These posts are from 2 other women that have gained more courage than me.  I am personally in the keeping the peace mode because of recent transitions and current court case.  It seems that every time, I stand up for myself, my actions occupy the courts time and the real issues are still not heard.

Remember, I have been in my situation for 3 years and still have not been awarded proper child support because 42 hours of the judges time has been discussing the following facebook post I made after he refused to pay child support:

"A deadbeat parent is a person that willfully refuses to provide support even when they have the means to do so"
 

Please note my daughter is blocked from my facebook page because, I have made a post like this from time to time. (considering my circumstances, it has been minimal)

I never mentioned my ex, my situation, I just simply posted the definition. Each time I go to court the clock is ran discussing a post I made two years ago. 

 

After, I advised my daughter to "Keep the peace" while visiting her father.  I felt, I did the wrong thing and discussed it with her. She informed me she prefers to keep the peace at this time. 

 

The posts below, remind me of a recent incident where I gave in.  My only successful hearing so far has been my petition to relocate and the only reason it was a success was because my daughter was allowed to testify.  Unfortunately, my ex presented such a scathing report of me, I would be  afraid of my instability and abusiveness if I had believed it.  Of course the "Deadbeat Dad" post was brought up again, making court feel like I was stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and I was never going to escape that post.  It is funny how the judge assumes both parties are being unreasonable and lying and never considered the fact he was withholding child support. 

 

Back to the point.  In my agreement to move 350 miles away, I am to provide 100% of transportation once a month and he is to meet me halfway the other visit.  He lives in my hometown and most of family lives there so, it makes sense for me travel the full distance most of the time.  Our first scheduled visit,  I brought my daughter down.  The second scheduled visit, he was to meet halfway, but he postponed the visitation (arrangements he made directly with my daughter). The third scheduled visit he was supposed to meet halfway, since it was a postponement of the second.  Being the nice person I am, I made the mistake of offering to bring her down and provide 100% of the transportation if I could pick her up on noon on Sunday.  The drive is 6 1/2 hours and I wanted to get my daughter home at reasonable hour.  Our meeting time was 3pm at  the midway location about 3 1/2 hours from his home.

 

Needless to say this ended up being, one week of accusations, attorney consults, threats, etc. and I finally said fine, I will bring her down and pick her up whenever.  For me, I gave in because he wanted me to fight.  He wanted to cause me stress and feel he still had control.  My choosing not to fight, allowed me to win and saved my daughter from a car ride with him complaining about me the whole time. 

 

The one thing that does concern me, as the post below mentions "by not standing up, we are showing our children we can not protect them" I pray my actions have not given my daughter that message. 

Yes, she is forced to visit him and until she tells me she does not want to, I will not make that fight.

Yes, we had an incident where calling the police failed us. (details at: http://neveraccept.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-narcissistic-father.html)

Yes, family court has not proven to provide justice or protection.

But, my daughter has seen me, leave the situation, fight the battle and survive this ordeal.  My daughter has seen me stand up for her and do my best to protect her.  Most importantly, she is open and honest with me and we have worked together to cope with her visits and develop what works for us today.

 

I do admire these women in the posts below and I hope, I find the courage to stand up a little more each time I deal with him.  I hope my boundaries become strong and defined.

 

 

By Quinn Pierce October 9, 2013 26 Comments Read More →

Divorcing A Sociopath: Avoiding Conflict and Other Mistakes

by Quinn Pierce
For a long time, I tried to keep confrontations with my ex-husband to a minimum.  I always thought that I could avoid causing my boys any further harm by just ‘keeping the peace’.  I considered it a small price to pay if I had to tolerate inconveniences and insults in order to give my children a drama-less environment.

But, as is always the case when negotiating with a sociopath, the price was much higher than I ever imagined.

Good Intentions
I believed I was setting an example by taking the high road and not engaging my ex-husband in his game-playing antics.  Unfortunately, what I was doing was letting a bully set the rules and move the boundaries at will.

And while I thought I was helping my boys to feel safe and secure, I was acting in a way that made them think I could not protect them from their father.  If I couldn’t stand up to him when he tried to exert control and disrupt our lives with small, insignificant acts, how could I stand up to him if he did something really hurtful or scary?

I guess I didn’t realize that a sociopath will act the exact same way whether someone is nice or not.  It’s definitely true of my ex-husband.  The more accommodating and agreeable I am, the more he tries to take advantage of me and push past the boundaries I have set.  It seems as though his ultimate goal is always to have me engage in some type of drama, and so, he pushes until there is conflict, takes advantage of my conflict avoidance, or enjoys every second of his drama-filled arguments.

Unlikely Gifts
For me, it was something I had to figure out through experience, since it didn’t really register when anyone else shared this type of advice.  Which means it took a totally unexpected, and somewhat bizarre event, to show me just how misguided my judgment was when dealing with this man whose only consistent characteristic is spitefulness.

And that event occurred after I finally decided to reinstate a long forgotten rule of not allowing unexpected visits from my ex at my home.  Not long after my minor reprimand and reminder to him not to show up unannounced, I received two hate-filled emails from his new wife outlining every aspect of my life that she felt needed criticizing and judging.  Apparently, my life is just chock-full of reprehensible, despicable, and immoral behavior.  Actually, I was a bit jealous of the ‘me’ she described with such animosity; in reality, my life is not nearly as interesting or well planned.

Unexpected Response
It may not seem all that unusual for a new wife to despise an ex-wife, but I was very surprised by the email attack by this woman.  For one thing, I had probably spoken to her for a total of five minutes in the previous two years.  Secondly, I never gave as much thought to her as she obviously did to me, and I found it unsettling that she had such strong opinions of someone she hardly knew.  Lastly, I actually encouraged my boys to have a relationship with this woman.  Ok, maybe I couldn’t say the words “step mom” without feeling ill, but I figured the boys would need all the support they could get when visiting their father, so I was actually relieved when he met someone who had children the same ages as mine.

This may provide some insight as to how I missed the warning signs when I married my ex-husband in the first place, since twenty years later, I still seem to have this naïve streak that gets me into these predicaments.

Waiting For The Opportunity 
At any rate, I needed to talk to my boys about this strange turn of events. I knew they would be hearing some less-than-pleasant things said about me next time they visited their dad, and I wanted to let them know that, although I was disappointed by the disrespectful and cruel email attacks, I really didn’t care what she thought about me and they should just ignore anything they heard.

What this incident did, however, was far more significant than learning how much anger and hate a virtual stranger held toward me. It gave my boys an opportunity to unleash all the emotions they had held in for two years.

Following My Lead
Once those floodgates were opened, there was no turning back for my boys.  All of a sudden, I was hearing details of their visits that I never heard before.  And, my boys were starting to speak up for themselves when staying over at their father’s house.  What’s more, they became very protective of me and were no longer pretending everything was fine at my ex-husband’s home.

I was stunned by the transformation of my children.  I realized that they were just waiting for the opportunity to talk about what it was like visiting their father’s house.  I had actually prevented them from expressing their concerns, opinions, fears, etc, because what I had considered to be ‘keeping the peace’ had actually created an atmosphere that did not encourage the boys to speak their minds or share any negative experiences.

In Hindsight
In essence, by trying to prevent conflict and confrontation, I had caused more stress for my children.  I let a sociopath make and change the rules,-giving him his coveted control, while I appeared unable to protect the boys from his harmful behaviors.

I couldn’t believe the outcome of my actions were actually the complete opposite of what I had intended.  I guess I had continued a pattern of compliance from my marriage that I didn’t even realize was still happening.  It nearly broke my heart to learn this.

Better Late Than Never
It’s strange to think I am grateful for being verbally attacked by my ex-husband’s new wife, but I would say that I am.  She provided the catalyst to the events that would subsequently give my boys the opportunity to find their voices.

And I learned how important it is to maintain boundaries and not let the bully exert control.  I had become so used to avoiding arguments and conflicts that I didn’t recognize those situations that required me to stand up to my ex-husband.  He recognized that trait in me, and he took advantage of what he saw as an easy opportunity.

So, I am grateful.  I don’t know how long it might have taken me otherwise to figure out that my non-confrontational approach to my ex-husband was causing anxiety and stress for my children.
Who knows, maybe someday I’ll email her back and thank her for telling me what a horrible, controlling, vindictive person I am…then again, it was really a pain to have to change my email address after her unsolicited opinions of my character flaws began flooding my inbox, so maybe I’ll just call it even.

Posted in: Quinn Pierce, Recovery from a sociopath, Sociopaths and family, Uncategorized

26 Comments on "Divorcing A Sociopath: Avoiding Conflict and Other Mistakes"

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firebird says: 

October 15, 2013 at 10:21 am

Hi Quinn,
My story mirrors yours in a number of ways! It took me five years and a long protracted legal process to divorce my ex. Even though he had told me that he hated being married to me and hated the house and dealing with the kids, (and he hated our two cats! Seriously?), and he was madly in love with one of his young employees apparently, he would not leave the marriage and move out.

(To give you a visual that works: I once had to have a molar extracted. It was planted so deeply into my gum that the oral surgeon had to take a hammer, shatter it, pull out the pieces, and she did need to wedge her foot under the chair so she wouldn’t lose her balance as she yanked the pieces of tooth out. Getting rid of my s’path husband was kind of like that…)

I tried to keep my children from the center of the storm and did not set them against their father, in spite of my own explosive feelings. I followed the strong suggestions of my therapist, our marriage counselor, and my divorce attorney, family and friends who warned me to keep my children away from the conflict – to not say angry things about their father in front of them. They warned that if I did this, I would hurt my children. So I didn’t, even though he constantly denigrated me when the kids were with him and Brunhilda. We hear this from all kinds of divorce “professionals”, and technically, it seems like the right choice – however, as you illustrate in your post, it can make the normal person who is dealing with a sociopath seem weak and passive.

Our divorce culture acts as if both husband and wife are equally at fault. The behavior of the rational non-sociopath partner who is trying to keep body and soul together gets clumped in with that of the irrational and vengeful sociopath. So many times I heard this comment from clueless advisors: (“Can’t you two just work it out?”) Unless somebody has dealt with a sociopath, they have no idea that to deal with one is walking a tightrope. You don’t want to appear vicious and vengeful,(don’t show them your cards, and/or you get stereotyped as an angry witch) yet, you don’t want to appear weak because they’ll chew you (and your children) up and spit you out if you let down your guard.
When my children would come home from their father’s (and his new wife’s) house, they would be upset and I’d hear stories of their father’s disturbing behavior, and how the new wife was a smiling bully. Trying not to make the situation worse, I learned to listen to my kids. It was incredibly difficult to listen and not comment or bad mouth their father. But looking back, I’m glad that I did learn to listen.(To keep from exploding myself, I shared these stories with my therapist, and with trusted friends out of my kids’ earshot) Listening is a powerful tool, and it did prevent me from further contaminating my children with my own anger and fear. They did find their own voices. As young adults now, they ended all contact with their father and his disturbed wife.

Like you, I too received poisonous emails from his wife, and my ex signed them also. Unlike you, I took a legal action, and the result was a Civil Court trial. (it’s rare for a Defamation case like this to make it to trial, but during the course of 3 years, these curdling emails did catch the attention of different judges as they were passed around to determine if my case had merit. It was decided by the Court that my case did have merit, and, I did get to read the emails to a jury of six people.) I felt I didn’t have a choice, as my ex and his wife had intensified their harassment of me, because I required that he pay child support as required by law.

Sometimes, when the time is right, and the situation calls for a swift action, we can deflect powerful aggression back onto the aggressors. I think that’s called jujitsu. I didn’t “win” my case, but they no longer harass me, or my children, and the peace is blissful. But in order to expose the s’path, we have to choose the right time, get brave, and move prudently but directly way out of our comfort zone.
Lovefraud has done so much to bring information about sociopaths to the surface of our society, but in many ways our culture is still ignorant. My heart goes out to women who are trying to protect their children and themselves as they extricate themselves from toxic marriages to male sociopaths, and who have to listen to the “play nicely” patter of clueless people. Stay centered! Remember to listen to your children: The relationship of trust that you are developing with your children just by your listening now, will have far-reaching healing effects for the future as they become their own people. Listen and then take an action to draw the line. Find a good advisor who understands what you are dealing with. Follow your intuition. You have to learn to become a kind of warrior, but maybe you needed to learn how to become a warrior. I know I did.
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