Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Dealing with Sociopaths, a prescription for survival.

Dealing with Sociopaths, a prescription for survival.

Let’s face it, dealing with sociopaths can be said to be one of the hardest things one will ever have to engage in. So up front we should state that the best way to do so is to avoid contact.
Now this is much easier said than done for many reasons. In many instances Sociopaths and their victims are in situations where this cannot be avoided or some form of contact must be made. This can be the workplace, home or public transportation. But it is imperative that you cut the sociopath off completely and you can do so knowing that you are lessening their power. They are highly manipulative and can only gain an assessment of the success of their behavior by contact, if they don’t have contact they don’t know how well they are doing. It isn’t unheard of to have sociopaths continue to make contact via “agents” even after they have been removed from contact with their victims. And as we all know, these agents are usually easily impressionable people, students, folks going through hard times, the gullible, highly insecure or any number of good people (and yes bad people as well) who have a flaw the sociopath can exploit.
In fact, there are cases where a less intelligent or less developed sociopath has been removed from their place of power of their victims of choice. Their entire focus becomes the recruitment of agents to do their bidding to regain control in the place they are removed from and to ultimately reconfigure an attack on their victim. This could be something like a post-divorce scenario, a sociopath befriending a maintenance worker who works at the former spouses home to gain information, or engaging on a complicated campaign to use former co-workers to attack targets at a former workplace…If it can be dreamt up to get power, the sociopath, to the surprise of most normal folk will do it. In one instance, I believe this story is from California, a sociopath was fired from a business and then created a “competing business” for the sole purpose of revenge against his former employer. The business recruited anyone with an axe to grind, or employees who had visible flaws and fell victim to the sociopaths manipulation. In this scenario, the sociopath used contacts at his previous place of employment to keep abreast of happenings and used puppets he had created to file law suits, complaints and generally disrupt things. When these agents had reached their usefulness and when the finger was pointed at the sociopath, they were abandoned. Some of these folks were surprised to learn, that while they were doing the bidding of the sociopath, he had been building files on them to use against them when the time called for it. A hard lesson learned, I suppose.
What can one do?
Avoid talking on the phone, don’t send, open or reply to e-mail. Don’t use online instant messaging or open any emails from them, don’t accept any cards, letters or packages. And most certainly do not visit or make contact with him.
If you have the unfortunate happenstance of having to make contact, bring a witness, actually a minimum of two. Otherwise do not go.
Remember that many sociopaths are also narcissistic and pretty much the only thing which can effect them is abandonment.
Abusers increasingly use a tactic some call “preemptive strike,” where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done. Be aware of this and alert to the sociopaths desire to indulge in this behavior.
Consider the following article:
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER
R. Lundy Bancroft, author
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
To avoid exposure of his abusive behaviour, the abuser begins a smear campaign against his victim. Directed at her closest friends, coworkers, even children and family, he accuses the victim of being the abuser.
Here’s a typical scenario: Your abuser has been emotionally/physically cruel to you. He’s cheated on you, lied, and usually much, much more. So, you break up or end the relationship only to find that he has gone around to your friends/family telling them that you are the one who has been cruel to him, lied/cheated.
An Abuser’s typical lie: “I love her so much, but now she’s going around telling people I hit her, lied to her and cheated on her and she told me we’re finished. I’m just devastated. I need someone to talk to who can help me get over this.”
Your abuser has already anticipated what you will do. He beat you to the punch. You soon find others believe his convincing tales of being the victim. He works hard to present himself as “Mr. Perfect”. Therefore, people believe him. They ally themselves against you. This was his plan all along. Brace yourself. Emotionally anticipate this common response from the mentally disordered. Hang on tight, it’s going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride.
Do you feel you want to warn others or defend yourself? Your abuser has anticipated this. If you do this, you will likely only be validating what the abuser has already said about you. Without knowledge of the strong psychological defence mechanisms of the personality disordered could put you in danger or at the least, being discredited by an abuser who has already anticipated your actions.
An abuser will quickly ‘devalue and discard’ his target claiming he is the victim of your cruelty. His victims are now put in a defensive role by his lies and character assassination. By involving others he is enlarging his circle of those who give him attention. Any attention you may have given him is now replaced and multiplied by other people he manages to fool. A win/win scenario for a narcissist.
He will increase his attempts to provoke his victim into some reaction – the more emotional the better to make her look crazy and him sane. For heaven sakes, don’t fuel this behaviour by taking his bait. Do NOT take his bait. It is his trap and setup. Provoking you into a reaction is his goal.
Abusers abuse in private. They fear exposure of their abuse. So they need to discredit anyone who can point the finger at them.  You may be left with little more than police, lawyers, accountants, and your protective zone of No Contact.
An abuser’s preferred tactics is the Smear Campaign. They spread lies, character assassination, malicious gossip, backstabbing with factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. Smearing the reputation of someone else (often using projection accusing them of doing what the abuser has done) is a major indicator of personality disorders.
Sadly, some ignorant people believe the abuser’s lies that you are the abusive person and without proof of any kind, will, like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ, defend the abuser by harassing his target. The abuser has orchestrated this knowing these people may commit illegal acts while the abuser himself is protected. They believe him and see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help. The abuser is now thoroughtly enjoying all the resultant chaos and attention he has created.

When sociopaths lie about you

When sociopaths lie about you

It’s bad enough that sociopaths lie to hook you. Anything they tell you about themselves may be false — their age, education, credentials, family details, income, criminal record, job and work history.
And of course, sociopaths typically lie about their relationship history and status. They claim to be single when they are married; they claim to be childless when they have many offspring — even with multiple partners.
Sociopaths lie — it’s the key characteristic of the disorder. When you fall for the lies, you feel like a chump. But what often turns out to be even more devastating is the lies they tell about you.
The smear campaign
Sociopaths typically engage in a “smear campaign” about their targets. These are outright lies that they tell about you to your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and others in your social circle.
The sociopath’s objective with the smear campaign is to compromise your social support system, and therefore increase his or her control over you. For this reason, the sociopath may start lying about you long before you suspect any problems in your relationship.
For example, a sociopath may have a conversation like the following with your friend, Jane:
Sociopath: “You know, I found out about six months into our relationship that Mary was cheating on me. She was secretly seeing a guy from work.”
Jane: “I never knew about that!”
Sociopath: “Well, I imagine that she didn’t want to tell you, because you might have said something to me. I know I can trust you.”
Jane: “Of course you can!”
Sociopath: “I really love Mary, so I’ve forgiven her.”
You, of course, never cheated on the sociopath — the entire story is complete fabrication. But look at what happens because of what the sociopath said:
  • Jane thinks you cheated on your partner, which lowers her opinion of you.
  • Jane believes you are keeping secrets from her, so you aren’t much of a friend.
  • The sociopath pretends to be wronged, which elicits sympathy from Jane.
  • The sociopath enlists Jane as a potential informer.
  • For taking you back after you supposedly cheated, the sociopath claims the moral high ground.
All of these dynamics may be very useful to the sociopath down the road, when you split up and find that your family and friends are supporting him rather than you.
The top lie
I’ve heard from many, many people that sociopaths have accused them of being crazy, psycho, unbalanced, needing therapy or needing medication. So I think the most prevalent lies sociopaths tell about you are statements undermining your mental stability.
What’s really dangerous about these statements is the manner in which they are said. Instead of ranting about you, often sociopaths seem to be expressing concern.
A sociopath will quietly say to your friends and family, “You know, I’m really worried about Mary. She really seems to be losing it. But she just won’t go see a therapist.”
They come across as so believable.
You, of course, may be legitimately suffering from anxiety or depression because of emotional and psychological abuse by the sociopath. And due to the sociopath’s gaslighting, you may even be questioning your own sanity.
Still, by questioning your mental ability to your family and friends, the sociopath weakens your standing and makes them less likely to support your decisions. The sociopath, in the meantime, is seen as a concerned partner, someone who is looking out for your well-being, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Picking your battles
Sometimes the sociopath’s smear campaign has been going on for so long, and has been so well-orchestrated, that you may find your entire family, social group or community aligned against you. I’ve heard from many people who realize that everyone in their church believes the sociopath’s lies and not them.
This is terribly distressing. Your reputation is shredded, and you did nothing wrong. So how do you fight this? What do you do?
Unfortunately, sociopaths are such accomplished liars that some people will believe their stories no matter how much you protest. So here’s what I suggest:
Figure out which people are really important to you and need to know the truth. Do your best to tell them your side of the story. Show them proof if you have it.
For everyone else, you develop a stock response, perhaps a shrug and, “He likes to tell stories.”
You may find that you will need to walk away from some people, remove them from your life. So be it.
When to fight
There is one situation in which you must do your best to fight the lies: When you have a court case involving a sociopath.
Sociopaths have absolutely no qualms about lying in court testimony or court documents. When the sociopaths lie about you in court, you MUST object.
Court proceedings are all about establishing a “record.” Because everything said during a court proceeding is supposed to be the truth, sociopaths are assumed to be telling the truth, no matter what they say. So when their statements are lies, you must counter them.
If you fail to dispute the sociopaths’ lies, they become part of the court record. This can turn into a real problem later on.
Another time to fight is when you are accused of a crime that you did not do. You may be advised to plead guilty, especially if you can’t afford a lawyer. This is generally a bad idea. A guilty plea means a criminal record, and a criminal record will cause you big problems later in life.
3 questions to help you respond
Here’s the bottom line: Sociopaths lie about everything, so they are likely to lie about you. No one wants to be characterized falsely. But realize that you can choose how, or even if, you will respond to the lies.
Here are three questions to help you decide what to do:
  1. Does this particular lie damage my life?
  2. Does this person need to know the truth?
  3. Will responding to the lie keep me engaged with the sociopath?
In situations where you can move on without combating the lie, that might be the best approach. Reserve your energy for taking action on the matters that are vital to your life.

Malicious Narcissists Convincing Others You Are At Fault Or Crazy

Malicious Narcissists Convincing Others You Are At Fault Or Crazy

Narcissists have a sinister side, especially if they want something that you have and you refuse to comply. This becomes very ugly during the severing of a marital relationship. Many non-narcissistic spouses who have been treated abominably still want to believe that when it comes to ending the marriage, the narcissist will be civil and fair just for the purpose of watching you exit quickly. The plays are opposite–Bring on the army of shark-toothed lawyers and go for the jugular. To protect yourself, study and research in-depth the true nature of the narcissistic personality including examples from real life. Get to know this personality profile intimately. It will be a strong reminder when you start to bend or buckle to the narcissist’s tricks, tactics, strong arming techniques and charm offensive.
Another dark ploy is that narcissists contact your relatives, in-laws, friends and anyone who will listen to broadcast blatant lies about your character. This doesn’t happen in all instances but it is remarkable the lengths these malicious individuals exceed to trash you, put you at fault and lead others to believe that you are “crazy”; you need immediate psychiatric help; you have always been unstable, etc. Even people whom you have trusted —family members—can be flipped to the narcissist’s side, especially if he/she has influence over them and deep pockets.
To successfully deal with these complex and stressful situations as you move toward divorce, be sure you hire an attorney who is not only an expert in family law but who is exceedingly savvy about the ruses, tricks and ploys of the narcissistic personality disorder. Your attorney needs to be highly professional but fearless in facing this relentless cruel and destructive individual. An excellent attorney in these situations must be like ultra-marathon runners. Regardless of any obstacle placed in front of them by the narcissist, they are undaunted. Their perseverance is golden.
A narcissist (male or female) will wage a custody battle for the sole purpose of trying to psychologically and financially decimate the former spouse. For the narcissist, revenge is sweet. It’s where they live in their delusional treacherous minds.
Surround yourself with individuals whom you can trust completely and who believe and understand the horrible ordeal you are going through. Be good to yourself. Know that you hold the truth. You are very wise. If some others around you don’t believe your life story, don’t associate with them. Don’t talk about your personal life. Be protective of your privacy. Another dirty offensive is to make you look “crazy” . This is so cruel and sadistic. Know that you are the sane one who is holding the truth. You are entitled to be treated with respect. You deserve it. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always reveal the truth to you and help you to maintain a sense of steadiness and calm