My Story

Domestic Abuse Awareness

I have survived and escaped living with a sociopath for 12 years.  Sociopath was not a word in my vocabulary until a week ago but it is a word I wish, I had learned years ago.  Other words that describe similar behavior are narcissist and psychopath. I am not sure what is the correct one to describe my ex but I know their behavior patterns are very similar and a relationship with any of them is extremely toxic and damaging.

My story is not the typical story you would imagine.  I lived in a million dollar home on the water, I was the typical volunteer mom that spent her days hovering over her kids at school and sporting activities, I was active in the community and spent countless hours assisting others, I was a successful business partner with my ex-husband and appeared to have it all.  I have always been a strong willed, no nonsense person that overcame obstacles and tried my best to make the world around me a brighter place. 

Very few knew of the hell I lived daily at home. I only spoke to a few trusted friends about my torment and of course defended my ex with excuses like, “he is just under a lot of pressure”, “he is sick”, “he doesn’t mean what he says” and so on.  It went on like this for years until I woke up one day and felt my only way out was to be hit by a bus. At that point I realized “there is something fundamentally wrong with me to allow myself to be treated this way”.

This letter is a warning to others that lived like I did and my ongoing battle to escape. This is the warning I wish someone gave me.  I ask that you share it with everyone you know and not just those you suspect are being abused. Most people that are being abused will never share they are abused.  Most people have dealt with years of their abuse and have been made to feel it is their fault, if they did something different, it might stop.

The abused person feels that there is something fundamentally wrong with them because no normal human being let alone their husband and father of their children would annihilate someone of good character, a mother, a wife much less a human being on a daily basis. The abused is ashamed and feels it is their fault because that is what they have been conditioned to believe.

The alarming truth is that a sociopath is not a normal human being. They lack empathy, guilt and conscience.  They are the proverbial “Wolf in sheep’s clothing”. They are like a machine, they do not feel and their purpose is to control you.

I am not an educated person and am not qualified to make a diagnosis or do I encourage you to make a diagnoses on your fellow man.  I am simply a survivor and can tell you what I experienced. You may or may not be experiencing the same thing.  The sad thing is there is no cure for a sociopath.  There is no therapy or circumstances that will make a sociopath suddenly have empathy or feel guilt. The only cure is too escape as early as possible and the escape will probably be the most difficult thing you ever did. 

Mothers and wives don’t like to believe the man they invested their heart, life and future is an incurable monster. We fall into a trap believing that we can fix it.  If we complained less, if worked harder, if we made ourselves more attractive, if we spent less money, if we asked for less our husband will be happy and would not do these horrible things to us.  This is all a part of the cycle of abuse. Your only option to survive and protect your children is to escape.

Merriam- Webster defines a sociopath as: : someone who behaves in a dangerous or violent way towards other people and does not feel guilty about such behavior. This is a simple definition and to the point.  There are many other explanations and research available and I encourage you to research further.

Characteristics of a sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm
My ex would only talk about superficial things.  Usually whatever was discussed on Fox News that day. He was like a well-rehearsed talker of nonsense.  If someone brought up a new topic he would instantly become an expert of that. 


Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. My Ex would often say “My only regret in life was being born.” I still don’t understand that statement.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love
This is a hard one to grasp.  No one wants to believe that the father of their children can not love. Unfortunately it is true and eventually you will see he is not loving the kids but manipulating them to hurt you or gain a sense of accomplishment.

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, and no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. He would only choose friends that could benefit him, enlisting them to help in various projects or jobs. They were always loyal and dedicated to help him until he had a new friend and then he would discard them often owing them money.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. My Ex is irresponsible to the extreme. During our marriage I had to clean up after tax issues, lawsuits, judgements, tax liens, non-payments, etc. He would simply deny they exist or blame them on someone else.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. I rarely saw my ex actually work.  I worked 60-70 hours a week at our business and seemed to just walk around yelling at everyone about everything and tell people “This is all mine”; “I own this.” He continually made promises for the future, the eventual break I would have, my dreams I could live but when the opportunities came to bring them to fruition he would deny them. 

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.


ABUSE:
The following will describe how I was abused.  It started out with daily verbal abuse, then economic abuse and eventually violence.  I can honestly say the verbal abuse and economic control caused more harm than the random violence. 

VERBAL ABUSE:
My ex would accuse me most vile, cruel lies. Accused you of being crazy and twisted everything I would say. All of the following are abuse and there is no excuse that would make them ok. The longer, I endured it the more helpless I felt.

Mean Words:
 “You are damaged that is why your father left you and you were raped as a child.”
“You are lazy, you do nothing, I have to do everything in this house”
“You whore, who did you sleep with today?”
“You think you are perfect, you are not, you are crazy”
“You are just with me for my money and everyone sees it”
“I should have listened to everyone, they all told me you where a whore”
“You would have nothing without me”
“The kids hate you”
“Nobody likes you”
“Your work sucks”

Twist my words:
Me: “it really hurts when you say such mean things to me.”
Ex: “so you think you are perfect, you are always fxxxing perfect”

Me: “what time will you be home”
Ex: “what are you telling me, I don’t have a right to go out”

He would tell my children I was bad and did not care for them:
When I would come from work, he would yell out to the children.  “Look your drunk mother is home, she would rather be out drinking with loser strangers than be with you.”

When I had to put the dog to sleep he told my son. “Go with her and try and stop her from killing your dog”

Me: A stranger at the show gave our daughter and I tickets to the show because he date did not show up and he did not want them to go to waste.
Ex (directed to our daughter): Your mother must have slept with him, your mother is a whore.

Miser: He withheld basic necessities from me and our children while he indulged in extravagant things for himself.
At some point he told me he would now be in charge of meals because he felt my spending at the grocery store was out of control.
Me: What is for dinner?
Ex: God damn it, you always want spend money. What do you think it grown on trees.
Or
Ex:  God damn it, you just had lunch, no wonder you are so fat.

Me: “Our daughter needs to go to the hospital”
Ex: “$&^$*$^$%# she is fine you are just over reacting”
(I actually told him, I left something at the office and asked him to go get it, when he left, I took my daughter to the hospital and she was admitted for 5 days.)


Me: “The doctor said I have to have a colonoscopy”
Ex: “That is B$^*^$&*@^# , I would never spend $2,500 to stick something up my a$$”

Me: “Our daughter needs shoes”
Ex: “God damn it, she is fine, all you care about is spend, spend, spend. Before you, I had everything, now I have nothing”

Me: I accidentally pressed the cash key when ordering pizza on line.  Can I borrow $20 so the kids can eat?
Ex: You whore, all you care about is money. (At the top his lungs) Hey kids, your mother is a whore.


Gaslighting: ( I would recommend a little more research on this one, when I did, it described my daily life with my ex and I finally understood it was merely one of his tactics of abuse)
For those who don’t know what gaslighting is, it’s something our abusers do or say to make US think WE’RE the ones who are going insane. They say and do things to make us question our sanity, our memory of events, our boundaries, our values, and our beliefs. It’s when they says things like:

Ex: Hey honey, I think you need a break, Why don’t you go to lunch with your friends.
The following day-
Me: I am going to lunch with my friends
Ex: Fine go to lunch, drain the bank, you and your lunches are going to cause us to lose our home. All you think about is yourself. I should have listened to everyone, you are only with me for my money.

Other examples might be:
• “I never said that.” (when you KNOW they did and have a clear memory of it)
• “You’re imagining things.” (when you KNOW you’re not)
• “You’re always overreacting.” (when you’re reacting EXACTLY as any normal, well-adjusted person would react.
• “You’re such a drama queen.” (when HE is the one creating drama)
• “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” (when you know EXACTLY what you’re talking about)
• “You’re always accusing me of things.” (when, the reason you accuse him of things is because you KNOW he has lied or cheated)
• “You’re always so suspicious.” (when he has given you AMPLE reason to be)
• “What about all the sh*t you’ve done to ME?” (when you haven’t done a THING to him other than love him, appease him, cater to his every want and whim)

Kick me when I am down:
The day my grandmother passed away I came home after staying with her until her passing. I was exhausted and my heart was broken. 
Ex: How are you?
Me: I am hurt.
Ex: Did you know so and so is late on their rent again?
Me: No, and I don’t care right now.
Ex: That is just like you not care. You and your business is going to destroy us.  Your loser tenants and your loser property is going to make us lose our home and you don’t care.  What the f@@k is the matter with you.
Me: Please don’t, I just want to go to sleep and not think of the last 24 hours.
Ex: Fine you go to sleep and wake up with out a home. You are a ^$#*^%^%&*#^%&$^&. (And so on)
Me: Fine, I will go collect rent.

After, I just underwent major surgery. My ex came up to visit.
Ex: How are you?
Me: I am in pain.
Ex: I am watching the game. (He turns the TV up loud.)
Me: Please don’t put the game on, I need rest and there is recliners and a big screen in the ICU waiting room right next door.
Ex: Your are such a bitch. If I want to watch football, I am going to watch football.  I can’t believe you are telling me I can not watch football, every man in the world watches football and you are being a bitch.
Me: I did not say you could not watch football, I asked you to go next door and watch it.
Ex: F.U. I am watching it right here and there is nothing you can do about it.  No wonder everyone hates you.


Public Humiliation:
Often during dinner out or while working together he would find ways humiliate me.

Work:
Client: This looks good, I like it.
Me: Great let’s sign the contract.
Ex: Excuse me but, I think this is all wrong, it is a good thing I am here to find your mistakes.
Client: What, what is wrong? Maybe I should work more closely with you.
Ex: Probably a good idea, she is real good at putting things together but, you always need a man to finish the job.

Dinner Out:
Server: Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Me: Not sure, give us a moment?
Ex: Sure fine, order an appetizer, you don’t care about the family budget.  You just care about yourself. What is the matter with you?  I have to do everything while you just order appetizers and get drunk and leave me to take care of the kids.  Everyone was right about you, all you care about is money.
Me: Please don’t do this. Please not in public.
Ex: I am not doing a damn thing, it is you making a scene.  What the f@@k is the matter with you? F@@king drama, drama, drama. Thank god the kids have me, they would have nothing if they had to depend on you.
Me: Excuse me.
(This was a common scene, I would often say I was going to the restroom and then leave by walking home, calling a friend or finding a safe place for the night.)

Event Hell:
Before every special occasion my ex would say absolutely crazy lies to upset me so, whenever I arrived some place publicly, I would appear miserable, depressed or crazy.  I felt like he was purposely robbing me of a moment of happiness.  Then once we would arrive to where ever we were going he, would tell people, “I really love her but, she has serious issues and just can’t be happy”

Ex: Hey kids, did you know your mother hates your sister?
Daughter: Mommy, do you really hate sissy?
Me: I love sissy but, this is not an appropriate conversation, we are on our way to Uncle’s birthday.
Ex: Tell the kids why you hate sissy, tell them how you could hate sissy.  Kids, your mother is sick and she hates your sister. Someday she will hate you too.

Economic Abuse:
My abuser used economics to control me as well.  After being together 1 year, he forced me to go work for him. He said he needed me and no one else could do it. So, I quit my job and worked for him the next nine years.  The hours were long and he paid me $500 a week to sell over a million dollars in contracts a year. From that $500 he deducted the family health insurance premiums and required I buy groceries for our family of six and provide for the children. Whatever was left, I was permitted to keep.  After a year of paying me, he told me he was restructuring the company and my salary was cut. After some time of working without pay, I could not take it anymore. I left the company; I filed for unemployment, which gave me about $500 every 2 weeks from which, I was still required to buy groceries.  After a few months, he told me he was restructuring again and he needed me to come back to work.  I went back to work for the next 7 years with no compensation.  By controlling my finances he was able to control me and keep me dependent on him. This is abuse.  No one should be required to work with out compensation. In the past it was called slavery.

After a few years of no compensation, I opened my own business.  During this time it was a constant struggle with my ex.  He would often come to my business and yell at me publicly, he told my children I would rather be with stranger than them (even though my kids spent most days with me at my business). He forced me to use all income for household necessities making it difficult to keep inventory.  After 2 years of having my business he told me if I closed the doors we would sail away for a year with the kids. This being a lifelong dream, I took the bait and closed my business.

Needless to say the dream did not come to fruition and 6 months later he informed me.  He would no longer give me money for groceries or kids expenses.  If the kids or I needed something, he will provide what he sees is fit.  He also cut me off from charge account at the club because he felt I was spending too much time there. It was actually done to force me to ask him for food. Needless to say I went to bed hungry several times rather than asking for food and then being annihilated for doing so. A few days later my daughter’s art teacher called me in tears. She told me she asked my Ex for payment for services.  My Ex became irate in front of the children and yelled many things at her including “You mean to tell me you want me to pay $100 for this crap my daughter is bringing home.”  I apologized and emptied the remainder of bank account and paid for the services. 

I quickly found a job at this point. Unfortunately my 1st job was at the mall and this left me open to public humiliation by him. So I found another job and refused to tell him where it was.  Once I began working, he made me pay for all of my own food.  10 years with a person and now we are splitting checks. After a while he told me since he paid the bills, if I wanted to go out to dinner, I had to pay for his food too. He continued forcing expense upon me so I would never have any money for myself. He cut my son from our family health insurance plan. He refused to assist with my daughter’s school supplies. I had to pay my own doctor bills. And so on.


He also used the kids to manipulate my finances.
Ex: Hey kids, did you see the Taylor Swift concert is tomorrow?  You should ask your mother if she would take you.
Kids: Hey Mom, can we go to the Taylor Swift concert?
Me: That would be fun but that is a 9-hour drive and I really can’t afford it.
Ex: You have money in the bank, you just got paid. Don’t disappoint the kids like you always do. Why do you always have to let them down?  What the F@@@ is the matter with you. Look how disappointed they are in you. It is a shame you always let them down. Poor kids deal with your broken promises day after day.
Kids: Come on mom, it will be fun.

The Escape:

After years of abuse the violence set in.  On Mother’s Day 2011. I went to sleep, hungry, battered and listening to him scream at the top of his lungs. All because my daughter asked if we could go to Hibachi for dinner.  When we arrived at the restaurant, he was yelling at me so bad, my daughter said never mind.

The following day, I informed him, it was done. We had been in separate room for over a year, I could not live like this anymore and I am worried if it continues, our daughter will allow a man to treat her that way in the future.

When you tell a sociopath you want to leave they change their game plan. It is the strangest thing I have ever experienced.  One moment they will threaten you, the next moment they love you and want you back. The change in attitude is quicker than flipping a coin. I do not recommend telling them you are leaving until you take certain steps.

Steps to take before you inform the sociopath you are leaving:
1. Secure funds.  Find what ever accounts you are still on. When I went to the bank, to remove funds, I found out he had me removed from all accounts a year earlier.  I never knew this because; I never took funds from the accounts.  He always made me ask for them directly from him.

2. Identify Friends. Find your few close friends you can rely on.  Be careful when selecting them, you will find over the next few months that most people you thought were your friends will be easily manipulated by your abuser.  Let them drop like flies.

3. Establish Support.  Go to your local shelter or church and let them know your situation.  They will direct you where to go for financial assistance, counseling and protection.

4. Get Therapy. You have been beat down and your battle will intensify.

5. Hire an Attorney. You will need a retainer to do so.  This can coast anywhere from $2500 - $5000.  I did not have the funds so; I went to court the 1st time representing myself and secured temporary support and attorney fees.  There are some free legal services out there.

6. Secure Residence.  Think about where you want to be and make sure he does not have access. I tried staying at our home and had him leave.  This did not work, he kept coming back and strange times, often sneaking in my room at nights.  If you stay at your home you will need to get a no trespass warning through your local law enforcement office.

7. Gather Financial Records. My abuser had all of the mail go to a PO Box, I could not access.  He also hid all stock certificates, corporate documents, etc. This has been my big battle today. Trying to locate those documents to prove assets. 

8. Document Everything. I emailed myself from my phone every incident, photograph and recording. Make sure your email account is secure and change the password frequently. 

9. Stop Communication. Once you are ready to tell him you are leaving, make it your last conversation.  Any further conversation should be strictly via text or email.  This will help keep record and save you from further abuse.

Once you inform him you are leaving expect complete chaos like the following.

1. The pleading for reconciliation.  The abuser will make promises and present himself as a changed man.  Do not fall for it.  You will notice he says he changed but when you refuse to go back he will become enraged and show his true self.

2. The pity campaign. He will contact every person you know including but not limited to, your family, your children, your friends, your co-workers, your boss, parents of your child’s friends, you child’s teachers, lawyers, judges, preachers, etc. He will tell them he made horrible mistakes and he loves you and he just wants you back. 

3. The smear campaign. Once he receives pity from the above he will change his story.  He will tell them he loved you but it is probably best you left because you abused him, you are an alcoholic, a drug addict, a whore, the children are in danger in your care, etc.  He will be so convincing that your real friends will call you and tell you stop all of those horrible things.  When this happens, just simply say, “You know they are all lies” and continue to do the next right thing. Continue to participate in activities at your child’s school, volunteer, and mind your P’s and Q’s. Avoid any situation that can be manipulated against you. People that fall for his stories will simply cut you from their life, fire you or avoid you.  Some people will become his ally and help him stalk you, attack you or assist him proving his stories.  My accountant actually stalked my facebook page and submitted any derogatory statements I made to the court in my custody case.  DO NOT POST ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK and BLOCK YOUR KIDS FROM YOUR PAGE or REMOVE THE PAGE ALTOGETHER. I posted the definition of a Deadbeat Parent after my ex refused to pay child support. I did not reference him but my friends did and it did hurt my case.

4. Economic Hardship. My abuser used this tactic all through the marriage.  When I left, he purposely with held from my daughter.  My daughter has not participated in extra curricular activities in over a year. I have to borrow funds for her school supplies, clothing and basic necessities. This month has been particularly hard due to doctor visits both my son and I needed so, unfortunately, I can not pay rent.  It is humiliating and difficult but it is still better than being where I was before. My Ex believes if he makes me and my children suffer enough, I will have no choice but to come back.

5. Long Court Battle. He will fight for your kids, he will refuse to comply with court orders, he will file frivolous motions, he will claim he has been abused, he will hide documentation.  He will drag things out as long as he can to exhaust you and your attorney fees.  Think long and hard of what you are fighting for.  They are excellent manipulators and very convincing. Be ready to settle or fight. Today as I write this letter, I must do it anonymously to avoid being sued for defamation.

6. Provoking.  In order to prove his claims you are crazy he will try and provoke you.  My Ex actually tried to have me removed from my property when I went there to take pictures of assets.  He told the sheriff I was harassing him and our tenants and I was unstable.  While I was talking to the officer my Ex and his girlfriend were make obscene gestures behind the officers back trying to provoke me into acting unstable.  Bite your tongue and keep your composure at all times.

7. The Kids.  My Ex is fighting for custody of my daughter to hurt me.  He withheld his residence information from me for the 1st nine months. Every time my daughter visited with him, I had no clue where she was and he did not allow me to communicate with her while in his care.  He refuses to help with her basic needs and he and his friends speak badly about me in front of her. Every time he has visitation he sends harassing emails and refuses to give pick up and return times.  He with holds child support, support checks bounce, etc.  You name it, he does. Expect the worst and don’t allow him to provoke you. Do not talk bad about him around you children.  Remember your child has endured the pity campaign and they will feel sorry for him.  Love your children, hold their hands, encourage them, tell them they are beautiful and help them through this difficult time.

8. Stalking. My Ex stalked me during our marriage and it still continues today.  If you feel threatened call the police. 

9. Lies, Lies, Lies. They are endless and he is very convincing. Ignore them and move forward. Never try and defend them publicly but do reveal every single one in court.  Do not let his lies go uncontested in court.  After exposing 10 or more the judge will see his pattern.

10. I love her so much. It has been 18 months since I left my ex for good.  I have been a loving relationship with a man for a year and my Ex is still going to anyone that will listen and telling them “I just love her so much and I know when she is done sleeping around and doing drugs she will come back and I will be here waiting.” Ignore it!

11. Holy Man. My ex has turned to religion. Not to be saved but to appear as a good Christian.  It is all about his appearance. He also attends Alanon meetings to perpetuate his claims he was abused.  He started going to yoga to demonstrate he was a peaceful man. Do not let this get to you it is all a game.

One of the most helpful things I read lately was about a toaster. If a toaster called you a whore, what would you do? Would you be upset?  Most likely not. You would unplug the toaster, throw it away and buy a new toaster. My ex is a toaster and I have thrown him away and got a new one.  I still have a big battle ahead in court but, I am at peace and he can not hurt me today. No matter how hard he makes it, this new life is better than one with him. 

If any of my stories sounds familiar, I beg of you to seek help and plan your escape.