships marred by power and control struggles lose their intimacy because you can’t afford to be vulnerable with someone who might use it against you. When one or both of you are enmeshed in a power struggle, the simplest decisions (e.g. where should we go to dinner?) become fraught with angst and conflict. It often takes a therapist to unveil the real issues beneath the predictable fights.
___Connection/Intimacy: Emotional intimacy and connectedness happens when we feel loved, accepted, and safe to reveal who we really are, warts and all. The safer we feel, the more we’re willing to share. The rewards are great; it helps us get to know ourselves and it may be the closest we can get to another person in our trip on planet Earth. It is the essence of being loved.
___A Mutually Rewarding Sex Life: The sexual relationship works well and is satisfying for the both of you. This may mean striking compromises about frequency of sex, who initiates, and so forth. Neither partner should try to force the other to do what is beyond their comfort level—although it’s also a good practice to try new things you and your partner might enjoy.
What is a High Conflict Relationship?
These are some BPD/NPD survival strategies. Consider how they might affect whether you and your partner can have a healthy relationship. High conflict behaviors vary in its effect on you by:

• The frequency of these behaviors: the more frequent, the more hurtful
• The intensity of the behaviors: the more intense, the more upsetting they are
• The length of time you’ve been exposed to these behaviors: the longer you’ve been exposed to them, the more they will wound you
• Your vulnerabilities and general make up: when you’ve grown up in an abusive environment, HCP behaviors seem “normal” and you’re more likely to put up with them

HCPs need others to fill their emptiness by:

•  Making them feel special
•  Carrying their shame
•  Waking you up in the middle of the night
•  Eliciting narcissistic supply
•  Making you part of their identity
•  Pulling you toward them and then pushing them away
•  Demanding exaggerated attention and admiration
•  Demanding unreasonable things
•  Pushing your limits in a test to see how much you love them

They need to feel good about themselves by:

• Blaming and criticizing you
• Considering you inferior to them
• Idealizing you, then pushing you off a pedestal
• Going along with their fantasies
• Projecting their unwanted parts onto you
• Trying to make you absorb their negative emotions
• Raging at you
• Character assassination
• Embarrassing you in public
• Being demeaning
• Turning children against you
• Telling lies about you to friends and family
• Always being right

Grant: Alicia would say I was her soulmate and the man she had searched for all her life and praise me for my great intelligence, wit, charm, and accomplishments. Then she would find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked at her, denigrate my profession as a lawyer, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, was a poor provider, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.
They need to control their environment by controlling you, such as:

•  Using emotional blackmail, especially fear, obligation and guilt
•  Keeping track of your movements
•  Putting you in no-win situations
•  Isolating you from your friends and family
•  Making threats to leave if they don’t get their way
•  Calling the police with false accusations
•  Breaking up with you and getting back together
•  Creating constant chaos
•  Insisting you believe their lies
•  Taking advantage of you
•  Monitoring your computer usage
•  Withholding sex and affection
•  Forcing or intimidating you to have sexual activities
•  Giving you the silent treatment
•  Pressuring you to behaving as they want you to
•  Threatening to hurt pets or taking your children away
•  Expecting you to ask permission
•  Acting extremely jealous
•  Riding over your boundaries
•  Not respecting your privacy
•  Pushing you, poking you, slapping you or other physical abuse

Jo: My friend asked me if I wanted to go on a cruise with her this summer. I was so excited! When I said I’d go, I assumed that Lew would be happy for me since I was so thrilled about it. He didn’t say a whole lot and just got really quiet and kind of sulky. I pressed for what was the matter.

Finally he said he was upset because I would actually even consider going on such a trip without him.  How could I say that I cared about him and then go away on vacation with a friend?  Since he didn’t have the money to do it, then I shouldn’t be spending my money that way either. If I have extra money then we should be saving it for our future, not going on a trip by myself. 
He just about freaked out in his room, and started pulling his clothes out of the closet, saying how he doesn’t even have decent clothes that fit him. He put on this one shirt and showed me how the sleeves were too short, so he always has to wear them rolled up. He pretty much tore that shirt off, and then ripped it up and threw it in the trash can. Finally I said I would stay.

Therapy can only work when the client is bothered by their symptoms and takes responsibility for solving them. Narcissists rarely take any personal responsibility--they have an amazing ability to rationalize their problems or blame them on someone or something else.
As one of the commenters said below:
One way to help parse these relationships and think about them(whether they be a friend, spouse, etc) is to ask yourself two questions:
How does this person add value to my life?
How does this person subtract value to my life?
If one value's living a high quality of life over the long haul then one will have to practice discretion in with whom they associate with or continue to associate with. This includes spouses.
If people continually subtract value to your life, over the long term, them it is time to assess whether they are worth having in your life.
 It's up to you.

Meredith Baxter: Domestic violence does not discriminate

By The Darien Times on June 4, 2012 in Happenings, News · 0 Comments

Luncheon co-chairman Peggy Brown of Darien, left, with Meredith Baxter and Jim Brown of Darien

Being famous and financially secure doesn’t protect you from abuse and it doesn’t make it easier to leave an abusive relationship, actress Meredith Baxter recently told a crowd of nearly 500 people gathered to support the Domestic Violence Crisis Center at its 10th annual Voices of Courage fundraiser.
“I will tell you that being a well-known person and seemingly independent and successful in my chosen field was no defense against treatment at home and it couldn’t touch the shameful feelings that engulfed everything,” she said. “I was trying to not know what I knew. I couldn’t acknowledge that I was in an abusive marriage because that would have required action, and I was too afraid.”

• In her keynote speech, Baxter described how she had grown up in an atmosphere devoid of love and nurturing support and how that pattern had continued into her adult relationships.No one, not even her fellow cast members in the long-running TV series "Family Ties," knew of the abuse she and her children endured during her 15-year marriage to David Birney.

“I was a secret keeper. I was warned that what went on in our house stayed in our house, and I never told anyone. I was too ashamed,” she said.

Baxter revealed that the threat of physical abuse was always present, even though it didn’t actually happen that often. But the verbal and emotional abuse rarely abated.

“It was the constant stream of insults and name-calling and vilification that left the deepest scars,” she told the audience. “The effect of being on the receiving end of verbal abuse must not be minimized. I remember reading that even women of strong fiber and with a great sense of self-worth can be ground to dust by the corrosive effect of constant vitriolic, demeaning, belittling attacks. For me, the words cut far deeper than the slaps.”

Acknowledging that leaving an abusive relationship can be very difficult for many reasons, Baxter urged
ongoing support for those who assist victims of domestic violence.

“Not everybody can get out of damaging relationships easily, and circumstances differ for all of us,” she said.
“That’s why it’s imperative that we support places like the DVCC. In difficult economic times, domestic violence crisis needs become even greater. With almost 4,000 people being served by the DVCC every year, you can see that the need for your support is more urgent than ever.”

Baxter’s talk followed 15 current and former clients of the DVCC who lent their voices and words to an audio presentation on the power of using one’s voice to speak up against abuse and on how the DVCC helped them to do so.

The 10th annual Voices of Courage Spring Luncheon, held May 3 at the Stamford Marriott Hotel, raised over $150,000 for the DVCC that will go toward providing essential services for victims and their children.
The DVCC offers confidential services at no charge, including court and legal services, group and individual counseling, temporary shelter, housing services, children’s services, medical advocacy, multilingual services, the PeaceWorks prevention education project, community education, a 24-hour hotline (1-888-774-2900) and EsperanzaCT, a Spanish language website and 24-hour service line.

DVCC is the only domestic violence agency serving the communities of Stamford, Norwalk, Westport, Darien, New Canaan, Wilton and Weston.
In fiscal year 2010-11, DVCC provided shelter and counseling services to 3,860 unduplicated victims of domestic violence, and PeaceWorks provided awareness programs to 21,771 students and conducted workshops, trainings and awareness events for 3,098 adults.
For more information call 203-588-9100 or visit dvccct.org.

A Gradual, Excruciating Descent Into Domestic Violence

FILED UNDER: Personal Health, domestic violence, women's health

Guest Contributor
At 44, Karin had a successful career and three nearly-grown children. Then, in 2004, she began a relationship that at first felt dreamy but slowly deteriorated. Eventually, Karin found herself in a position she never imagined: as the victim of domestic violence. Initially, her partner seemed lovely. He was a respected member of her community, well known for his dedication to volunteer work and he was amazingly attentive and romantic. Over time, though, the relationship changed. It was a gradual progression spanning four years, starting with emotional and psychological abuse, and eventually escalating to physical abuse.

Here, Karin bravely shares her story of surviving domestic violence. http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2012/10/a-gradual-excruciating-descent-into-domestic-violence-


It’s a narrative that illustrates how insidious this process can be, and how difficult it is to get out of such relationships. As a survivor, Karin has struggled with her own shame and the guilt she feels for exposing her children to this situation. Today, after a lot of hard work and self-reflection, Karin feels stronger than ever. “I was determined to come out of this kicking,” she said. “And I have.” She has a great job and volunteers for a domestic violence prevention organization; her grown children are doing well and she is newly married. Karin’s story is a reminder that this could happen to any of us, and underscores the importance of trusting your own instinct about what feels right and what feels wrong in a relationship.

Karin was earning six figures and living in a wealthy Boston suburb when she became the victim of domestic abuse.

Domestic violence, defined by the United States Department of Justice “as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner” permeates our culture. It is estimated that at least 1 in 4 women in the United states will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and while both men and women can be targeted, the victim is female 85-95% of the time. Domestic violence occurs across all races, ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, sexual orientations and religions. Abuse, based on fear and intimidation, can be physical, emotional, psychological, economic, and/or sexual. On a societal level, the costs of domestic violence are tremendous. Health related costs alone are estimated to exceed $5.8 billion annually. As in Karin’s case, domestic violence typically escalates over time. Homicide is often the end result. It is believed that 33% of all female murder victims are killed by in intimate partner. For the most part, these homicides are predictable and preventable. By educating ourselves about the issue, we can all become a part of the solution.
Most importantly, Karin wants everyone to know that resources are available. If you have any concerns, seek help.
For information, services and help for yourself or someone you care about:

The Domestic Violence Services Network, Inc. www.dvsn.org 1-888-399-6111
1-877-785-2020 is a 24-hour, free and confidential multi-lingual domestic violence hotline in Massachusetts
To find the domestic violence program nearest you outside of Massachusetts, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233).
To learn more about domestic violence and sexual assault, visit
http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm
http://www.janedoe.org/learn_more/what_is_dv#What_abuse.
To find programs that help people who abuse/control their partners, visit http://www.janedoe.org/know/know_resources.htm.

(Dr. Annie Brewster is a Boston internist who became interested in storytelling as a way to promote healing among patients. You can hear more of her stories here, here and here, as part of our Listening To Patients series.)

About the author

Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships?

From an outsider’s point of view, it is nearly impossible to fathom why a woman might return to an abusive relationship. While it seems logical that a woman would maintain her independence after going through the trouble of leaving an abusive relationship, there are many things that might also compel her to return. Fear is one of the primary reasons that women return to abusive relationships.
Often, abusive men step up their threatening and manipulative behavior right after their victims choose to leave. As a result, many women come to fear more severe abuse if they refuse to return to their abusers. The situation becomes even more complicated when there are children involved, as many women return to abusive relationships in the belief that doing so is the only way to protect their children. Many women try to act as human shields, sacrificing themselves to stop abusive mates from harming their children.
Sometimes, the abuser may play on the woman’s love for her children, convincing her that she cannot support them alone. The abuser may also play on the woman’s desire for her children to have a father, convincing her to return to him. Even when women maintain their commitment to leaving abusive relationships, the legal system sometimes fails them by failing to grant restraining orders or by giving the batterers custody of the children.
Sometimes, as a result of abuse, a woman’s self-esteem is so damaged that she lacks the confidence to maintain independence from her abuser. Often, women who leave abusive relationships have trouble earning an adequate income or finding safe and affordable housing. Women may feel compelled to return to abusive relationships because they lack resources and support.
Sometimes, an abused woman's own family members and friends place the blame on her, perhaps because they assume that she somehow caused the abuse. In some cases, the woman's family and friends may act as if the abuse is bearable or deny its existence altogether. If the abused woman is married, friends and family may try to talk her out of divorce, often citing religious reasons.
In some cases, women return to abusive relationships because they feel sorry for their abusers. A common tactic batterers use to control their mates is threatening to commit suicide. This may lead the victim to feel both guilty and worried, and she may return to the relationship to save the abuser. Just as often, batterers are able to convince their victims that they love them and are committed to changing. Believing the batterers and hoping for real change, some women return to these abusive relationships.
According to statistics, the average abused woman leaves her abuser seven to eight times before she leaves permanently. Victims of abuse often live in a state of fear, confusion, and overwhelming sadness. To make a successful and permanent separation from an abuser, a woman needs support and easy access to organizations dedicated to aiding victims of abuse. With this support and the understanding that the abuse will continue if they return, many abused women are able to leave abusive relationships permanently.

YOUR MOTHER IS A HEROIN ADDICT

Living with sociopath is like visiting a haunted house.  You never know what is around the next corner. Everything is calm and quiet for a second and then boom. The crazy person comes home and turns your world upside down. 

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with an ovarian tumor and was scheduled to have a full hysterectomy. One day prior to surgery the kids were watching TV and I was in the kitchen making dinner. My Ex came home and out of the blue announced the following.

Ex: Hey Kids, Did you know your mother is an heroin addict.

Me: Why would you say such a thing, I have never and would never do anything like that.

Ex: BS you did it when you gave birth to your daughter.

Me: I did not, why are you saying these things?

Ex: Yes you did, you were on that morphine pump for days and morphine is heroin.  You are just having surgery now so you can ride the white horse.

Ex: Kids, your mother is a heroin addict and she is going to the hospital to ride the white horse.

At this point, I knew defending myself further would just cause the situation to escalate.  So I did what any mother accused of such a horrible act.  I refused morphine after my surgery.  The doctor's told me it was not a good idea and other pain medicine could have adverse reactions.  I still declined the morphine and the the pain killers prescribed after surgery caused violent bouts of vomiting and extreme itching.  The vomiting was very painful after major abdominal surgery but, I could honestly say I did not do heroin and my kids would know their mother was not a heroin addict.

I was watching a movie last night with my kids that reminded me of this.  In the movie a mom was rushed into emergency surgery just as I was when my daughter was born.  The anesthesia was administered through my epidural and it caused a nerve to pinch in my leg.  After surgery I remained in the hospital for 4 days.

The memories of that time with him and the hateful things he did brought tears to my eyes.  Today it reminds me of his sickness and how grateful I am to be free. His outlandish lies he would tell my children to hurt me were just another thing he did to control me.  They were used to under mind my children's belief in me, cause me pain and suffering.  THESE ARE NOT ACTIONS OF A LOVING FATHER AND HUSBAND. THEY ARE ABUSE!

Help! I'm Divorcing a Narcissist

The narcissist does not get over it already!

Published on March 29, 2012 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love

There's a common concept that seems to run rampant in the community of divorce professionals. It is coined "high conflict couple" or "high conflict divorce." The thinking usually involves a belief that these difficult post-divorce custody battles displaying constant conflict are because both parents involved are just a bit crazy...or a lot crazy. Michael Friedman wrote an article for The American Journal of Family Therapy to discuss a closer look at this notion. He stated, "The concept has even entered into what might be called family court folk wisdom: we say that Mother Theresa does not marry Attila the Hun or that it takes two to tango."  While there is some truth that who we marry reflects our own emotional development, there is also a different and more complicated flavor involved when one is drawn into a narcissist's world.

Related Articles

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• Don't be Passive When Divorcing High Conflict Partners
• Narcissism and Entitlement: "Do I Have to Stand in Line?
• Why Am I So Afraid of Being Alone?

 

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For instance, Mark and Marcy married. They had two children. Mark continually emotionally abused Marcy throughout the marriage as well as the children. He had no emotional connection to the children and they were not attached to him. Marcy was the psychological parent and always has been. Then Marcy decides enough is enough and files for divorce. Mark cannot believe it. He cannot imagine why she would abandon him and ruin his life. He is not aware or conscious of his bad behavior and feels entitled. He has excuses for everything and blames others for his actions. He is the victim now and his abandonment issues are triggered. Mark is used to exploiting others to meet his own needs and he is appalled that his manipulation no longer works. He cannot be accountable. So, Mark will never let Marcy live this down. His avenue for re-gaining power now is in creating massive chaos in the divorce process and using the children as pawns. Why use the children? This is what is truly important to Marcy. So everything in the divorce becomes about him. "These are my children, this is my money, I want my parenting time." The mother and children are saying...what the? He was never involved before...he has been mean to us...he usually ignores us...he doesn't really even know us. What do we do now and what is this about? (This example can play out in either gender.)
The common thinking is that those adults with children, who divorce and continue to battle post divorce, must both have major psychological issues. After all, who would do this to the children? These are the cases that exhibit increased tension, post parenting difficulties, and often need child family investigators and parent coordinators to determine parenting time.
But, enter the condition of narcissism. What if you married a narcissist who is all about what is good for him or her, rather than what is in the best interest of the children? The narcissist makes unrealistic demands, is not emotionally connected to the children, may be emotionally abusive or worse, but will fight to the end to gain revenge or fight in the interest of his/her own needs. The fight may be economically based, or more likely what is known as a narcissistic injury. That person will never get over or forget that you filed for divorce or abandoned them, and will continue to make life difficult for you and the children. What do you do?
Most parents I have worked with over the years, who have married a narcissist and are in the process of divorce, find themselves having to take a strong stance to protect their kids. They find they have to be involved in post-divorce assessments and battles and then are at risk of being assessed themselves as just one of those crazy "high-conflict" couples. The danger here is that the children's best interest may not be served if narcissism is not understood in the case. It is true that one person who is narcissistic can unilaterally cause serious conflict that causes the other parent to go into defense mode to protect themselves and the children. Given that emotional abuse is difficult to prove and not taken seriously by the courts in most states, the war is on in these cases where one parent is causing havoc and the other is just trying to defend and protect. But does this mean they are both psychologically disturbed in some way? Not always.
To reiterate, if you marry a narcissist and then divorce that person, the narcissist will not forgive and forget. They do not move on easily. They cling to "how could you abandon me or do this to me" and the anger lingers for long periods of time, sometimes years and years. To imagine that one could process through an amicable divorce with a narcissist and stay friends and co-parent in a reasonable manner is not realistic with narcissists. They do things such as excessively disparage the other parent, resort to making up unfair and untrue allegations, and do not want to financially support the children because that somehow means to them that they are giving money to their ex-spouse. Their entitlement needs get in the way of fairly dividing property and money and in the end they do not think of what is best for the child or children. They think about what is best for them! "It is my parenting time!" "You cannot have sporting events on my time!" "Your mother (or father) is taking all my money."
Because narcissists do not have the capacity for empathy and emotionally tuning into the needs of others, the children's emotional needs are not realized. Thriving on constant conflict is the narcissist's way to stay connected and fight for his or her own rights rather than consider what works for the children. In fact, being oblivious to the needs of the children is usually observed.
My concern is first for the children in these families, then for the spouse who married the narcissist who is also being seen as a conflict designer. The helping professionals in divorce cases need continued education on this issue. Without a deeper understanding, we are losing the opportunity to truly assist families going through the life changing and emotionally wrenching experience of divorce. Narcissism is a disorder that wreaks havoc in these families. If this is you, make sure your attorney is well informed. There will need to be professionals involved to assist in how to deal with the narcissist parent. It is advised that the children attend therapy with a professional who understands the dynamics of narcissism and how that affects children. Some parenting plans that reflect a good understanding of narcissistic parenting will be needed.
Why one would marry a narcissist is a no-brainer. They can be charming, enticing, engaging and easily put on a show in the beginning of relationships. They are out there for you to fall in love with. You will only know the reality as you get to know them better over a period of time. But if you decide to divorce, reach out for some specialized assistance! You and your kids are worth it.
Additional Resources:
Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/14391...
Audiobook: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/buy-the-book.php
Website: www.nevergoodenough.com and www.karylmcbridephd.com
Survey: Is This My Mom? Use this to assess if your parent has narcissistic traits. It is applicable for men as well. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/survey.php
Research: Interview You? http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/for-men.php
FB Parties for Adult Children of Narcissists: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride

The 9 Characteristics of Narcissism

The 9 Characteristics of Narcissism

by My Emotional Vampire on Tuesday, October 9, 2012 at 5:34pm ·

1.An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self importance that isn’t supported by reality. He/she believes that his/her priorities, interests, opinions and beliefs are better than or more important than others and as a result, they feel entitled to dominate and control those around them. He/she can even seem quite modest in public about these views, but usually at home these are evident.

2.A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, power, beauty or love. He/she lives more in a fantasy world of their own making than in reality of both successes and recognised failures.

3.A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people. He/she sees himself/herself as more special than others, whether it be more accomplished, more feeling, more giving, more ethical, more long suffering, more insightful, etc.

4.An intense need for admiration. When in conversation, he/she can’t listen attentively and will bring the conversation back around to him/her. Often partners of a Narcissist will refer to the one thing they have in common with their Narcissist partner is that they both love him/her.

5.A delusional sense of entitlement. He/she feels that rules, regulations and normal standards don’t apply to them, and also may find hard work, working toward a goal, illness and injury difficult to cope with, as they believe themselves to be above these kind of common things.

6.A tendency to exploit others without guilt and remorse. He/she is a “user” who may manipulate situations such that others end up doing all the work (and the Narcissist often gets the glory), or may end up losing their money. He/she will also promise things that they never deliver on.

7.An absence of meaningful empathy for others. This is almost a universal trait with all Narcissists. He/she is so caught up in their own grandiose fantasy life that they pay no real attention to others in any genuine way. In the courting stage, he/she will use “fake empathy”, but beyond this stage, partners of Narcissists feel completely unsupported and not understood

.8.A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others envy. He/she will be very envious if others close by have more than him/her, and will usually express this as contempt, distain and belittling towards them.

9.An arrogant attitude. He/she will often be judgemental and condescending toward anyone who they feel is not up to their high standards and will regularly “put down” others to bolster their own self esteem.

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD

If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Beginning with a description of how bonds form between victim and abuser, the article continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.

Introduction
People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they’ve thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me “I can’t believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!” A common reaction is “I can’t believe I did that!”
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the publicity, the emotional “bonding” with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

• Abused Children
• Battered/Abused Women
• Prisoners of War
• Cult Members
• Incest Victims
• Criminal Hostage Situations
• Concentration Camp Prisoners
• Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The “Stockholm Syndrome” reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing “Stockholm Syndrome” will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
It’s important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it’s easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
• Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors
• Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.
It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

• The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
• The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
• Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
• The perceived inability to escape the situation

By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:


If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Beginning with a description of how bonds form between victim and abuser, the article continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.


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Article Contents

• Introduction
  • Perceived Threat to One’s Physical/Psychological Survival
  • The “Small Kindness” Perception
  • Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
  • Perceived Inability to Escape
• Is There Something Else Involved?
• Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
• Family and Friends of the Victim
• Final Thoughts

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Perceived Threat to One’s Physical/Psychological Survival
The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.
Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as “I know people who can make others disappear”. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller — how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The “Small Kindness” Perception
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope — a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abuser’s benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.
In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn’t happen, that “small kindness” is interpreted as a positive sign.
Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a “soft side”. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past — how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a “victim”. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with “I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he’s troubled. He had a rough childhood!” Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, it’s almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food — now known as the “Twinkie Defense”. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While “sad stories” are always included in their apologies — after the abusive/controlling event — their behavior never changes! Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the “sad stories”, they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say “I’m beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!”
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always “walking on eggshells” — fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser’s perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.
Taking the abuser’s perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family — fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as “causing trouble” and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to “interfere” or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations — the victim quickly realizes it’s safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn’t work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.
In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault — they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to the victim’s safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, it’s easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one can’t escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships — locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common situations:

• Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they can’t pay alimony or child support due to their large car payments.
• The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has an income that is “under the table” or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
• The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victim’s personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victim’s support such as “I’ll see that you lose your job” or “I’ll have your automobile burned”.
• Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt — threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears “I’ll kill myself in front of the children”, “I’ll set myself on fire in the front yard”, or “Our children won’t have a father/mother if you leave me!”
• In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel “burned out” and too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice I’ve heard “I’d leave but I can’t even get money out of the savings account! I don’t know the PIN number.”
• In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with “trouble”. Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, “trouble” is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create “trouble” in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding “trouble”! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid “trouble”. In this situation, children who are noisy become “trouble”. Loved ones and friends are sources of “trouble” for the victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware of the situation — making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they don’t bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they don’t personally apologize for the situation — as though it was their fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response — Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as “cognitive dissonance”. As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.
“Cognitive Dissonance” explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation — few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance — the fact that our cognitions don’t match, agree, or make sense when combined. “Cognitive Dissonance” can be reduced by adding new cognitions — adding new thoughts and attitudes. Some examples:

• Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) “I’m smoking less than ten years ago”, 2) “I’m smoking low-tar cigarettes”, 3) “Those statistics are made up by the cancer industry conspiracy”, or 4) “Something’s got to get you anyway!” These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
• You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the expense and related issues with 1) “It’s great on trips” (you take one trip per year), 2) “I can use it to haul stuff” (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) “You can carry a lot of people in it” (95% of your trips are driver-only).
• Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You can’t leave due to the finances, children, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself “He only hits me open-handed” and “He’s had a lot of stress at work.”

Leon Festinger first coined the term “Cognitive Dissonance”. He had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that personal and emotional investment — they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. The moral: the more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with “I’ll get them next time”. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding — even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island — you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard! Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:
Emotional Investment
We’ve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.
Social Investment
We’ve got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.
Family Investments
If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.
Financial Investment
In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.
Lifestyle Investment
Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.
Intimacy Investment
We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in these situations.
In many cases, it’s not simply our feelings for an individual that keep us in an unhealthy relationship — it’s often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is “You just don’t understand!”
Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of “Stockholm Syndrome” and “cognitive dissonance” produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed “all their eggs in one basket”. The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.
Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate us, embarrass us, or drive us to drink. What might have begun as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.

Family and Friends of the Victim
When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a ‘Loser’ or controlling/abusive individual, the situation becomes emotionally painful and socially difficult for the family
While each situation is different, some general guidelines to consider are:

• Your loved one, the “victim” of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a choice — the relationship or the family. This choice is made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present in abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal and social consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return — whenever the return happens.
• Remember, the more you pressure the “victim” of the Loser/Abuser, the more you prove their point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship. Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence against you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with “You see! They just want to get you by yourself so they can tell you bad things about me!” Increasing your contacts is viewed as “putting pressure” on their relationship — not being lovingly concerned.
• Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talks — the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
• The 1980′s song, “Hold on Loosely”, may be the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding on too tightly produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, it’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don’t discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and loved ones are nearby and haven’t disappeared.
• Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one — holidays, special occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at “traditional” times — holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. — are not as threatening to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as threatening. An example might be a simple card reading “Just a note to let you know that your brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love, Mom and Dad”. This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family is there — waiting in the wings if needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts are on a traditional and expected basis. It’s also hard to be angry about brother’s new job without looking ridiculous. Also, don’t invent holidays or send a reminder that it’s Sigmund Freud’s birthday. That’s suspicious…even in my family.
• Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain contact while your loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the goal is contact, not pressure.
• Don’t feel the victim’s behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship — an attempt to avoid “trouble”.
• The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
• Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don’t jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such as “You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time you make it.” They may be exploring what support is available but may not be ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an “exit plan” that may take months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet ready for an exit.
• We can get messages to people in two ways — the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message that voices our understanding and support. We don’t send insults (“Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs (“If he doesn’t get out of this relationship he’ll end up crazy!) — we send messages of love and support. We send “I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support them.” Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Don’t talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we can’t. It’s another way of letting them know we’re supporting them, just waiting to help if and when needed.
• Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in the community. A family consultation with a mental health professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally complex or there is a significant danger of harm.
• As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind fills with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
• In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide some financial, insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and resentment tells us to cut off their support. I’ve heard “If she’s going to date that jerk, it’s not going to be in a car I’m paying for!” and “If he’s choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out of college and flip hamburgers!” Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we’re aggressive by threatening, withdrawing support, or pressuring — we become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually moves the victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an “ordeal” they experience, the more bonding takes place, as noted with both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
• As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also be active when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are punished if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article deals with individual relationships, the family guidelines may also be helpful in controlling-group situations.

Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.
If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the “dating” phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicate their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, it’s important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding — not as a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.
This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. Separately, I’ve outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, but clearly, there are more victims in this situation.
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/4/

My Story

Domestic Abuse Awareness

I have survived and escaped living with a sociopath for 12 years.  Sociopath was not a word in my vocabulary until a week ago but it is a word I wish, I had learned years ago.  Other words that describe similar behavior are narcissist and psychopath. I am not sure what is the correct one to describe my ex but I know their behavior patterns are very similar and a relationship with any of them is extremely toxic and damaging.

My story is not the typical story you would imagine.  I lived in a million dollar home on the water, I was the typical volunteer mom that spent her days hovering over her kids at school and sporting activities, I was active in the community and spent countless hours assisting others, I was a successful business partner with my ex-husband and appeared to have it all.  I have always been a strong willed, no nonsense person that overcame obstacles and tried my best to make the world around me a brighter place. 

Very few knew of the hell I lived daily at home. I only spoke to a few trusted friends about my torment and of course defended my ex with excuses like, “he is just under a lot of pressure”, “he is sick”, “he doesn’t mean what he says” and so on.  It went on like this for years until I woke up one day and felt my only way out was to be hit by a bus. At that point I realized “there is something fundamentally wrong with me to allow myself to be treated this way”.

This letter is a warning to others that lived like I did and my ongoing battle to escape. This is the warning I wish someone gave me.  I ask that you share it with everyone you know and not just those you suspect are being abused. Most people that are being abused will never share they are abused.  Most people have dealt with years of their abuse and have been made to feel it is their fault, if they did something different, it might stop.

The abused person feels that there is something fundamentally wrong with them because no normal human being let alone their husband and father of their children would annihilate someone of good character, a mother, a wife much less a human being on a daily basis. The abused is ashamed and feels it is their fault because that is what they have been conditioned to believe.

The alarming truth is that a sociopath is not a normal human being. They lack empathy, guilt and conscience.  They are the proverbial “Wolf in sheep’s clothing”. They are like a machine, they do not feel and their purpose is to control you.

I am not an educated person and am not qualified to make a diagnosis or do I encourage you to make a diagnoses on your fellow man.  I am simply a survivor and can tell you what I experienced. You may or may not be experiencing the same thing.  The sad thing is there is no cure for a sociopath.  There is no therapy or circumstances that will make a sociopath suddenly have empathy or feel guilt. The only cure is too escape as early as possible and the escape will probably be the most difficult thing you ever did. 

Mothers and wives don’t like to believe the man they invested their heart, life and future is an incurable monster. We fall into a trap believing that we can fix it.  If we complained less, if worked harder, if we made ourselves more attractive, if we spent less money, if we asked for less our husband will be happy and would not do these horrible things to us.  This is all a part of the cycle of abuse. Your only option to survive and protect your children is to escape.

Merriam- Webster defines a sociopath as: : someone who behaves in a dangerous or violent way towards other people and does not feel guilty about such behavior. This is a simple definition and to the point.  There are many other explanations and research available and I encourage you to research further.

Characteristics of a sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm
My ex would only talk about superficial things.  Usually whatever was discussed on Fox News that day. He was like a well-rehearsed talker of nonsense.  If someone brought up a new topic he would instantly become an expert of that. 


Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. My Ex would often say “My only regret in life was being born.” I still don’t understand that statement.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love
This is a hard one to grasp.  No one wants to believe that the father of their children can not love. Unfortunately it is true and eventually you will see he is not loving the kids but manipulating them to hurt you or gain a sense of accomplishment.

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, and no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. He would only choose friends that could benefit him, enlisting them to help in various projects or jobs. They were always loyal and dedicated to help him until he had a new friend and then he would discard them often owing them money.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. My Ex is irresponsible to the extreme. During our marriage I had to clean up after tax issues, lawsuits, judgements, tax liens, non-payments, etc. He would simply deny they exist or blame them on someone else.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. I rarely saw my ex actually work.  I worked 60-70 hours a week at our business and seemed to just walk around yelling at everyone about everything and tell people “This is all mine”; “I own this.” He continually made promises for the future, the eventual break I would have, my dreams I could live but when the opportunities came to bring them to fruition he would deny them. 

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.


ABUSE:
The following will describe how I was abused.  It started out with daily verbal abuse, then economic abuse and eventually violence.  I can honestly say the verbal abuse and economic control caused more harm than the random violence. 

VERBAL ABUSE:
My ex would accuse me most vile, cruel lies. Accused you of being crazy and twisted everything I would say. All of the following are abuse and there is no excuse that would make them ok. The longer, I endured it the more helpless I felt.

Mean Words:
 “You are damaged that is why your father left you and you were raped as a child.”
“You are lazy, you do nothing, I have to do everything in this house”
“You whore, who did you sleep with today?”
“You think you are perfect, you are not, you are crazy”
“You are just with me for my money and everyone sees it”
“I should have listened to everyone, they all told me you where a whore”
“You would have nothing without me”
“The kids hate you”
“Nobody likes you”
“Your work sucks”

Twist my words:
Me: “it really hurts when you say such mean things to me.”
Ex: “so you think you are perfect, you are always fxxxing perfect”

Me: “what time will you be home”
Ex: “what are you telling me, I don’t have a right to go out”

He would tell my children I was bad and did not care for them:
When I would come from work, he would yell out to the children.  “Look your drunk mother is home, she would rather be out drinking with loser strangers than be with you.”

When I had to put the dog to sleep he told my son. “Go with her and try and stop her from killing your dog”

Me: A stranger at the show gave our daughter and I tickets to the show because he date did not show up and he did not want them to go to waste.
Ex (directed to our daughter): Your mother must have slept with him, your mother is a whore.

Miser: He withheld basic necessities from me and our children while he indulged in extravagant things for himself.
At some point he told me he would now be in charge of meals because he felt my spending at the grocery store was out of control.
Me: What is for dinner?
Ex: God damn it, you always want spend money. What do you think it grown on trees.
Or
Ex:  God damn it, you just had lunch, no wonder you are so fat.

Me: “Our daughter needs to go to the hospital”
Ex: “$&^$*$^$%# she is fine you are just over reacting”
(I actually told him, I left something at the office and asked him to go get it, when he left, I took my daughter to the hospital and she was admitted for 5 days.)


Me: “The doctor said I have to have a colonoscopy”
Ex: “That is B$^*^$&*@^# , I would never spend $2,500 to stick something up my a$$”

Me: “Our daughter needs shoes”
Ex: “God damn it, she is fine, all you care about is spend, spend, spend. Before you, I had everything, now I have nothing”

Me: I accidentally pressed the cash key when ordering pizza on line.  Can I borrow $20 so the kids can eat?
Ex: You whore, all you care about is money. (At the top his lungs) Hey kids, your mother is a whore.


Gaslighting: ( I would recommend a little more research on this one, when I did, it described my daily life with my ex and I finally understood it was merely one of his tactics of abuse)
For those who don’t know what gaslighting is, it’s something our abusers do or say to make US think WE’RE the ones who are going insane. They say and do things to make us question our sanity, our memory of events, our boundaries, our values, and our beliefs. It’s when they says things like:

Ex: Hey honey, I think you need a break, Why don’t you go to lunch with your friends.
The following day-
Me: I am going to lunch with my friends
Ex: Fine go to lunch, drain the bank, you and your lunches are going to cause us to lose our home. All you think about is yourself. I should have listened to everyone, you are only with me for my money.

Other examples might be:
• “I never said that.” (when you KNOW they did and have a clear memory of it)
• “You’re imagining things.” (when you KNOW you’re not)
• “You’re always overreacting.” (when you’re reacting EXACTLY as any normal, well-adjusted person would react.
• “You’re such a drama queen.” (when HE is the one creating drama)
• “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” (when you know EXACTLY what you’re talking about)
• “You’re always accusing me of things.” (when, the reason you accuse him of things is because you KNOW he has lied or cheated)
• “You’re always so suspicious.” (when he has given you AMPLE reason to be)
• “What about all the sh*t you’ve done to ME?” (when you haven’t done a THING to him other than love him, appease him, cater to his every want and whim)

Kick me when I am down:
The day my grandmother passed away I came home after staying with her until her passing. I was exhausted and my heart was broken. 
Ex: How are you?
Me: I am hurt.
Ex: Did you know so and so is late on their rent again?
Me: No, and I don’t care right now.
Ex: That is just like you not care. You and your business is going to destroy us.  Your loser tenants and your loser property is going to make us lose our home and you don’t care.  What the f@@k is the matter with you.
Me: Please don’t, I just want to go to sleep and not think of the last 24 hours.
Ex: Fine you go to sleep and wake up with out a home. You are a ^$#*^%^%&*#^%&$^&. (And so on)
Me: Fine, I will go collect rent.

After, I just underwent major surgery. My ex came up to visit.
Ex: How are you?
Me: I am in pain.
Ex: I am watching the game. (He turns the TV up loud.)
Me: Please don’t put the game on, I need rest and there is recliners and a big screen in the ICU waiting room right next door.
Ex: Your are such a bitch. If I want to watch football, I am going to watch football.  I can’t believe you are telling me I can not watch football, every man in the world watches football and you are being a bitch.
Me: I did not say you could not watch football, I asked you to go next door and watch it.
Ex: F.U. I am watching it right here and there is nothing you can do about it.  No wonder everyone hates you.


Public Humiliation:
Often during dinner out or while working together he would find ways humiliate me.

Work:
Client: This looks good, I like it.
Me: Great let’s sign the contract.
Ex: Excuse me but, I think this is all wrong, it is a good thing I am here to find your mistakes.
Client: What, what is wrong? Maybe I should work more closely with you.
Ex: Probably a good idea, she is real good at putting things together but, you always need a man to finish the job.

Dinner Out:
Server: Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Me: Not sure, give us a moment?
Ex: Sure fine, order an appetizer, you don’t care about the family budget.  You just care about yourself. What is the matter with you?  I have to do everything while you just order appetizers and get drunk and leave me to take care of the kids.  Everyone was right about you, all you care about is money.
Me: Please don’t do this. Please not in public.
Ex: I am not doing a damn thing, it is you making a scene.  What the f@@k is the matter with you? F@@king drama, drama, drama. Thank god the kids have me, they would have nothing if they had to depend on you.
Me: Excuse me.
(This was a common scene, I would often say I was going to the restroom and then leave by walking home, calling a friend or finding a safe place for the night.)

Event Hell:
Before every special occasion my ex would say absolutely crazy lies to upset me so, whenever I arrived some place publicly, I would appear miserable, depressed or crazy.  I felt like he was purposely robbing me of a moment of happiness.  Then once we would arrive to where ever we were going he, would tell people, “I really love her but, she has serious issues and just can’t be happy”

Ex: Hey kids, did you know your mother hates your sister?
Daughter: Mommy, do you really hate sissy?
Me: I love sissy but, this is not an appropriate conversation, we are on our way to Uncle’s birthday.
Ex: Tell the kids why you hate sissy, tell them how you could hate sissy.  Kids, your mother is sick and she hates your sister. Someday she will hate you too.

Economic Abuse:
My abuser used economics to control me as well.  After being together 1 year, he forced me to go work for him. He said he needed me and no one else could do it. So, I quit my job and worked for him the next nine years.  The hours were long and he paid me $500 a week to sell over a million dollars in contracts a year. From that $500 he deducted the family health insurance premiums and required I buy groceries for our family of six and provide for the children. Whatever was left, I was permitted to keep.  After a year of paying me, he told me he was restructuring the company and my salary was cut. After some time of working without pay, I could not take it anymore. I left the company; I filed for unemployment, which gave me about $500 every 2 weeks from which, I was still required to buy groceries.  After a few months, he told me he was restructuring again and he needed me to come back to work.  I went back to work for the next 7 years with no compensation.  By controlling my finances he was able to control me and keep me dependent on him. This is abuse.  No one should be required to work with out compensation. In the past it was called slavery.

After a few years of no compensation, I opened my own business.  During this time it was a constant struggle with my ex.  He would often come to my business and yell at me publicly, he told my children I would rather be with stranger than them (even though my kids spent most days with me at my business). He forced me to use all income for household necessities making it difficult to keep inventory.  After 2 years of having my business he told me if I closed the doors we would sail away for a year with the kids. This being a lifelong dream, I took the bait and closed my business.

Needless to say the dream did not come to fruition and 6 months later he informed me.  He would no longer give me money for groceries or kids expenses.  If the kids or I needed something, he will provide what he sees is fit.  He also cut me off from charge account at the club because he felt I was spending too much time there. It was actually done to force me to ask him for food. Needless to say I went to bed hungry several times rather than asking for food and then being annihilated for doing so. A few days later my daughter’s art teacher called me in tears. She told me she asked my Ex for payment for services.  My Ex became irate in front of the children and yelled many things at her including “You mean to tell me you want me to pay $100 for this crap my daughter is bringing home.”  I apologized and emptied the remainder of bank account and paid for the services. 

I quickly found a job at this point. Unfortunately my 1st job was at the mall and this left me open to public humiliation by him. So I found another job and refused to tell him where it was.  Once I began working, he made me pay for all of my own food.  10 years with a person and now we are splitting checks. After a while he told me since he paid the bills, if I wanted to go out to dinner, I had to pay for his food too. He continued forcing expense upon me so I would never have any money for myself. He cut my son from our family health insurance plan. He refused to assist with my daughter’s school supplies. I had to pay my own doctor bills. And so on.


He also used the kids to manipulate my finances.
Ex: Hey kids, did you see the Taylor Swift concert is tomorrow?  You should ask your mother if she would take you.
Kids: Hey Mom, can we go to the Taylor Swift concert?
Me: That would be fun but that is a 9-hour drive and I really can’t afford it.
Ex: You have money in the bank, you just got paid. Don’t disappoint the kids like you always do. Why do you always have to let them down?  What the F@@@ is the matter with you. Look how disappointed they are in you. It is a shame you always let them down. Poor kids deal with your broken promises day after day.
Kids: Come on mom, it will be fun.

The Escape:

After years of abuse the violence set in.  On Mother’s Day 2011. I went to sleep, hungry, battered and listening to him scream at the top of his lungs. All because my daughter asked if we could go to Hibachi for dinner.  When we arrived at the restaurant, he was yelling at me so bad, my daughter said never mind.

The following day, I informed him, it was done. We had been in separate room for over a year, I could not live like this anymore and I am worried if it continues, our daughter will allow a man to treat her that way in the future.

When you tell a sociopath you want to leave they change their game plan. It is the strangest thing I have ever experienced.  One moment they will threaten you, the next moment they love you and want you back. The change in attitude is quicker than flipping a coin. I do not recommend telling them you are leaving until you take certain steps.

Steps to take before you inform the sociopath you are leaving:
1. Secure funds.  Find what ever accounts you are still on. When I went to the bank, to remove funds, I found out he had me removed from all accounts a year earlier.  I never knew this because; I never took funds from the accounts.  He always made me ask for them directly from him.

2. Identify Friends. Find your few close friends you can rely on.  Be careful when selecting them, you will find over the next few months that most people you thought were your friends will be easily manipulated by your abuser.  Let them drop like flies.

3. Establish Support.  Go to your local shelter or church and let them know your situation.  They will direct you where to go for financial assistance, counseling and protection.

4. Get Therapy. You have been beat down and your battle will intensify.

5. Hire an Attorney. You will need a retainer to do so.  This can coast anywhere from $2500 - $5000.  I did not have the funds so; I went to court the 1st time representing myself and secured temporary support and attorney fees.  There are some free legal services out there.

6. Secure Residence.  Think about where you want to be and make sure he does not have access. I tried staying at our home and had him leave.  This did not work, he kept coming back and strange times, often sneaking in my room at nights.  If you stay at your home you will need to get a no trespass warning through your local law enforcement office.

7. Gather Financial Records. My abuser had all of the mail go to a PO Box, I could not access.  He also hid all stock certificates, corporate documents, etc. This has been my big battle today. Trying to locate those documents to prove assets. 

8. Document Everything. I emailed myself from my phone every incident, photograph and recording. Make sure your email account is secure and change the password frequently. 

9. Stop Communication. Once you are ready to tell him you are leaving, make it your last conversation.  Any further conversation should be strictly via text or email.  This will help keep record and save you from further abuse.

Once you inform him you are leaving expect complete chaos like the following.

1. The pleading for reconciliation.  The abuser will make promises and present himself as a changed man.  Do not fall for it.  You will notice he says he changed but when you refuse to go back he will become enraged and show his true self.

2. The pity campaign. He will contact every person you know including but not limited to, your family, your children, your friends, your co-workers, your boss, parents of your child’s friends, you child’s teachers, lawyers, judges, preachers, etc. He will tell them he made horrible mistakes and he loves you and he just wants you back. 

3. The smear campaign. Once he receives pity from the above he will change his story.  He will tell them he loved you but it is probably best you left because you abused him, you are an alcoholic, a drug addict, a whore, the children are in danger in your care, etc.  He will be so convincing that your real friends will call you and tell you stop all of those horrible things.  When this happens, just simply say, “You know they are all lies” and continue to do the next right thing. Continue to participate in activities at your child’s school, volunteer, and mind your P’s and Q’s. Avoid any situation that can be manipulated against you. People that fall for his stories will simply cut you from their life, fire you or avoid you.  Some people will become his ally and help him stalk you, attack you or assist him proving his stories.  My accountant actually stalked my facebook page and submitted any derogatory statements I made to the court in my custody case.  DO NOT POST ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK and BLOCK YOUR KIDS FROM YOUR PAGE or REMOVE THE PAGE ALTOGETHER. I posted the definition of a Deadbeat Parent after my ex refused to pay child support. I did not reference him but my friends did and it did hurt my case.

4. Economic Hardship. My abuser used this tactic all through the marriage.  When I left, he purposely with held from my daughter.  My daughter has not participated in extra curricular activities in over a year. I have to borrow funds for her school supplies, clothing and basic necessities. This month has been particularly hard due to doctor visits both my son and I needed so, unfortunately, I can not pay rent.  It is humiliating and difficult but it is still better than being where I was before. My Ex believes if he makes me and my children suffer enough, I will have no choice but to come back.

5. Long Court Battle. He will fight for your kids, he will refuse to comply with court orders, he will file frivolous motions, he will claim he has been abused, he will hide documentation.  He will drag things out as long as he can to exhaust you and your attorney fees.  Think long and hard of what you are fighting for.  They are excellent manipulators and very convincing. Be ready to settle or fight. Today as I write this letter, I must do it anonymously to avoid being sued for defamation.

6. Provoking.  In order to prove his claims you are crazy he will try and provoke you.  My Ex actually tried to have me removed from my property when I went there to take pictures of assets.  He told the sheriff I was harassing him and our tenants and I was unstable.  While I was talking to the officer my Ex and his girlfriend were make obscene gestures behind the officers back trying to provoke me into acting unstable.  Bite your tongue and keep your composure at all times.

7. The Kids.  My Ex is fighting for custody of my daughter to hurt me.  He withheld his residence information from me for the 1st nine months. Every time my daughter visited with him, I had no clue where she was and he did not allow me to communicate with her while in his care.  He refuses to help with her basic needs and he and his friends speak badly about me in front of her. Every time he has visitation he sends harassing emails and refuses to give pick up and return times.  He with holds child support, support checks bounce, etc.  You name it, he does. Expect the worst and don’t allow him to provoke you. Do not talk bad about him around you children.  Remember your child has endured the pity campaign and they will feel sorry for him.  Love your children, hold their hands, encourage them, tell them they are beautiful and help them through this difficult time.

8. Stalking. My Ex stalked me during our marriage and it still continues today.  If you feel threatened call the police. 

9. Lies, Lies, Lies. They are endless and he is very convincing. Ignore them and move forward. Never try and defend them publicly but do reveal every single one in court.  Do not let his lies go uncontested in court.  After exposing 10 or more the judge will see his pattern.

10. I love her so much. It has been 18 months since I left my ex for good.  I have been a loving relationship with a man for a year and my Ex is still going to anyone that will listen and telling them “I just love her so much and I know when she is done sleeping around and doing drugs she will come back and I will be here waiting.” Ignore it!

11. Holy Man. My ex has turned to religion. Not to be saved but to appear as a good Christian.  It is all about his appearance. He also attends Alanon meetings to perpetuate his claims he was abused.  He started going to yoga to demonstrate he was a peaceful man. Do not let this get to you it is all a game.

One of the most helpful things I read lately was about a toaster. If a toaster called you a whore, what would you do? Would you be upset?  Most likely not. You would unplug the toaster, throw it away and buy a new toaster. My ex is a toaster and I have thrown him away and got a new one.  I still have a big battle ahead in court but, I am at peace and he can not hurt me today. No matter how hard he makes it, this new life is better than one with him. 

If any of my stories sounds familiar, I beg of you to seek help and plan your escape.