FROM:
http://coparentingwithsociopath.blogspot.com/2012/11/kiss-and-tell-fight-sociopath-and-win.html
K.I.S.S. And Tell: Fight a Sociopath and Win!
I have to laugh every time I check my analytic's page. Especially the keyword phrases that people use when searching for information on co parenting with a sociopath. Don't misunderstand- I'm not laughing AT them. I am laughing at the absurdity of the fact that ANY of us are having to learn how to co-parent with a bonafide sociopath. Unbelievable.
That
being said, I have personally been put through the ringer trying to
figure out how to convince a judge that my ex is a sociopath. You
would think that a psychiatrist testifying to the fact would be
enough. NOT.
I have
worn the search engines out looking for information about how to beat
one in court, how to win against them, how to protect my child from
one, how to testify against one, how to explain ASPD to your
attorney, and how to co-parent with one. The answers are hard to
find.
Here is what I HAVE figured out about winning a battle against a sociopath: It is possible and it isn't that hard. I have developed a theory I call K.I.S.S and Tell. So, far it has been working for me. Here is how it works:
K.I.S.S. stands for Keep it Simple, Stupid. Sociopathy is hard to explain to someone who has never lived with it. The traits are not. Predicting the impact on a child isn't hard either.
Q:
How do we tell a judge a sociopath is bad for a child? (Again,
laughing... it is sooo wrong we should have to do this, duh!)
A:
Tell him about morality as a predictor for future criminality and
values as an ability to instruct and inspire the child in
preparation for becoming an asset to the community BUT don't throw a
label onto your ex.
After
all, aside from the abuse and neglect that our children must suffer
now, our biggest concern is the impact a sociopath will have on their
future. (I am not minimizing abuse and neglect, but I am avoiding it.
Bringing this up in family court is an almost guaranteed way for a
mother to lose custody- even if the sociopath admits to it and even
if you can prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.)
If you run into court saying your ex is a sociopath and he tries to make you look crazy, then the judge WILL think you are crazy. The ex will snicker and laugh and say, “see, I told you she was nuts!” Emotionally detach yourself from your case. If you focus instead on proving a pattern of behaviors and painting a picture for how this will impact your child, you will come across as grounded. Judges like grounded.
I highly recommend the book “Teaching Right from Wrong – 40 Things You Can Do To Raise A Moral Child” by Arthur Dobrin. It is all about how to raise an ethical child- which a sociopath knows NOTHING about. It is also a valuable blueprint for telling a judge what your child needs and how you can do it better than a sociopath.
So,
try to keep your case simple. Complicated equals confusion.
Sociopaths thrive on confusion.
… and
tell. What is a sociopath's ONLY FEAR? The truth being revealed. Do
tell about what has happened in your life and the hell that your
child is going through. BUT be clear that you can separate the past
from the future. The reality is that in the current court
environment, you WILL be forced to co parent with the sociopath. If
you suggest anything less you run the risk of losing your child to
the sociopath completely.
I used
to keep my mouth shut about the abuse. I was embarrassed. Now, I tell
every chance I get. Once people hear it they start noticing things on
their own. The sociopath hates it, which triggers his issues and
causes him to make a fool out of himself. I made the mental shift
from victim to survivor and people are starting to see through his
act. Me telling has caused him to sabotage himself.
He is not winning anymore.
I
believe in K.I.S.S. And Tell because I tried it the other way and I
LOST. Then I learned that I was not alone. Thousands of mothers and
children go through this very thing. The more outraged against the
injustice we become- the harder we fight to reveal the truth – the
tighter the noose around our neck gets. In this way, we mothers have
a LOT to learn from corrupt father's rights groups and perhaps from
sociopaths as well.
OMG the more I read ....what you have written has been my experience ..and whats worse my ex is a detective and has knowledge of the court system so has been able to be even more manipulating. Thankyou it helps to know i am not alone
ReplyDeleteMy ex is ASPD and a cop - a very toxic mix. The tendency of the court to believe him is linked to his occupation. Dealing with these types of people takes a lot of patience and dilligence in documenting EVERYTHING. It is true, they lie so much that they forget what they have lied about. Keeping records will trip them up eventually. It's the waiting and watching my children having to deal with all his lies and manipulation the hardest and most hearbreaking part. I got away from him - they still have to see him 2.5 days a week.
DeleteI too was married to an sociopathic officer. The whole divorce & trail was a nightmare. He had told me numerous times that he held grudges and man, did that bare out! To this day, I still have to deal with his controlling behavior, for which he uses our children. He was granted primary custody but eventually I plan to go back to court and hope to have that changed.
DeleteI'm about a month away from pretrial with my sociopathic STBX . In the year prior to now she's done a lot of really bad things to our daughter. She's exhibited ALL the signs of someone with severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is clearly a sociopath. She's "recreated" herself at least 4 times in her life. Taking on a completely new persona to "fit in" to the new group she's with. All while detaching herself completely from all the people who were in her life prior. From an outsiders perspective, someone who knows nothing about sociopaths, it would appear as if her body was one day possessed by a completely different person. I have piles and piles of examples of her selfish and wreckless behavior around our 3yo daughter all documented for trial. Which includes pictures of her out drinking on multiple occasions at a bar with our 3yo in tow who is clearly not enjoying the experience. you see, my ex's new personal is rock and roll groupie. She hangs out with the real bottom feeders of the death metal scene now. A year ago she was a blonde hair housewife living in a upper middle class community. A member of the PTA. Not anymore though. Now she looks like a heavy metal girl. Complete with new band logo tattoos. My sociopath has an extensive criminal history. And this has all now come to light. She's been to prison before, and been arrested and convicted of no less than 5 grand theft charges over the years. She created a very clever persona to get me to fall in love with her though. I'm telling you, she was good.
ReplyDeleteBut your article is spot on though. And it's VERY easy to lose sight of the K.I.S.S. strategy. I'm certain that when we are in front of our Judge that K.I.S.S. will work the best. Bring up a short list of all the good things about me, a willing and moral father who is only looking to raise a child who will excel in life. And then in simple terms explain why the ex could never do these things. And then bring to the table examples of her already not doing these things. Careful not to throw names at it. Like narcissist, or sociopath. I've realized that only makes you look crazy. Nobody really gets it. So you have to put it in different terms for them. She's a bad mother. She's immoral. She constantly is out drinking, when she should be at home being a mom. That is what people can put their minds around. Not that my ex is Ted Bundy (as the classic psychopath/sociopath is envisioned).
I battled a (female) sociopath for 4 long years. Eventually she blackmailed me on a recorded telephone line and I had law enforcement waiting in the wings. Her prior prison sentence for credit card fraud served as a good baseline for the Judge to dispense a 3-5 year felony offense.
ReplyDeleteI don't recall ever exhaling as satisfyingly as I did that day.
Yes, they can be beaten, one simply must remove all emotional responses to their antics and manipulations. Good luck to us empaths
I think that this is not a gender issue - My sociopath's ultimate goal is self destruction and to recruit others into the game to ruin my happiness with my children so everything prosperous is a game for them. Children, finances, the court system - a game. It is sad that often the victim is so bashed and abused by the individual that the target (you) begins to rejoice at behaviour and outcomes that are not you - not me - just parts of the process that the abuser has generated. Separate yourself as much as you can. Like the point when their outrageous condition results in a felony arrest. Is that you to rejoice at that? Ask yourself what that person did to you? The court system profits by running this person's life through their legal fee and abuse infrastructure - always at the faithful partner's expense - wrong is right for them - it generates revenue for the State to oppress households. The sociopath knows that you will defend your children! You have a conscious and can Love! What a flaw! When they are done with you they will drag you in front of anything that threatens your happiness and future and the trait you have they do not. The parenting plan is the final game - forcing you to continue to deal with their game. For every parent - Mother, Father - I want to say it is not your fault and remember you are being hurt because you loved someone and that is not something to be ashamed of - don't let that person make you forget who you are or isolate you ! Stay strong for your children - they are a blessing from God. The court is not your forum - it is the forum of abuse that the sociopath plays you in - there is no Love in the law in family court. Especially if you are a Father - I am sorry to say - it is true. They don;t give a damn about you or your children. My heart would heal if I could find a female movement that had the courage to admit there is a Father out there who we hurt and that it is our responsibility to help reverse that. Or for a man to agree that there is a woman out there going through the same thing they are - and we need to come together to fight for Love and our dignity as people and our children - not form a political action committee or winning court strategy. The courts have no ability to do that. I know you - Mom, Dad and you don't have to win like a sociopath needs to win - YOU REAL! Stay Loving. Think that way! What is happening to you is happening because you could Love someone and the other one could not - and that is something no-one can ever take away from you. Win or lose. Let the sociopath win - they never get to Love. That is my definition of a loser. God will preserve your children and your Love because he is always your refuge.
ReplyDeleteMy ex is an officer and a self professed sociopath (he had written this in an email to me.) During court he then said that he thought differently of himself- OF COURSE (children are involved.) The judge took his word at trial and not only that, gave him all that he wanted. Unbelievable! So, that the judge didn't even blink an eye where I had proof (and being an officer, he knew himself well enough) -I can see how without it, it's that much easier to dismiss a parent who attempts to bring this to light in the court. How is it that they so often get their way!?
ReplyDeleteFor 10 years I thought I was going through this alone. It's been a miserable journey.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are in this never ending cycle against her sociopathic ex. He is the lowest form. The emails, texts, voice recording, the judge heard all the truth. A biased social study that we proved was biased and inaccurate. Proved his inability to communicate or coparent. The judge even allowed his still married to another man girlfriend to sit at the lawyers table chewing and smacking her gum.
ReplyDeleteThere is no justice as the judges are bought and paid for by Fathers Rights Groups.
https://www.change.org/p/bill-nelson-barack-obama-supreme-child-custody-with-a-sociopathic-parent-where-is-the-protection?recruiter=55137548&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink
ReplyDeleteIt is true that a personality disorder knows no gender; however statistically men abuse more than females. It's important to know this ratio, but my no means should it dismiss a male who is abused by an anti-social female. I believe the National Bar Association produced a study regarding abuse, which showed a correlation between abusive individuals seeking sole custody and using the courtroom and litigation to abuse their partner. Sociopaths who are usually abusive often win custody from mothers. When I hear someone viciously trying to take someone to court, I often suspect abuse which can be rooted in sociopathy. When your dealing with parenting with a sociopath, they are black and white thinkers and unfortunately the only way to protect the children is to take an aggressive role in the court system by seeking a RO -- if necessary and abuse has occurred, record if legal in the State you are in, document, have witnesses around and insure psychological testing is done and a correlation is shown to the Court between the actions of the unstable sociopath (of course it's risky to use that label in court) and their personality disorder. I've been dealing with a sociopath for 20 years now and he has done every form of abuse, including threatening to take my children away which he was able to do with the his firm, and withholding the all money from me. Now my ex is doing what he has done to me to my children and it's hard because he has worked at taking my credibility away by misleading judges, evaluators. and even the place my children I should be receiving help was snowed by him. I want to believe they lacked the training. Alienating children from the loving parent so they can abuse and control the children is the latter strategy sociopaths tend to do. I've been told by counsellors to run, but running is hard when I have three children who are being abused the same way I was. The sociopath can't love, only destroy and he/she sees people as objects they can use, which can include sexual deviant acts, physical/emotional psychological abuse, getting children to do criminal acts so they have something in them and then the children have mental or behavioral issues. Basically the child's self, morality, understanding what's right from wrong is corrupted. And in my case the parental alienation follows, so the children learn it's easier to target the loving, nurturing patent then dealing with the daily wrath of the sociopath.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. But, I'm a male with a female who has had the all the support: legal,took kids, her family and friends and even my side of the family. During the course of our ten years together I disconnected from all friends. Even my mother and sister believe her without proof when I show clear proof of her lies, I'm still rejected Nd in fact they haven't even asked my side of the story. She had me arrested for kicking her out which I didn't know was a crime. However, I never ended kicking her out. She left my 2 yr old alone,walked out,and her brother called 911 (Even though she has 911 already punched in as she threatened me she would). She later said she told them not to arrest me but later I get some protection order I have no idea what it is but find out it's more of a control order as it was edited by her where I could be with her at all times but I couldn't threaten, harm, or assault her. After jail (She bails me out,But I walk home) I find bail receipt right where I sit for work. This would take days to write I quit but in sum she agreed to sign affidavit to get charge dismissed. Time came and changed mind. Couple weeks later I get served on lawsuit saying I'm violent, 50%child support, and embarrassing supervision when I'm with my kids,etc. I'm broke, alone, and wondering why I'm treated like this for being forgiving and over generous. 10 yrs of never ending cheating, lying, physical abuse(I threatened to kick her out 6 months before if she continued along with screaming in middle of night as loud as possible). I quit. I'm jumping from thought to thought. There's too much to say. I've talked to 3 people 5 hours total in 3 months. 1 hour with children. All meals alone .working to save little left of future. This bitch can't even take care of a goldfish
DeleteI have to say that I am so relieved to be reading this blog and the comments, and to know that I am not alone. I had two children with an abusive sociopath that I have been trying to escape from for nearly 7 years now. I have gone without child support, and have raised them on my own. I have been fighting him in court for the past three and a half years and have not understood why the court system has not done a better job to help protect myself and children. We have a full protection order that has been the hardest battle of my life to maintain, even with full proof and evidence of abuse, kidnapping and murder threats. It now makes sense that the courts are prejudice and count on cases like these to keep their deep pockets filled. Thank you so much for the advice on how to protect ourselves, even if it's just a little bit better. I desperately need all the help I can get.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the assumption here is that only men can be sociopaths. I am dealing with all this but my ex is a female
ReplyDeleteI like that the writer brought up corrupt father's rights groups. I think peoples' views about the ratio of male to female sociopaths is skewed by the media and the individual's own experience. The facts are according to studies is men are the overwhelming majority of abusers but most women have been taught to keep quiet about the abuse and "make their relationship work". So men who experience a female abuser are very vocal about it. Women are the silent majority of the abused.
ReplyDeleteMany experts say that it is half women at least . Men dont report it. I have dealt with two women and a mother with these traits. I believe women get a pass because we dont expect this behavior from a mother and for other reasons . Mine was physically abusive and the therapists , family wanted her in counseling. Wouldve wanted me in jail. Double standards. And the false accusations they get away with . uggghh. Even with solid proof, where are the consequences? I can only wait and hope.
DeleteI am appalled by the gender one-sided-ness of this blog. My ex is female, a fugitive from the state of Georgia, a repeat criminal, definitely a sociopath, an opioid drug addict, and more. All of that was discovered during separation. I am presently working on a book and movie (friends in the industry) in order to expose this travesty of justice. Thank you "Dr." Phil for showing unscrupulous women how to easily screw up multiple families' lives and their children (sarcasm, obviously). No one, woman or man, should keep quiet in the face of an abuser. Let's all end the BS.
ReplyDeleteI am the victim of an abusive pathological liar who comes across as convincingly believable. Through his lawyer his lies are obvious and denigrating. I have not responded to his lies nor comments as it will prolong the battle and associating legal fees. It also will have an unwitting effect on our children whom I am determined to protect. As it all 'his way or the highway' how do I best countetact my ex's meticulous planning and rejection of every suggestion I make? His planning is all about him with little concern for our children.
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