Projection

Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies? Accused you of being crazy? Twisted everything you say? Most of us have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling. The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and impulses and pathololgize the people they target.




Projection is not an easy concept to learn. Those terribly cruel words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the core.




So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be even uglier. He may be saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a defence mechanism of their disordered psyche.




Expect endless blame and criticism often for trivial nitpicking things. Expect them to 'split' you into a good or bad person instantanously as their defence mechanisms kick in to protect their psyche. The personality disordered will always be able to find a scapegoat.




Back to that old 'toaster' analogy. Suppose your toaster suddenly told you that you were uncaring, evil, insane. Would you respond to the toaster? Of course not. But you would consider unplugging it and getting rid of it. Your N is that toaster.







To protect yourself from your abuser's projecting, try to mentally build a barrier to stop his words from entering and hurting you. Ignore his words. You might say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I need you to stop blaming me". It's often better to make no remark at all. It's bait, don't take the bait. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. That's what he's after. His payoff here can be any response from you either by body language, facial expression or words you use. Keep your ears open, his projection might give you a good look into what he's doing, and this can benefit anybody facing a divorce/custody case.




Projection

Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc. on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts; when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.

Tim Fields: The Serial Bully site




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Here is a quick little quiz to take. They are actual words spoken by our N/Ps. Which is projection and which is a lie?

1. "You can't count on those people to tell the truth".
2. "I just don't know who you are anymore"
3. "I cheated on you because I was depressed and I was punishing myself."
4. "Never trust anyone!"
5. "I don't want to know anything about your life."
6. “You don't care about the kids, they're a burden to you. All you care about is your work and being with your friends."
7. "You're a lousy housekeeper."


Answer: The only 'lie' is #3. All others are projection. Regards to Dr. Robert Bell for his knowledge and help in preparing this page.


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© Author: femfree 2001